Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

What's the Tea?

February 20th 2003

So I know you've been wondering what's going on Marilyn, but I guess since seeing Devon last week, I felt all talked out until now.

It's like there's nothing to say on the matter and so much to do, but it's the doing that I'm scared of and so I've been stunned into silence.

At the moment it's only me and Devon who knows, but I know that as soon as I take this next step, it will be like opening a whole can of worms and there will be no going back. So I guess this past week I've been enjoying my old peaceful life before my new one comes crashing in. Does that sound strange?

Devon was amazing. But then you knew he would be didn't you Maz! He came and picked me up, straight away when I called and he took me out of my own head, before I went BANG! I think I'd really worried him because up until now, he obviously knew stuff was going on in the background, because he'd spoken to me before but then other than rehearsals, I never saw him and when I did, he didn't ask me any questions about it. He wasn't pushing me for anything. It was like he knew I'd talk when I was ready, so instead he just listened. I talked and I asked him so many questions about his life, Darren, his family.. basically just anything and everything, but you know what Maz, he never once snapped at me and he never once called me rude. He just answered and I guess that when he answered, he told me everything I needed to know. 

He stood in front of me, as a successful business man, with beautiful cars, a beautiful home, he was director of the local amateur dramatics group and he was loved and cherished by his friends, family and the community. He had gone through his own journey of coming out and he'd told me it hadn't all been easy, but that it had been worth it. He made it out the other side and guess what? HE WAS HAPPY! 

When we were together it was like there was no age gap. Instead we were life long friends. At the moment, we are still doing the play and I am the actor, he is the director, so we had always kept things professional until that night Maz. That night though, I needed someone, more than ever before and I called him and he came. My real life, knight in shining armour, came riding in to rescue me and he didn't even know it.

We drove to his house in complete silence and as we got in and the front door closed behind us, I burst into tears.

I couldn't breathe and gasped for air trying to calm myself down. My head was pounding, my heart was pounding and all I could hear was the sound of my own heart breaking and Devon's voice, who bless his heart, was holding my hand and very slowly but calmly telling me to breathe.

'It's OK Bailey, I've got you. Breathe. Breathe Bailey. Nice and slow. Deep breaths Bailey. You're safe. Nothing is going to happen to you Bailey. I've got you.'

I slowly pulled myself off of the ceiling and as I began to return to normal, I could see Devon breathing his own sigh of relief and I felt like a right old tit. I was so embarrassed. All I'd done since we walked in was cry my face off and this was all before I'd even spoken a word. How mortifying.

I took a big slurp of the lovely tea Devon had made me, which had a few extra sugars I noticed and sat for a further moment in silence, trying to work out when I last cried. He must of been wondering what on earth was going on and confirmed this when he eventually said,

'What the fuck is wrong? You are not leaving this house until you offload yourself of whatever this is. You hear me!'

He wasn't angry. He was smiling and his scouse accent just softened the delivery of his sincere and concerned statement.

It was then I knew. You just do. I knew the time had finally come Marilyn. To really speak my truth and to not be afraid anymore. I'd realised through meeting Devon and from my own experiences with Malek that I was changing and it was time to just be me.

In the past 6 months it was as if I'd grown from a boy into a man and I was ready to face up to the secret that had threatened to end my life. Deep breaths....and...go!

'Devon, I'm gay.'

'Yes Bailey, so am I.'

'No, you don't understand. I'M gay. I know you are! That's what I'm upset about. That's what this full on meltdown has all been about. I'm gay, Devon!'

'Are you actually shitting me Bailey!? This whole Meryl Streep, Oscar worthy performance, has all been because you're upset about being gay! I bloody know you're gay!' 

'You do?'

'Yes of course I do! My gaydar is known for being exceptional in this neck of the woods and it was going ten to the dozen as soon as I clapped eyes on you!'

'Gaydar?'

'Yes Bailey! I'll explain another time. Look, I know this may have come as a big shock to you Bailey and I know why you're upset. I've been there, so I know how it feels. You're upset because you're scared and you're scared because you don't know what other people are going to think of you. I know you love Polly, but if Polly really loves you, which I suspect she does, she'll know something is up with you and when you tell her she will understand and she will get over you. Maybe not right now, but she will in time and as for your other friends, if they really are your friends, then they will stand by you! Families are hard, my own were Bailey, but what you have to remember is that the generations before you, were brought up being told that being gay was wrong. It is just how it was and we can't go back in time and change that. But let me tell you something, things are slowly changing and they've changed so much even in the 30 years since I came out and you may be gay, but you are not a bad person and I know how much your Mum and Dad love you Bailey, so whatever they may think at first, they will get over it, because that's what love is. It's the power to grow, by changing your own perception on something, which you may sometimes know absolutely nothing about and might even be scared of yourself!  I promise you, you may be scared, but you have nothing to worry about and if you were my son, I'd be proud of every single hair on that dramatic head of yours.'

I let the last few tears roll down my face in silence and soaked up the moment like a sponge.  Devon pulled me in for a hug, that without words, let me know that everything was going to be OK. 

'So what now,' I whispered.

'Who do you want to tell next?'

It was this question that had me stumped, which brings me right up to tonight when I finally put pen to paper. Who do you think Marilyn? Polly? I knew you'd say Polly and I know she is my main concern but I feel like I need to have someone on my side who I can talk to about all of this, but also about Malek, before I do anything. I need to unpack thoughts and discuss. I need a someone who has known me the longest and a someone who has known every single one of my secrets up until this point. 

I need a Beth.

Night Marilyn Xx