Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

Decisions, decisions

We woke up the next morning in a hot, entwined, mess that felt both sticky and sweet, but oh so good. Nothing had happened. I promise. We just slept and yes we were naked, but did that really matter? Neither of us were bothered and as we got up and carried on with the day as normal, it was as if nothing had even happened. I'd only known Malek a short while, but something about him just made me feel so at ease and I trusted him without question.

I knew he wouldn't say anything about this. We both had too much to lose. Him his reputation for being a high school hard nut and sports star and me the much loved, hardworking Bailey, who would never even think about cheating on Polly, especially not with a boy! No one would believe him. Or me for that matter. I was struggling to process it myself.

We crept down the stairs and headed straight for the front door, hoping Mrs. Malek hadn't realised we were late for school. We were just so comfy, that we'd slept right through the 7 am alarm and I wasn't even sorry about it.

'Do you want a lift boys?' she called out after us.

'No that's fine Mum. We'll run for the late bus.'

'Thanks for having me Mrs. Malek. Byeee.'

'It's Lisa!'

The door clicked shut and I suddenly felt a pang of sadness, thinking about my own Mum and how much I missed her. I wondered where she was and what she was doing. What would she think about all this? Would she be ashamed? Happy for me? Disown me? I just didn't know and so the thought left my mind as quick as it came, as we ran for the bus, successfully managed to catch it and before long were on our way to St. Peter's High School.

I'd text Polly a good morning text and she was waiting the other end of our journey ready to greet us on arrival.

'Morning boys. Did you have fun last night? It must of been so romantic, what with it being Valentine's Day and all!'

It was clear Polly was pissed off with me, so Malek quickly made his excuses and escaped off up the corridor, disappearing amongst the sea of faces, into the distance.

'Shit! I'm so sorry Polly! I hadn't even realised what day it was! Why didn't you say anything?'

'Oh so it's my fault is it? I shouldn't have to say anything Bailey. I'm your girlfriend for god sake! Does that not mean anything to you anymore?'

Polly's face was bright red, her eyes were puffy and in the cold light of this February morning, I could now see she'd been crying and probably for hours. The guilt set in. How could I be so stupid? Was I really this person now? I didn't know what to say, so I pulled her in tight to me instead.

'Look I know you've had a hard time Bailey since your Mum left and I'm trying to be patient, I really am. But something is different with you, I can feel it and if you don't want to tell me what it is, then that's fine, but I will find out. So for my own sake and peace of mind, I'm asking you, you would tell me if something was wrong wouldn't you?'

This was my chance. I knew it was. I could offload right here, right now and tell Polly everything I was dying to tell her. I could finally be free of this horrible secret that I'd been carrying around with me for so long. I took a deep breath...and bottled it. Where would I even begin?

'Of course I would, you narna! You mean more to me than anyone in the world Polly, so if there was anything to tell, ever, I'd tell you first OK.'

I knew this was a lie as soon as I said it, but what else could I say? As much as I didn't want to be with Polly anymore, I still didn't want to hurt her. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

I kissed her forehead gently before picking up her bags and slinging them over my shoulder with mine. With my other hand, I held hers and as we slowly made our way to first lesson of the day, I was once more entwined, only this time it didn't feel right. I felt my stomach tighten and I became heavier, as once more the weight of the world returned to my shoulders.

What on earth was I going to do? I just couldn't carry on like this anymore. It was time to make some decisions, I was ready, but I couldn't do this on my own. I needed help, guidance and someone that would listen without judgement.

It just so happened I knew exactly who that person would be and they'd never fully realise how much their kindness in my hour of need would actually help me.

School flew by and before long I was home, bathed and sitting cross legged on my bed, punching in a number which was now familiar on my phone.

'Hello.'

'Devon, it's Bailey. Can you come and get me?'