Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

A Moments Peace

September 5th, 2002

Dear Marilyn, 

Why do I find it easier to talk to you then I do a real life person? Is it because I know you can't answer me back? Am I going mad? I have been under a lot of stress lately. 

Things have been weird lately. Mum and Dad are splitting up and they decided to spring it on us at the start of our school summer holiday! Way to go guys!! :) 

For that reason, I've spent the past 6 weeks knowing that I should be studying for my final year of school, but not getting anywhere as my daydreams take over. I feel mixed up. Like one of those Rubik's cube things. But who's going to solve me?

I just feel like I have no one to talk to at the moment Maz, so it's just me, you and my thoughts, locked away in my secret diary.

O yeah, one more thing to complicate my life.

I think........ I'm GAY.

There I wrote it. So now you know. I've not said that out loud to anyone and I don't know what I'm going to do. 

Send help!! Immediately!!

Yours, Bailey Xx

My life had been flipped upside down by Mum and Dad's announcement and I had no idea it was coming. As they put it, 'Our relationship was born out of the truest, deepest love for each other. But with the introduction of you children, our relationship has eventually became about you and not us.' Thanks for the brutal honesty guys!!

Effectively for many years they had just been friends and so their reason for parting was simple but heart breaking.

To be honest, for as long as I remembered they called each-other 'mate', so in some ways it was no surprise. In other ways, there was never any fighting, no shouting and not even the slightest raising of a voice. So it was weird and I found it hard to get my head round. I supposed I just would in time.

We lived in a tiny village called Southminster, which is somewhere very backward in Essex. By backward I mean very behind the times. There are no black people, or any people of any colour for that matter and most certainly there is no gay people. I literally was the only gay in the village.

There is lots of breathtaking countryside and it's really beautiful. You're never far from the smell of dung or the sound of the birds and to you that may sound gross, but to me it's the place I call home.

I have 2 older sisters who I love and adore and 2 younger brothers who I love and hate, it just depends what day you catch me on as to how we get along. I wouldn't change them for the world though and I knew that together we would get through this. We are genuinely close but we are also very different.

Being the middle child, I've always just naturally been by myself at home, so this meant I had the space to do my own thing and believe me I did just that. I've always been the most street wise and was allowed to go out with my friends and was always home in time for tea. I was trusted by Mum and Dad which I loved, but sometimes wished they cared more. It's been this way my whole life.

In this story I'm 16 years old and my voice is breaking, hair is sprouting under my arms on my face, growing all over my balls and of course the bit I loved, my cock was getting bigger and thicker. This was the best thing in the world!! The puppy fat was gone and I was hitting the gym hard to get ripped. I felt good.

Sports has always been my thing and I was part of the schools rugby, football and long distance running team. 

I've got the darkest brown eyes, you will ever see which seemed to make all the girls in my class flutter their eyelashes at me like little butterflies. Little did they know! My hair was always whatever style was on trend and I was not afraid to be myself and own who I was.

This all sounds amazing written down doesn't it? But it doesn't quite capture the inner turmoil I was going through on a daily basis.

What if someone found out that the real me is gay? Would I lose everything? Would my family hate me? Would my friends hate me? 

I just didn't know. The truth is it was these thoughts that caused me to get no work done that summer and that left me in a panicking mess the night before going back to school. 

I always felt a bit nervous the night before, did you? At least I knew Id be seeing all of my friends tomorrow and of course my girlfriend. I didn't tell you did I? I had a girlfriend and her name was Polly and if I wasn't gay she'd be perfect. She's beautiful outside and in which added even more to my dilemma. I didn't want to hurt her. So what do I do?

It was with a heavy heart that I fell to sleep, night after night, with Gabrielle's 'Rise' album sound-tracking this moment in my life. Usually a good wank helped too.