My self image

Chapter 17

That night I can't sleep, again, it's not because of me coming late for dinner since I got away with the excuse: 'I though that I needed to leave at six and I didn't hear your calls because my phone died.' I simply can't sleep because it's freezing cold here, I don't know why since no one else of my family thought it was cold inside. I'm lying here with my jogging pants on and a sweater, my covers are up to my nose and yet I'm still shivering. I noticed that I'm cold more and more often. I decide to grab Sandy's blanket that's fold up at the end of her bed. I tip toe to her bed and carefully grab the blanket, it's a quite heavy fabric so I couldn't pick it up with one hand, I slowly reach for it with both my hands underneath it. I want to walk back to my bed but I see Sady moving. 'Hm....wha....what are you doing?' She asks all sleep drunk. 'I was cold so I wanted your blanket but I didn't want to wake you to ask it.' I say. 'You're still cold? Even with those clothes on? Wow....' She says and closes her eyes again.

That morning we're all sitting at the breakfast table, well everyone except for mom. The house feels empty without her even though she wasn't around much. Most of her stuff is gone and dad is pretty down. We're waiting for dad to come so we can start eating breakfast, okay I won't eat but I need to pretend to. Logan went to go look what he was doing, he came back and I looked at him, it was too noisy for him to say something. "on the phone." He mouthed to me, I got it but with who was he talking? I got up and walked to the kitchen door, I held my ear against the door to listen what he said. 'No, you cannot possibly think that's okay.' I heard him say. 'And now what? We're here not knowing what to do. How do you think that feels?!' He says, his voice gets louder and more emotional. 'Oh so you think that you can just leave when you've only told four of our kids. Well? Esther? Are even listening?!' I hear he's really angry, even more than when he saw my hair was red. 'If you think of living in New York with that bimbo you call a man then forget it with the kids coming over!' He yells, it's quiet for a couple seconds. 'Well you know whatever, if that's how much we mean to you.....' He hangs up the phone, I listen for a few more seconds and hear that he's softly crying. I walk back to the table, everyone already started eating since it took too long and we all have to go to school or other things. I wonder if Logan knows who dad was talking to. I look at him and he's trying to entertain our little brother, then he looks back at me and we make eye contact. "You heard?" He mouths to me. "Yeah" I mouth back. He stands up and I do too, together we walk to my room. We sit down on my bed. 'So um, I know that this kind of came as a shock to you, I mean to all of us it did.' He looks with a very serious face. 'Does everyone know?' I ask. 'The four of us know and dad of course, it's too difficult to explain to the little ones you know.' He says. I got confused because how difficult is it to explain that mom and dad aren't getting back together again. 'It's really not that hard to explain that I think.' I say. 'Okay so do you want to tell three little kids that mom cheated on dad?' Logan says. 'What?! Mom cheated?? No that can't be true.' I was shocked, I wanted to scream and cry all at once. 'You didn't know? You said you did.' Logan looks very confused. 'I thought you asked if I knew that dad was talking to mom on the phone and that they're getting divorced.' I feel that my eyes get watery. 'No I meant if you knew about mom cheating since he told me, Lisa and Sady yesterday before dinner so I was wondering if he also told you after dinner or so.' He says. 'No.....he didn't....' Tears are rolling over my face and I try to let it stop but it doesn't stop. Logan hugs me and holds me tight. 'It's okay to cry.' He whispers.