Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

Friendship Never Ends

Now my mind was made up, every time I saw Beth in school, or outside at our various after school clubs and general hang outs, I wanted to tell her. It was on the tip of my tongue each time, but I knew I had to wait till it was just me and her, because I just didn't know how she'd react. I could take a great big guess though and my guess would be that she'd be amazing.

We'd been friends since we were 4 years old and somehow had managed to sustain our friendship throughout the years and the challenges that were thrown at us. We'd watched boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. She'd been there for me through all sorts of family stuff, which included my mum surviving cancer, my cousin dying of cancer and my sister's boyfriend dying in a horrible car accident. Sounds traumatic I know, when you see that written down, but that wasn't even the half of it.

I'd supported her through her own times of need too, which will of course remain secret, because that's what friends do. We keep secrets for each other but not from each other and in all of our years of friendship, I'd never kept one secret from Beth until now. It had actually been one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do.

Of course I'd wanted to tell her about Malek sooner. I'd been bouncing off the walls to tell someone, anyone, because it was making me so happy I could burst. It just wasn't straightforward and it was just too messy and I knew as soon as I told her, that she would be playing piggy in the middle and then I'd be on countdown to tell the next person, who of course would be Polly. She'd make me tell Polly. Just like me and Malek had the bro code, the girls had the girl code and there was no way I was getting out of this.

It was time to take a leap of faith and hope it paid off.

The sun was shining brightly on that fine Saturday morning in March 2003. Birds were tweeting away loudly and the gentle breeze was cool but welcoming, as I walked down the alley and in to Ely Close. This had been my second home for most of my childhood and I had so many memories of playing out with Beth, Nat and the other random kids, in this lovely safe space.

Vanessa and Chris, Beth's Mum and Dad, had also been a huge support to me through those hard times and as far as we were all concerned, we were extended family and always would be.

I pushed the front door open, which was always left on the latch for me, when they knew I was coming and as I walked in, Vanessa, sat with fag in hand, in her favourite comfy chair, sent me straight upstairs to my best friend, who was probably on her bed, randomly listening to Whigfield or Gina G right now.

Those 10 steps up to Beth's room, felt like the biggest, heaviest, longest steps, I'd ever had to walk in my life. This was going to be hard, but I couldn't live this double life anymore, so had to just suck it up and get on with it. So that's exactly what I did.

I knocked lightly on the door.

'Bailey, what are you doing? You never do that you plonka! Come in!'

I pushed the door open and Beth looked up, instantly noticing my recently wet cheeks, from tears that had escaped without me knowing.

'O god Bailey, what's wrong? What's happened?'

'I'm wrong. I'm what's happened.'

A few more tears silently made a run for it.

'What do you mean Bailey? I don't understand. What have you done?'

'I can't keep this a secret anymore, it's eating me up inside.'

'OK, OK, calm down, it's OK. Whatever it is, I will stand by you no matter what. This is your best friend you're talking too and you can tell me anything! You know you can!'

'I'm gay, Beth'.

'What the fuck!'

We sat down and I told her everything from start to finish. All about me, Malek, Devon, me and Malek and the naked sleepovers and lastly what had happened in music the other day. Unfiltered, unedited. Just as it should be, when best friends spill the tea.

She listened and reacted with a mixture of faces and a huge range of emotions, that reminded me I wasn't the only Meryl Streep in this story.

It made me feel lighter, instantly. It made me feel stronger, gradually. Then once I'd finished telling her everything, she paused, before finally opening her mouth to speak, for what felt like the first time for hours and said,

'Wow! So Malek likes me?'

It made me feel sick.