Sweet Dreams #CHONI [riverdale girlxgirl]

19

Nineteen

Tossing and turning, I struggle to fall asleep. My feet hang out from the end of the blankets, preventing me from overheating but I still find myself uncomfortably warm. I roll onto my side. Cheryl's dark eyes are already open.

"Can't sleep?" I whisper.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I've been thinking."

"Me too," I reply. When she doesn't continue I add, "What are you thinking about?"

"Lots of things."

She won't look me in the eye. "Cheryl, what's--"

"Ask me tomorrow." She rolls onto her back, staring at the roof and leaving me wondering what thoughts are swimming around in her mind.

I wake up early, and by wake up I mean get up since I didn't sleep at all last night. I decide to take a long shower to clear my head. When I walk back into my room, my bed is empty and perfectly made. She could just be downstairs eating breakfast, but something tells me she isn't. I try to not be phased, but I can't help feeling hurt.

I see a familiar rainbow-striped crop top under blue overalls. "Summer!" I shout to get her attention. Her face lights up when she sees me.

"Oh my god, Toni!" I laugh as she gives me a quick hug. "It's been ages," She comments and she's right. The last time I spoke to her and Matt was the day he got in a fight with Aaron. I've been spending so much time with Cheryl that I almost forgot what it was like to hang out with other people. "I thought you were avoiding me..."

"Of course not. Why would you think that?" I ask, feeling guilty about not making more of an effort to talk to my friend.

"Just after the whole thing with Matt and Aaron... maybe you thought I was taking sides." She says uneasily and quickly adds, "Matt's such a perv."

"No," I assure her, "I knew you wouldn't. Plus, Matt was just being his usual self. Aaron was being an overprotective jerk. And I definitely been avoiding you. Lately I've just been..." I struggle to find a word, "-I don't know."

"Distant?"

"Yeah," I say sheepishly. "I'm really sorry about that. A lot has been going on. Anyways, if you thought I was avoiding you guys, why didn't you confront me about it?"

"I guess I just wanted to give you space. And Matt thinks you hate him so th--"

"--What?" I cut her off. "Matt thinks I hate him?"

She nods.

"Shit, I should probably talk to him." I've been so selfish, I didn't even think about how Matt would feel about everything. I lost a boyfriend, but he could have lost his best friend over all of this.

The sound of echoing chatter magnifies as we enter the cafeteria. I search the room for a certain curly-haired boy and spot him sitting next to the one and only Aaron. So they are still friends?

"Boys tend to kiss and makeup a lot easier than girls from my experience," Summer answers my question when she notices me staring at Matt and Aaron sitting happily together like they didn't beat each other up a week and a half ago.

Once we reach the boys' table, Matt's eyes raise in surprise at the sight of me right before I wrap my arms around him. I know it will piss of Aaron, but I didn't do it to make him jealous. I did it because I miss my friend and to prove that Aaron can't control me. He always hated me hugging people. I pull away from Matt's embrace but take a seat next to him.

"Does this mean you don't hate me anymore?" Matt grins.

"I never hated you, Matthew." I call him by his full name to purposefully annoy him. His smile transforms into a glare. "Anyway, I just wanted to come say hi but I should probably go get ready for class."

After my classes I stand with Cheryl at my locker as I pack my bag. I've been hoping to see her all day today but her expression when she asked if we could talk makes me scared. "Okay, I'm done. What's up?" I ask her as I slam my locker door shut.

"Toni," She starts, refusing to look me in the eye again, "There's so much shit in my life right now and I hate the way I'm dragging you into all of this."

This is the last thing I expected from Cheryl. I always thought she was so confident and so sure of herself. She's not the kind of person to feel self conscious when someone spends a lot of time with her. She knows if someone wants to stay with her they will stay, and if they don't like her then they will leave. She doesn't give a single fuck what anyone thinks.

"I want this, Cheryl. It doesn't bother me. I'm not just staying because I feel obligated to," I argue.

"You didn't sign up for all this chaos."

"I don't care. If you're going through shit then I'm going through it with you. I'm not letting you deal with this alone." Swallowing the lump in my throat I tell her, "You're my best friend."

She looks down, and her face becomes hidden by her fiery hair. "I was thinking about yesterday. We just wanted to go watch a movie and my mom ruined that."

"Ruined?" My voice cracks.

Her sad eyes meet mine for the first time today, and she says softly, "You know what I mean."

"No. Stop looking at me like that," I raise my voice, almost yelling from frustration.

Her lips quiver but she lifts her chin up. "I'm sorry," She says weakly.

"Don't be sorry. Just stop looking at me like you know you're about to completely shatter me and you don't have a choice." This time I don't stop the tears from pouring down my face. I squeeze the hem of my shirt until my knuckles are white to distract myself from the gut-wrenching feeling in my chest. My body is screaming but the only thing coming from my mouth is quiet sobs.

"But I don't have a choice, T." A tear rolls down her cheek and it makes the whole world drain of color.

"Yes, you do," I cry, "Just like I'm choosing to be involved in your life. You can't make this decision for me. I don't care if your life is complicated."

"Well you should," She sighs. "I'm sorry for letting it get this far."

And then she turns around, puts on the hood of her red coat and leaves me in this empty school hallway. All I want is for Cheryl to comfort me -- to wrap her arms around me so I can feel her warmth and smell her sweet perfume -- but she's the only one who can't.

***

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