Bullied 2 (A Harry Styles Fanfiction)

Chapter 19

"I thought your goal was, being healthy and not having to take those anti depressants anymore," Harry mumbles. My head lays on his chest, his fingers are stroking my hair and our eyes are watery. It´s a morning after a day and night I wish wouldn´t have happened, but it did and I can´t turn back time and make everything better. I barely could sleep last night, what I did was a huge mistake.

"It is, still." I honestly tell Harry. Harry lets out a deep breath and I almost know what he´s going to say now.

"You won´t achieve that goal if you´re close to cutting again." Harry´s voice is only a whisper and I nod. Yesterday brought me back a few steps, back in a direction I should only go forward to achieve my goal.

"I know." This is everything I can say right now. I know that Harry is right. After a few minutes of silence I tell Harry that I´m going to see my therapiest again today.

"That´s good." Harry answers and I expect him to smile, but he doesn´t and that´s what hurts me. Maybe this whole shit ruined something between us, or maybe, it´s only a bad day and everything will be better tomorrow.

"I don´t want that something changed between us, just because of what has happened yesterday." I finally admit. My heart is pounding much faster than usual and my hands are getting sweatier. I´m scared that it would have changed something, it´s my biggest fear in life.

"Nothing changed, Lucy." Harry says but his voice sounds different than usual. He´s quiet and I don´t know if I should trust him.

"Something is different, though." I whisper, not sure if I should argue with Harry about that. Harry sighs and I can´t see his face in the position we´re laying, but I´m sure that he rolls his eyes right now.

"It just can´t be everything alright after something like that happens. I told you a lot of times that it was hard for me to see you like that and it still is. You are scared that your girlfriend leaves you, and you live with that fear every fucking day and just when you lost some of your fear, you find your girlfriend in this state again. I´m sorry that I can´t just shake it off that easily." Harry´s honesty surprises me. He never really told me things like that and it hurts me to know, that he is scared about me every day, it shouldn´t be like that. Harry should trust me, that I´m not leaving him, but I can totally understand him, after everything what happened.

"I don´t tell you to forget what happened, because I can´t either. I just want you to trust me, I don´t want you to be scared every day." I tell Harry.

"I know you don´t want to, but I am. You have never been in a position like I am. You don´t have that fear that you might lose me one day and you don´t see me holding a blade against my wrist. Trust me, if you would, you would feel exactly the same." Harry´s voice shocks me and I would want to escape from this, but I know we have to talk about that.

"I understand you, Harry. I understand your fear and I can´t tell you to forget something. I just know that our relationship is strong and we can work through everything." I tell Harry. I want to hear the same from him, I want to know, that nothing is going to be different after all, but Harry only hums and now I´m the one who´s scared that I might lose him one day.

...

"A relapse is totally normal and you can be very proud that you didn´t hurt yourself, after all." My therapiest smiles at me and I´m glad that I got an appointment today. After a few minutes of silence I had to make myself ready for going outside and leaving Harry alone in our flat. We didn´t even talk to each other again, all he said to me was a simple "good bye".

"But my boyfriend saw me in this state and he told me how scared he is, that he might lose me. It is so hard for me to convince him otherwise and I know that yesterday changed something in our relationship." I tell her and she nods.

"Of course it is hard for him, imagine you would see your boyfriend like this." I let out a deep breath and fight against my tears.

"That´s what he said, too. I know that it is hard for him but I don´t want to lose him." I tell my therapiest, "My goal was always not having to take those anti depressants anymore but Harry and me both know that I went back a few steps from my goal." I say and let my head fall against the leather couch.

"Trust me, it isn´t that important if you have to take these another four months, or another year. You will be able to lead a life without them one day, I promise you. You´re a very strong and beautiful girl and we both know that you can do this. You can be very proud of yourself, don´t give up so easily." My therapiest touches my shoulder and looks deeply into my eyes. I look down at my thighs for a few seconds and smile.

"I´m not giving up." I tell her and look into her eyes again. My therapiest smiles and nods.

"I knew you wouldn´t." She tells me.

"But what should I do because of Harry now?" I frown and rub my temples.

"Talking with him always helps and all you can do is staying strong and loving him. You can´t take away his fear and you can´t change his opinion on your relationship with him. All you can do is love him and see what happens." My therapiest slightly shrugs her shoulders and it´s almost ridiculous, seeing my therapiest that clueless.

"I know, thank you." My therapiest smiles and stands up and I know that my therapy lesson is over now. Talking with her always feels like five minutes, when in reality an hour is over. I get up too and make my way to the door.

"Call me whenever you need to talk." I nod and leave the building.

(Hey guys! I´m still kind of ill and I have been to the doctors again yesterday and thankfully got some medicine. I´m sorry this chapter isn´t that long and that I can update only once a week during school, but I hope you´re okay with that and you still like it!)