Soldier of Love

Obviously, Once He's Gone, He Won't Come Back

November 1995

It's senior year, the year I've been anticipating since freshman year and since Jacob and I's breakup. I'm ready to get out of Chicago and explore. I'm ready for college and its dorms, the wild parties and such.I've applied to so many schools and I'm always spacing out in class when I think of all the things I'm going to experience.

I plan on majoring in writing. I could do music, but like I've said before, I have the gift, but it's not where my heart is at. I wish I didn't have this gift, though. There are people who want the opportunities I've been given and I've thrown them away. But that's better than doing something I don't want to do when there are people who would cut off their hands for it. Why? Because they really want it.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind popping up in a few songs here and there. I'd be called a one hit wonder, but I don't care. Even then, I've done a few songs with Daniel-oops, I mean Diggy. I've got it bad when it comes to stage names. But anyway, one has been released, the others are unreleased. He's waiting for his fans to hear them on his album.

I've got to say, I'm proud of that kid. Who would have thought that this Chicago boy would make it this far? We've had greats come from here like R. Kelly, Kanye, Common, Oprah and Jennifer Hudson, but it's really rare. We don't have producers and managers. There aren't record labels here. Everything people do to get discovered comes from working day and night, or connections.

In Diggy's case, it was working day and night.

I'm glad he didn't have connections. I don't think he'd really know how it feels to rise to the top with no help. He had no help. He earned the record deal fair and square. No one he was close to said, "Hey, I know someone who can help you." He entered contest, put music on YouTube. All of that. He gets to feel how it feels to rise to the top from the ground and below.

But me? I think I'm going to just going to stick to writing. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but it's probably going to be something special. I might write a few teenage novels that are relative to what I've been through and some of the things that teens go through. Or maybe I'll land a job in a magazine or something.

I'd never really had a set mind about what I wanted to do after college. I still don't. All I know is that I'm majoring writing in college. I'm barely aware of what I wanna do that's why I said I might write a book or work for a magazine. Emphasis on might because I'm lazy and those things take a lot of work.

But you know, we'll see. Shit could change. I could be working as a stripper at Magic City in Atlanta or Sin City Cabaret in New York City. We don't know, now do we? And that's bad. I should have thought this stuff out instead of thinking about the future I would have had would Jacob. I don't think of him as much of a distraction because I still got A's and B's but I was so caught up in our future, that I didn't take the time to think about my future. Make sense?

I've applied to a lot of schools like Colombia College Chicago, UCLA (University of California, Los Angeles), SUIC (Southern Illinois University, Carbondale) Emory University, Hamilton College, Johns Hopkins University, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, New York University, Washington University in St. Louis, University of Michigan, Columbia University (New York), University of Iowa, Colorado College, Clark Atlanta, and plenty of other schools.

Acceptance and rejection letters go out next month and my advisory teacher is currently ranting on about the importance of being prepared for college. I know some of you think it's stupid to talk about in November, but time flies, especially when you're getting ready to go away to college. I remember how hectic it was for Jamiya.

We took ACT's as juniors and that helps schools determine whether they want you or not. My score was 30 out of 36 and the average score for students is around 21. That means I did extremely well and there's no reason colleges shouldn't want me. That also means that, as I said before, Jacob wasn't a distraction. Not when I get the scores I have.