Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

On a Roll

June 5th, 2003

Dear Marilyn,

So tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for, for what seems like forever. My Music GCSE performance exam, which is also my final GCSE exam ever! It's worth 33.3% of my final grade and has to be an original composition performed by me.

From the moment I'd made up my mind about how to fix things with Beth, I hadn't stopped working on it and my little green book of depression now has one more song written within its pages, that is about to save the day.

I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and put myself back together again. Bailey is back in the building.

You might be wondering why I've not written to you in a while Maz, but the truth is, a lot has happened since we last spoke and after my secrets that you'd kept so well, for so long, were read by someone else, I guess I just needed some time alone.

That time has been spent revising mainly and has given me all the space I needed to heal and become strong again. I've tore out the message from my leavers book and stuck it up on the wall by my bedroom mirror. I read it every day and it makes me feel powerful.

How is that possible I hear you ask? You thought my family didn't know? Ah well you're wrong Maz! They do and it's been one hell of an adventure.

My sister CeCe was the first person I told, after she wrote me a letter asking me what was wrong. She'd heard me cry that day when I got home from school, but could tell I was just too fragile to have it out with her, so she didn't. She wrote me a letter instead. This led to me pouring my heart out to her late one night, when we were babysitting my auntie's kids. She was so comforting and understanding and was behind me every step of the way. This then gave me the courage to tell my oldest sister Nicola.

A far less emotional moment Maz, this happened while working front of house together at the Quayside. We had worked like pros all day, at the same time as having such a laugh and eventually the conversation turned to my love life.

'So Polly finally found out then?' she laughed.

'Found out what Nic?'

'That you're gay!'

'Oh! Yeah. How did you know?'

'I've always known Bailey! I'm your sister.'

'Oh. Ok.'

And just like that, the conversation changed. It was as if me being gay was like talking about the weather and completely not a big deal, or even a thing worth worrying about. This completely normalised it for me and Nic suggested I meet up with my Mum and tell her. So that's what I did Maz. I was on a roll.

I used my Quayside money to take Mum out for a lovely Indian meal in Southminster High Street, where I gently broke the news. Nic's theory was to do it somewhere public.

'That way she won't have a melt down, because she'll be far too worried about what others are thinking.'

She was wrong. So far wrong it was unbelievable.

She wailed like an absolute banshee. Not for the reasons you're thinking though Maz. It was because she was actually relieved! I was beginning to wonder why I'd been so worried about doing this!

Mum knew something was up and that I hadn't been myself for a while, but with everything going on with her and dad, she'd just assumed it was because of that and she was just so happy that I'd actually decided to be brave enough to tell her. She wanted all the gossip, but at this point there was none to give. She also said that if dad threw me out because of it, that I could come and live with her, no questions asked.

This made me feel so much better Marilyn, but there was still no way I was telling Dad and the boys. At least not yet. I'd wait until after my exams before doing that.

Then one night the following week, we were all sitting around the table having dinner together, when something popped up about George Michael on the news.

'Bloody poof. He's another homo I wish was dead.' Dad said.

'Well in that case I should be dead too.' I quietly said.

My brother Joe stood up from the table.

'What? You're not gay Bailey!'

'YES. I. AM.'

The boys and Dad shot up from the table in a rage, but instead of coming towards me, they headed outside into the garden. The girls followed them.

I finished my dinner before getting up from the table, to go and do my washing up. I was surprisingly calm as I realised that the women in my family, were the real strong ones and that if I didn't have my Dad and brothers support with this, that I'd still be ok. They'd get me through and I'd accepted that.

I opened the understairs cupboard and grabbed my newly washed clothes, to take up to my room. As Dad and Tommy silently came back in and crept past me without a word, Joe on the other hand came right up to me and said,

'So when are you taking me shopping Bailey?'

Peace had been restored and the moment that threatened to hurt my poor family once more, had vanished.

I later asked Nic and CeCe what they'd said to them outside, to which they replied,

'We just told them that you were still the same person, who was an important part of this family and that we loved you no matter what. They agreed.'

And that was that Marilyn. I guess that sometimes the fear itself, is worse then standing up and facing the fear. You just have to take a deep breath and go for it and that's exactly what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Wish me luck Maz!

Bailey Xx