My self image

Chapter 20

Me and Logan were sitting in the doctor's office, waiting for the doctor to call us. I fainted after working out and my family came back from the beach just when it happened. My dad found me laying down on the floor and asked Logan to take me to the doctor. I didn't understand the big deal, after I drank water I already felt better, like every time. 'So ehm, what happened?' Logan asks me. I can't tell it's because of the workout, he would make sure that I could never go to the gym again. 'I don't know, I think I might have the flu.' I say. 'You fainted because you have the flu? What a piece of nonsense.' Logan says while laughing a little bit. 'Well um....then I don't know.....' I say carefully. 'Miss Lilian Waters.' The doctor calls. 'That's you, come let's go.' Logan says and gets up. I get up too, what do I have to tell that man, I'm wearing an oversized sweater so he won't notice anything.

Once to the doctor's office was enough. He almost found out about the not eating thing, if he would've found out I would be in big trouble. He doesn't understand, he doesn't understand how hard it is to be thin. Ana is the only one who gets me, when Liv isn't at school I have Ana, no one might see her but I know she's there. I'm fainting more and more often but as long as my family doesn't find out it's all good. I don't need anybody, if you don't get me then get out. If you can't support me then get lost. Ana gets me, Ana supports me. I'm okay, I'm fine. I might always have to wear oversized clothes, and always be cold, then that's fine, it's all part of the plan. Someday I will be perfect, somehow...... I can go to the gym and exercise until I pass out, that's okay, I'll continue exercising at home, it's okay, I'm fine. If I lose Liv because of this, that's okay, I have Ana, I'm fine. If no one will love me after this, that's all fine, Ana loves me, I'm fine.

I'm laying in bed, I can't sleep, I'm not tired or cold or weak which is good. I don't feel anything anymore, I don't know when the last time was I ate food which is good. Ana has become more supportive than nagging me the whole time. I look at the clock, it's 3am. I haven't slept yet. That's alright I don't feel bad or anything. I don't feel anymore. I decided I don't want to lay in bed anymore, I want to do things. I don't care if people wake up, why would I care? I'm just going to workout in the bathroom, no one needs right now anyways. I walk to the bathroom and lock the door. I start exercising very intensive from the start, everything to lose weight, everything. "Someone's knocking on the door Lilian, Lilian open the door. People are gonna start asking questions, Lilian open the door to show you're fine. Lilian? Lilian come on....."