2019 Poem Journal

the colors you have left upon me

 I find myself involuntarily drawn to you through even the most complex of days. When I dance I imagine you watching it. I hardly notice when I extend my calypso I am imagining you and all that accompanies. I am further enveloped into emotion and its hard to tell if I am about to cry or if I'm the happiest I've felt in months. Even colors seem to drop me into a haze housed in a collection of my memories and thoughts with you at the center. Every song that floods my head seems to be made just for me and you, an uncanny projection of the predicament we've made. All with people seemingly less in love but with yet a more hopeful outcome than ours. Despite all this I can't seem to purge myself from you. When you pulled back you took the best part of me but honestly I'm more concerned about getting rid of the colors you have left on me. While they were all in the progress of self growth they are all too painful to cary without you. The thought that I am worth it, that I am yellow is entangled with the reoccurring memory of what it felt to watch you look at me as if I was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, to never even looking at all. All those averted eyes and thoughts mixed up makes it difficult to hold on to anything at all let along the good pieces. The parts were I felt the most safe I've felt since a child. The parts where we simply slept through the night together and the parts where I'd already known this was the peak of my life so far. But after the peak there was only the steep spiral back down. This fall was so drastic that just thinking of all the wonderful things id learned and experienced on my way up the mountain hurts as a reminder that I no longer have them.