Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

Blinded

It was during this time in my teenage life, that I really began to realise the power of music and  the importance of a good set of mates.

I remember leaving Dad sat there on the sofa with his head in his hands, while I walked around our house trying to find Mum. 

I checked every single room for anything that would give me the faintest idea of where she'd gone, but everything looked exactly the same as when I'd left the house this morning. 

Why then, did it feel so empty? 

In that moment, the silence was deafening and I longed for the others to come home and fill the house with noise, even if it was only for the few seconds before they found out what had happened. It would help to fill the immediate void left in our lives by her going. 

I messaged Polly to let her know what was going on and she kindly offered for me to come over and stay the night. I said no because I wanted to be there for my family, yet as I fell to sleep that night, listening to the sound of my Dad crying, I knew this was a mistake. 

My sleep was deep and full of dreams. 

I could see Mum in the distance. A crowd of people stood between us and no matter how loud I shouted, she just couldn't hear me. I ran towards her but the faster I ran, the slower I became and the further away she got, until eventually she completely disappeared.

I woke up, tears streaming down my face and my heart feeling heavy, like it was made of lead.

 How was I going to do this? I loved my Mum so much but how could I continue to feel the same, when I saw the trail of devastation she'd left behind? I knew that's not what she wanted or had meant to do and that we all knew this day was going to eventually come, but I guess I'd always just assumed it would be Dad leaving and not Mum and now she'd gone, where did that leave me? With Mum being here, I always knew that when the time was right, I could come out and tell everyone I was gay. But now with Dad and the boys to contend with all by myself, could I even do this? 

So many questions swirled round my head. All selfish. All about me. 

I guess looking back on it now, it was my own way of making sense of things and sometimes in life, there is no wrong or right way to do this. I just had to find some way of expressing what I was feeling and to make myself feel better. 

I decided that the next time I had music class, I was going to write a song and inside my head, I could hear Mr Baker's wee little Scottish voice telling me to 'Go for it Bailey.'

My next music lesson was a few days later and as soon as we were given the go ahead to crack on with our coursework, I was out the door and occupying the music room by the school cafeteria. This room had an old piano in it, a seat and nothing else. It was so narrow and the moment you stepped inside it you felt trapped. On this day however, I felt safe. 

I opened up my A5 green notebook and started to play around with some chords. My piano skills were limited, but I knew I had enough in me to write a song. Especially today, because today I had something to say.

Blinded by Bailey Turner - November 2nd, 2002 

( You can listen to it here: https://sptfy.com/95O6~s )

Verse 1

Why do I feel like you don't care at all? What does it matter what I think anymore?

Cos I try to tell you how I feel inside, but you cannot see the words I'm saying cos you're blind.

Chorus

Blinded by love, forgetting the truth and you cannot see anything that's in front of you

Blinded by hope, forgetting the pain, ignoring the hurt and the sadness that's in their face.

Verse 2

Why do I feel like you're going without saying goodbye? Why do I feel so helpless I'm living a lie?

Cos I try to shout to you, but you're running as fast as you can and I try to catch you up, but you've vanished.

Chorus

Blinded by love, forgetting the truth and you cannot see anything that's in front of you

Blinded by hope, forgetting the pain, ignoring the hurt and the sadness that's in their face.

Outro

How could you do this, I'll never know. I thought you would be there now you're gone.

I shut the lid of the piano, put my head in my hands and started to cry. The door opened and closed quietly and I lifted my head up to see Beth standing there, tears streaming down her face too.

'It's going to be alright Bailey. We've got you and we're going to get you through this OK. Me, Polly and Nat, we're all here for you. You are not on your own Bailey.' 

She hugged me and we stood there in silence, for a few minutes. As she held on to me tightly, I pulled myself back together again, took a deep breath, wiped my face and eyes on my school shirt and gathered up my school stuff before exiting the room.

We walked across the corridor back into our GCSE music room and as I turned back to close the door behind me, that's when he caught my eye.

'Bailey. That song was beautiful.' said Malik before wiping a stray tear that was slowly falling down his left cheek.