2019 Poem Journal

i do not belong in your ocean

i will push through what i have gotten myself into 

i will not put the blame of my situation on you 

because to say you are responsible is to say you determine the ending

as i created this situation

i trusted the wrong people

i gave my heart to the wrong people

i thrusted myself entirely into toxicity and convinced myself it was what i deserved because you loved me as much as i loved all of you

i trusted each individual person and allowed them to hold my self worth within them

i allowed them to control my happiness and use me dry

and i refused the truth of the situation until they were done with me 

when they left adrift without a word of why

i allowed myself to tumble into the words they whispered and believe the words were reality

i did that

i allowed this to happen

and i will drag myself out of this depression i have created

the waves of self hatred will wash over me until i inevitably come to the realization i do not belong in the ocean

because i deserve to be loved

i deserve so much more

so i will cure my addiction to affection 

i allowed you to give me the worst time of my life because i believed you gave me the best year

i created this situation

young people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes

mistakes were made but thats alright, in the end its better for me

because i will learn  

as i created this situation

and i determine its ending