Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

Would Have Been Happy

One thing that really helped me during this time of unease was music. Listening to it and writing it and for some strange reason, song after song poured out of me during this time, when I sat down at my keyboard to practice for my performance part of my Music GCSE. I started a little green song book that became my little book of depression and if I felt sad, I wrote a song. Soon I had a whole book full of them. Maybe one of them would be good enough to perform one day and maybe these songs would help people understand how I really felt.

Would've Been Happy (for Polly)

I don't know what I have done
I let go of you and you are the one

And so I want to apologise
For the things that I have done
But you know it's not my fault
I really thought you were the one
You know I'm really sorry
And I know if it weren't for me
That you would have been happy

There's not a day that passes by
Where I don't think of
How I made you cry

And so I want to apologise
For the things that I have done
But you know it's not my fault
I really thought you were the one
You know I'm really sorry
And I know if it weren't for me
That you would have been happy

You stuck by me when times were blue
And I am eternally grateful for that
When I needed someone I had you
But now you're no longer mine

So I want to apologise
For the things that I have done
But you know it's not my fault
I really thought you were the one
You know I'm really sorry
And I know if it weren't for me
That you would have been happy
That you would have been happy

Real song > https://sptfy.com/4Yew

The rest of April was over before you could finish saying Happy Easter and I had dramatically changed from being the fun loving Bailey that everyone knew and loved to the quiet, silent Bailey that no one noticed.

Without my friends and without my Polly, I had completely blended into the background and become as beige as the walls that lined the school corridors.

I felt empty. I felt alone. But I was grateful that no one had said anything and although it hurt me that Polly, Beth and Malek were no longer there for me, at least they hadn't made my life a living hell by telling everyone I was gay. Well at least that's what I thought anyway.

Our last day of school came in the second week of May and as school tradition dictated, pupils brought in their leavers book for everyone to sign. This was seen as a nice way to say goodbye to your friends and give closure on your high school years.

There were others in our crowd of friends at school, that had noticed something was up between me and Beth, but no one had said anything and we were all happy to just ignore the fact that we weren't on speaking terms and to just let the awkward silence hang in the air. It's just how it had to be for now.

After me and Polly breaking up, I just couldn't face seeing Beth and Malek together, so in every scenario where this happened, I made my excuses to get away and just be by myself. I preferred it that way. At least then I didn't have to pretend I was ok.

So with all this in mind, my last official day before being off for our exams, came as a huge relief. It meant that I could just drop off of the face of the earth completely and retreat into my home shaped cave. I just had to get through this last day unscathed.

Our books were passed around from person to person all day and got put back in our work trays to collect at the end of the day. I was so glad I didn't have to go up to people and ask them to sign it! It was totally cringeworthy and I knew people were dying to ask me what was going on with me and Beth and why me and Polly had broken up. So I avoided a whole world of excuses by the school conducting it in this way and for once I was grateful for a decision well made.

I could feel eyes on me everywhere, as I walked through the school and took part in my lessons. I checked to see if I had anything stuck to my back, my bag and my feet. Nope nothing. So what was going on? Why was I increasingly becoming the focus of peoples attention?

I got on the bus and people went silent. I walked to my seat and sat down and no one said a word. A boy named Louis who was always being picked on for being as camp as Christmas, lent forward once the bus started moving and said under his breathe,

'You might want to take a look at your leavers book Bailey.'

I opened it up, not knowing what I was about to see and suddenly all the strange behaviour made sense.