I'm Not Her

Chapter 21

Break-up is never easy. Break-up is never a good thing. Break-up is never a happy thing. Sungjae and Sooyoung already both experienced break-ups and bad break-ups at that. But it never was this painful.

Sungjae's break-up with Sorim was hard. Her death made everything hard. But it didn't feel like this. It didn't feel like his heart was taken out of his chest. It didn't feel like his whole body ached to be with Sorim. But why is it like this now? Why does it feel like he would die with every intake of air? Why does it feel like his chest is so empty as if there's nothing but a hollow space on it? Why does it feel like every muscle of his body aches to be with Sooyoung? Why do his tears flow out of his eyes non-stop ever since he broke up with her? Why does he want to run towards Sooyoung's house and shout outside how much he wants her back and beg until she's in his arms again?

"Sungjae... please come out of your room." Charm knocks for the nth time today. "We're getting worried."

"Just leave the food outside of my door noona." Sungjae answers. "I'm okay. I'm just not in the mood."

Changsub this time knocks on the door. "Sungjae, you know that hyung is always here for you, right? Please don't shut me out. Let me be there for you just like back then."

Sungjae sighs. "But it's not like last time, hyung. I have to face this one alone. This is all my fault."

"The guys said they'll be stopping by later. Please come join us." Changsub begs his younger brother.

Sooyoung's break-up with Eungyeol was bad. Anger and depression ate her entire being. She hated anything that reminded her of monster of an ex. But it didn't feel like this. It didn't felt so hard to get out of the bed. It didn't feel like someone was suffocating her until it's hard for her to breathe. This time the pain doesn't wanna make her end her life. She wants to continue living because still wants to spend the rest of her life with Sungjae. As painful as it may be, she can't seem to let go of that small glimmer of hope that maybe... just maybe they could be together again.

"Any news?" Sooyoung asks the boy across her.

Changsub sighs again. "Nothing... nothing at all. At least he eats, that's one good thing. But he doesn't come out of his room."

Sooyoung pulls out a couple papers taken from a sketch pad. "Can you give this to him?"

Changsub takes the papers and scans to see what they are. As soon as he sees them, tears start to pool in his eyes. It's a couple of drawings that the girl made herself; portraits of her and Sungjae.

"Sooyoung-ah... these are..." Changsub chokes on his words.

Sooyoung smiles sadly. "Our memories Changsub-oppa. I don't want him to forget. I don't want him to forget that he makes me happy."

"You're not talking in past tense." Changsub says in surprise while the girl just shrugs.

Since it's the summer vacation, Sooyoung and her friends meet up from time to time just to see each other and also for her friends to check up on her because of what happened with her and Sungjae.

"Guys, I'm fine. I swear." Sooyoung puts on a fake smile.

Wendy, who joins them every now and then, pats her hair. "You are definitely not okay."

"Ah! I know!" Yeri suddenly gets an idea. "Why don't we get drunk tonight?"

"Idiot!" Seulgi scolds. "We're all still minors!"

Yeri looks at the adult. "Not all of us. C'mon, we don't need to get that hard drunk. We just need to let off steam y'know?"

Irene raises an eyebrow. "You're the youngest here, where do you get such ideas?"

Yeri looks proud of herself. "We want to comfort Sooyoung right? We can't do that unless..." she looks at the girl. "... Unless she opens up to us."

"Alright fine." Wendy caves. "No one is to hear about this, alright?"

Sooyoung stops her sister-in-law. "Eonnie, we don't want to trouble you."

Wendy stands up. "Go upstairs in your room. I'll be back with our drinks."

Four bottles of beer and a couple of shots of whiskey Sooyoung is already spilling her heart out. The other girls do nothing and just listens just what she needs; a listening ear.

"I don't understand..." Sooyoung hiccups. "Why is this so painful? Why does it feel like my heart is literally broken? I can't breathe. I don't understand." She sobs. "Why can't I bring myself to hate him?" she downs another shot. "I just love him so much. My heart wants him. I want Sungjae." She leans on Wendy's shoulder. "Why did he have to show me love like I've never felt before? Why did he have to make me feel things that no one has ever made me feel? Why did he love me more than anyone possibly can? Why was he able to take my heart so easily when I put walls on it just so no one can ever break it again?"

More shots and drinks, every single on in Sooyoung's room passes out on different parts of her room. Sooyoung, Wendy and Seulgi flop down on the bed while Irene and Yeri are cuddling on the futon they prepared on the floor.

Everyone is mostly asleep, until one of them slowly opens her eyes and leaves the room. Sooyoung sluggishly makes her way downstairs and out of the front door. Fortunately for her, it's summer so the wind outside is not that cold but it's still a bit chilly. Her mind doesn't know where her body was taking her but she suddenly finds herself outside of Changsub and Sungjae's home.

"YOOK SUNGJAE!" Sooyoung throws a pebble to his room. "Come out and face me you coward!" she throws another pebble. "I know you're inside of your stupid room! Come out and talk to me goddamnit!"

A couple of minutes later, the front door opens and Sungjae comes out with his eyes wide. "Sooyoung? What are you doing here?"

Sooyoung takes a couple of hazy steps closer. "The real question here, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Are you drunk?" Sungjae asks as he takes a clearer look of the girl.

"That's none of your business!" Sooyoung avoids his question. "Who are you kidding? Saying that I don't deserve you! You love me."

Pain strikes Sungjae's face. "You should go home Sooyoung."

"Maybe I should... but I am not leaving here until you realize that you deserve to be fucking happy you asshole!" Sooyoung shouts again. "You love me and I love you. You make me so fucking happy and you're so scared because I make you happy too."

"Sooyoung..."

Sooyoung raises a finger. "Shut up. I'm not done talking." She takes a deep breath. "I may be drunk but I'm also telling you the truth. You may be broken... but look at me, I'm crazy. But I know in my heart that I deserve you, not because you're broken but because you're you. I would not trade you for anyone because you have my heart. And I want to live the rest of my life with you."

Sungjae chuckles but he too, got tears streaming down his face. "That's pretty soon to say, don't you think?"

Sungjae isn't really planning or thinking of anything when he said that. But he surely isn't expecting a fist to hit his face. Sooyoung is strong everyone knows that but only then did he know strong she was. The girl can punch and he's sure that it's gonna leave a mark tomorrow.

"Fuck you Sungjae." Sooyoung turns around as she sobs and runs into the night.

It took a while before Sungjae recovers and when he finally did, the girl was nowhere in sight. "Sooyoung wait!"

Sungjae can be very dumb when he doesn't mean it and he has been through a lot. Sungjae can be very stubborn but he doesn't want to make the same mistakes again and so in the middle of the night, he runs after the girl, his girl... the only girl who can make her happy. This time, he won't let go of her ever again.

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Chapter kkeut...

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