Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

And So It Begins

My story begins in my last year of school.

The beginning of a new school term, was always an enjoyable time. The time table had changed for all of the year 11's at St Peter's High School and I was loving every second of it. 

My timetable was full of P.E which I took as one of my options at G.C.S.E and I really came into my own. Not only was I extremely good at sports physically, but I also absolutely loved the theory side too. 

I loved learning about the body and all the different things it could do. It was actually quite erotic or was that just my raging hormones?  Of course I enjoyed the after sports showers with all the other lads in my class. I felt their eyes all over me, examining my impressive growth over summer and I loved every second of it.

My favourite sports were rugby and football, but what I really hoped to become was a teacher and my own teacher Mr Matthews was very good and also very encouraging. 

He was in his mid thirties, but easily looked 10 years younger and had very strong broad shoulders with a great muscular upper body, finished off with a finely crafted torso. I couldn't help but notice the significant bulge in his P.E shorts too. In fact I'm sure Mr Matthews caught me looking a few times and gave me a cheeky wink.

This made for great material for my wank bank and would do for years to come. 

All sexiness aside, Mr Matthews had a very firm but fair approach to his teaching methods and it was this, that had won him the respect of pupils and fellow teachers a like at St. Peters High School. He was very popular with the kids there, but especially with the year 11's and especially with me. 

You could say he was my first real crush and the reason why I began to question my own sexuality. Mr Matthews aroused me like no girl had ever managed before, which for me was both a discovery and a worry. 

Have you any idea what it's like  to be labelled gay at school? 

It was 2002, so at this time, it was social suicide. I saw how friends were lost and how people turned. It was horrible. So why on earth would I ever choose to reveal my true feelings under these circumstances. I just wouldn't. 

There had been times where I was close to it though.  I couldn't stand seeing this sort of behaviour go on in front of my face, but at the same time I had to protect myself. It was an internal battle I struggled with, but I managed it and instead of standing up to the bullies at the time it was happening, I always made sure I sorted out the person that was being subjected to the abuse and made sure they were all right. 

I even gave pep talks and said things such as, 'Just Ignore them, they're only jealous,' ' What goes around comes around,' 'they're only jealous because you've got all the best looking girls in school flocking around you and who wouldn't want that?'. I hoped that this helped in some way. I liked to think that it did.

I felt so drained after the summer holidays that year and was really worried about mum and dad and what was going to happen. 

They were splitting up, but at that moment were still living under the same roof and still sleeping in the same bed. It was so confusing for everyone. It sounds really selfish, but I often thought at that time, I could be doing without all this and wished that just for once I could talk to someone about my feelings.

Everyone was just too pre occupied to care, or even notice that something was up with me. So I just plodded on and took each day as it came.

I had had a great first few weeks back at school and it was great to be back in the daily company of my best mate Bethany. She was a complete nutter but everyone loved her. 

Our friendship had been the source of much gossip and jealousy over the years, with people trying to define us and put us in a box. We were simply just friends that thought the world of each-other. Some would say two very individually good looking, would make the most perfect babies, friends. For both of us, there had never been anything more in it and it was that fact that people couldn't get their heads round and still can't. 

It also caused us both problems in our relationships, as our boyfriends and girlfriends tended to not like the amount of time we hung out or talked on the phone. 

We always tried to include them in this, but it never worked out and sometimes I thought it would just be easier to remain single. What was everyone's problem? 

Beth has a certain vibrancy about her that is contagious and everyone wants to be in her company. With her fluffy blonde hair, she was beautiful and had the most gorgeous complexion to match. She was often complimented on her beauty by random people, whilst they were out and about and I had often said she should be a model. Of course she never listened.

She's been a great friend to me over the years and has been with me through thick and thin. No matter what happened around us, we always had each other. At this time, we had one year left of having every day together and I wanted to make the most of it.

21st September, 2002

Dear Marilyn,

Summer seems to be a distant memory already and after only a few weeks back at school, I am longing for half term. I'm shattered!! I have been so busy with school! So much coursework and so many after school clubs! I'm loving being back playing rugby and football and feeling more pumped then ever. Finding it hard to keep my dirty thoughts to myself though. At times, I think so many gay boys would do anything to be in my position. I am practically surrounded by the best looking lads in my year, naked on a daily basis. I get to see cocks of all shapes and sizes and no-one even bats an eyelid. I see guys looking at me naked and I feel good. I feel sexy, I feel strong....I feel horny. It's so hard not being able to be open about who I am, but I know it's just not the right time or place and I hold on to the hope, that it won't be too long until I can show everyone who I am. For now I can deal with the nakedness and the boys pretending to do each other in the showers after P.E. In fact I can do more then just deal with it. I can enjoy it, because i know, once everyone knows I am gay, guys will immediately think I fancy them and freak out that I've seen them naked. Maybe they'll never have to know. Maybe I should keep sch-tum. I think Mr Matthews is on to me though. O the thought of it.......

Anyway night Maz, thanks for listening.

Bailey x