Soldier of Love

Dear Jacob

June 16, 2004

Dear Jacob,

Where did I go wrong? What did I do for you to stop loving me? What did I do for you to go out and do the things you did? Time after time I forgave you, but this time, you hurt me to the core. I have never felt anything like it.

I thought what we had was special and nothing would change that. You made all those promises to me and they all shattered and broke right before my eyes. I caught you every time. Then again, maybe I didn’t. I know you were cheating and smoking when we were apart. But the times I caught you… those were the worse. Only God knows what the hell else you were doing.

But Jacob, what did I do wrong? Was my love not good enough? Was it the sex? Why did you have to go out and find something elsewhere when I devoted myself to you? When you made those promises to me, I thought you meant it. You can’t blame making the promises as a child because you didn’t make those promises as a child. You made them as a sophomore, therefore your mind was quite developed, and not even a year later you were breaking them. But let me not forget, boys always want more than they have.

But that’s simply greed. Greed is always the problem. So many sleepless and endless nights I’ve had over you. So damn many. Because I’m in love with you and I thought you felt the same.

And there was the love we made that connected me even closer to you. The way you held my body close to yours. The way you kissed my forehead and told me you loved me.

Everything was perfect.

When I first met you, I was so scared to talk to you. I remember asking Fatou what she thought of you. I went to Fatou about everything. It was kind of like I didn’t have my own mind. She thought for me and when she told me to talk to you, I was hesitant. I was nervous. What the hell was I going to say? But I walked over to you. I saw you sitting in the field, looking up at the sky above the hills and I sat next to you. I introduced myself and questioned you about your loneliness. You retorted it with a basic and sugar coated, “Mind your business.” But soon after, we were kissing and I was calling you my boyfriend.

Who would have thought that a sixth grade crush would have made it this far? We usually pay no mind to those of younger minds. We say, “You know nothing about love!” but we had it all.

From that moment, we were strong. We were perfect. Everything was perfect. No one could top what we had, not even the jocks and the cheerleaders. I thought we were made for each other. We did everything together.

And I’m sure it will be hard for me to move on because, Jacob, besides my father, you were the only boy I learned the love. You’re the only guy besides Ray, Craig, and Chres, that I’ve allowed myself to be comfortable around. Besides my closest friends and family, I don’t know how to love anyone else. It’s like setting me up with someone else. I won’t know what to do because I’ve been so accustomed to you.

You were my first love.

My first kiss.

My first date.

My first time.

Do you understand what I’m saying?

And again, you cut me deep.

Insecure was how I felt and how I feel now, only a few days later. You can’t really expect me to get over it so fast. Or maybe you can because you sure as hell did. But then again, that’s because you’d moved on before that.

Jacob, was I not good enough? Was I not pretty enough? Were you tired of the same ole’, same ole’? Tell me! I need to know, I deserve to know. What made you put me through the pain and the hurt that you put me through?

Time after time I forgave you. I thought you’d changed and that maybe you just got caught up in the moments… well that’s what you said. BUT TOO MANY TIMES, YOU WERE CAUGHT UP IN THAT MOMENT.

Jacob, how could you cheat on me on my birthday? I sat there at that diner, my favorite diner, Wish Bone, waiting on you for hours. That time could have been spent with my family but I said, “No, mom. Jacob is taking me out. I will spend time with you guys this weekend.” How stupid am I to blow off my family for a boy who was cheating on me and never even showed?

AND MY SHOWCASE. I expected you to watch me perform. That song, that dear song was dedicated to you and you didn’t even see me perform. You didn’t see me get that trophy nor did see me get that $100,000 check because you were too busy getting your penis sucked behind the school. Oh, how classy on the girls part.

OH, and do you want to know something, Jacob? The day I reached my breaking point was the day I came close to kissing Daniel. But then I remembered, I’m in a relationship with Jacob. But sometimes I wished I’d cheated too. Just to cover up the pain. To know that maybe you’d feel the same way I do.

Two wrongs might not make a right, but four lefts do.