Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

The Right Time

So without Beth or my family by my side, both far too caught up in their own lives, I struggled to know what to do for the best and as April crept up on us, I went round and round in circles trying to decide what to do and how to do it.

If I told Polly now, I would literally have no one left, but if I didn't tell her now then I would only be prolonging her agony as well as mine. Could I really do that? No I bloody couldn't!

We were best friends before getting together, so would it ever be possible for us to just go back to how we were at the start? Or had we come too far to ever go back?

These were all questions that filled every waking moment and prevented me from sleeping at night, as I searched for answers that were impossible to find. How do you decide when the time is right to break someone else's heart? Especially when you know it's going to break yours too? There was never a right time.

If you take a second right now and just think about the saddest thing that's ever happened to you in your life, then you will now know how it feels, before coming out and it is never easy, for anyone.

You feel anxious about what's going to happen to you. You feel scared that no one is going to stand by you and you feel horribly vulnerable, because you're about to open up your heart to the world, without knowing if it's going to get ripped out and stamped on.

Add someone truly special like Polly into the mix and you have a whole new level of heartache waiting too, because the truth is, I did actually love her. I just couldn't help that my body didn't and it's as simple as that.

Being gay was something I had absolutely no control over and yet in this moment, I blamed myself to my very core for all of what was going on and right now I would give anything in the world to trade places with someone, who could click their fingers and magically make this all disappear. Or even make me disappear.

Maybe I could disappear? 

Even just thinking that out loud, makes me realise it isn't the right thing to do and I just need to wait a little longer and the perfect opportunity to tell Polly would present itself. If that was at all possible. I highly doubt it but I could dream.

Polly's mum had invited me over for dinner, so we happily tucked into drop scones, a speciality of hers, before heading upstairs after dinner to do more revision. GCSE's were now imminent and we were doing all we could to hold ourselves together and get the highest grades possible. It had actually been a really nice couple of weeks, with just us two together and I was almost starting to think that we could stay like this forever.

I popped to the little mens room, before grabbing my things and kissing Polly goodbye, as we arranged to meet up the next morning like normal, before catching the bus to school.

It was 9pm and with everything going on at the moment, I was absolutely shattered. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was off to sleep quickly and deeply and slept right through till my alarm clock went off the next morning.

I was soon once again back at Polly's, knocking on the front door of a house I'd come to know, love and make memories in. Minutes later, Polly's mum answered, looking white as a ghost.

'Morning, Nicky is Polly there please?'

'I'm afraid she's not coming in today Bailey. She's been up all night and isn't feeling great.'

Wow, I thought. I'd literally only just seen her and she'd been absolutely fine. I wonder what was wrong? Maybe it was the drop scones? I must admit they did taste a bit like washing powder, but I'd never have the cheek to say that to Polly's mums face.

'Oh OK. No worries! I hope she feels better soon. Can you get her to text me later and let me know she's OK please?'

'No I won't be doing that I'm afraid.'

With that she opened the door wider and quickly grabbed something off of the side.

'I believe this is yours?'

She handed me what had been been my absolute lifeline these past 7 months, made instantly recognisable by my favourite black and white picture of Marilyn Monroe that was plastered across the front.

'My diary!'

'Yes Bailey! Your diary! I must say, it made for a fascinating read and Polly is absolutely devastated! What would your parents say if they were to find out?'

'Uh..I..'

My mouth had gone completely dry and all words escaped me. My stomach flipped over thinking about poor Polly upstairs in pieces and my world began to fall away, right underneath me.

'Don't you dare come near my daughter again Bailey or I will make it my business to tell them all about your little diary! You've broken Polly's heart and I will never forgive you for this. How could you?'

With that, the door slammed loudly and coldly in my face and the sound echoed round an empty Southminster High Street.

I threw up in the road outside Polly's house and I was shaking with a mixture of adrenaline and fear.

Polly was never supposed to find out like this. I didn't get a chance to explain myself or say goodbye properly or even hug her one last time before it was really over. How would she ever know I really loved her and that I didn't mean for any of this to happen? It was a mess. I'd waited too long and the right time became a myth that only other people would talk about.

The truth is there never is a right time and unless you want your moment snatched right out of your hands like mine was, then learn from my mistake and never put off till tomorrow what can be said today. No matter how hard it is. If you do, I promise you will live to regret it.

There must be some way I can fix all of this. I racked my brain for ideas, but came up with nothing. I'd lost everything but this pain I was feeling had to be worth something, otherwise what was the point of all this?

I just had to take a moment, remember to breathe and figure out what to do next.

Next I would go home, shut the door and hide from reality.