Bullied 2 (A Harry Styles Fanfiction)

Chapter 18

2 weeks later

I don´t know why I´m twisting the blade between my fingers right now... hell I don´t even know why there´s still a blade in our flat. No matter how hard I keep trying... I still can´t just throw it away. Just in case I would need it again some day..

I´m over this shit. I´m over cutting and hurting myself in a way. But still there are days when it´s incredible hard of staying strong and not falling in my old me again. Sometimes you can´t control your thoughts and stop them. I´ve found my ways how to deal with it... for example reading books, listening to music, doing some stuff with friends and of course spending time with Harry, even doing some sports and going to my therapiest. Or I flick a band against my wrist or punch against a pillow.

Normally that would help me and it only happens like three or four times a month and it would only last like a day but now I have those thoughts again for almost a week and I don´t know why´s that and what happened to me. I just have the fear of losing everything I have, of being ugly and fat and I´m feeling so alone. Even if there are persons who are always by my side, I feel so unbelievable alone and unwanted. Maybe Harry is just still with me because he´s scared that I might do something stupid again if he leaves me. My thoughts are fucking me up and I can´t seem to stop them somehow.

Harry is meeting up with Gemma right now and I´m not sure if even their dad will come too... I´m so incredible proud of Harry for giving his dad a chance again or at least for trying but right now I only have thoughts for myself and I can´t put the blade away on it´s place. I´m feeling nothing at all and to be honest I kind of miss the pain and the blood running down my wrist. Fucking hell I know that it shouldn´t be like that but it is. I don´t want to get worse.. I´m over this whole shit and I´m not doing this again but it´s such a struggle and it doesn´t seem like it would end anytime soon.

I should call a friend, my parents, Harry or my therapiest. I should try to do everything which could distract me, and I know that there are a many things, but my body doesn´t have the energy to get up and stopping this shit. All I can do is watching the blade between my fingers, holding it against my wrist and fade out everything else.

"WHAT THE FUCK LUCY!" Harry´s scream brings me back to reality and my eyes widen. What happened now? Fuck... Harry looks to the blade against my wrist and then back in my eyes. His eyes are full of anger and sadness and I want to say something but I feel so numb and incredible tired. Harry takes the blade away from me and shakes his head. His mouth is wide open and I can feel and see the shock from him but I don´t know what´s up with me. Fuck.

"What´s up with you? What happened?" Harry´s eyes get watery but still I feel nothing at all. I can only shake my head and shrug my shoulders.

"I wasn´t going to do this." I honestly admit. All I was doing was sitting here, looking at that fucking blade, feeling nothing at all and thinking about stuff. But I wasn´t going to hurt myself.

"YOU FUCKING HOLD THAT BLADE AGAINST YOUR WRIST! WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IF I CAME HOME LATER?" Harry shakes my shoulders but still there´s nothing I could tell him.

Harry´s POV

What is wrong with her? What happend to the girl I love? Why did she fall again? Was she really just holding that blade without hurting her or is she just lying to me? There´s nothing in her eyes and there´s just her body sitting infront of me but not Lucy. Lucy isn´t here right now and this is all too familiar for me and I thought we went trough this and that wouldn´t happen again.

"Lucy tell me what happened, please." I softly whisper. I don´t know how to react and I can´t hide my shock, anger and sadness but it seems like Lucy isn´t going to realise that I´m even infront of her, catching her what she was doing. I´m glad that I came home ealier but that doesn´t make anything better. I thought it would be going to be okay again... I met Gemma and we had a nice talk and she understands that I don´t want to see our dad right now and Gemma told me that even my dad understands me but I also told her it´s possible that I will see my dad again some day and maybe give him a second chance... but just not right now. And I really felt better after all but why didn´t Lucy tell me what was up with her or why the fuck didn´t I realise something ealier? I know that she doesn´t feel happy all the time but how could I miss that she´s so far away again?

"Sorry... I- I really didn´t want to hurt myself, I´m not lying, please believe me." Lucy´s voice is only a whisper and her eyes are still wide open. I don´t know what to do... maybe it would be better if she sees her therapiest righ now?

"But you were holding a blade against your skin and I didn´t even know that you´re still keeping one." Tears are rolling down my cheeks now. I´m so scared that I might lose her. Fuck I love this girl with all I have... she is my life and I don´t want to lose her. I don´t want that she gets worse again. I was so happy that we went trough all of this.. that we could finally lead a normal relationship and now she´s back into that?? Will she ever understand that I need her as much as she needs me? I couldn´t live without her... if she would ever going to kill...

"I swear I wasn´t going to hurt myself. I don´t know what has gotten into me but I´m over this shit, you know this but I just had some stupid thoughts again but that doesn´t mean I would hurt myself again." Lucy is stroking her thumb against my cheek and her eyes are full with worries. She´s back... my girl is back and I think she realized what she was doing.

"You´re not allowed to leave me alone, Lucy. If you are going to kill yourself, I´m going to kill myself aswell. I can´t live without you." I admit and Lucy´s eyes widen. I guess she didn´t even know this until now but it´s all true. She needs to realize that she´s the most important thing in my life. I can´t believe that she has those thoughts again... she can´t leave me alone. I don´t want to go through this again, I can´t.

"Harry... I´m not going to leave you. I´m not going to do this shit again. I´ve learned from my mistakes and I´m doing better. You don´t have to be scared about me. Holding that blade again was a huge mistake but I wasn´t going to do anything. Yes, I wasn´t doing fine in the last few days but this is normal after all. I love you, nothing bad will happen." Lucy squeezes my hand and lets herself fall onto her knees next to me. She´s facing me now and those beautiful eyes are looking deep into my soul.

"Please go to your therapiest again. Please don´t do something stupid. Please.." My breathing and sobbing goes heavier. And fuck, I should be the one who comforts Lucy but now I´m the weak one. I can´t seem to stop crying and being scared about my girl. Lucy opens her arms and hugs me.

"Shh.. calm down Harry. I´m never going to leave you, eveything is alright. I will go to my therapiest tomorrow and I will do anything that I´m feeling happy again and I won´t leave you alone, never."

...

Lucy´s POV

Harry is asleep now. I´m still stroking his hand and Harry´s tears are still visible. I never thought that I could scare Harry like that... that he really worries that much about me. But I promised him that I would never leave him or do something stupid again. I really don´t know what happend with me and where my mind was but I came back to reality when I saw Harry like that.

I don´t want that Harry feels like that because of me. Harry is the love of my life and we both can´t live without each other. I would never want that Harry goes through so much pain again, just because of me. His girlfriend should be the one who makes him happy. I was so stupid for ruining all of this. Harry was finally doing better again, after all he was going trough because of his father and our relationship were back to normal and now he saw me with that fucking blade against my skin.

I know that Harry will be scared of leaving me alone again now and he would do anything to protect me from myself and all the hate in this world but he has to know that everything is going to be alright.

I press a kiss against Harry´s cheek. His chest is still raising and falling way too fast but I know that we´re going to be okay again. We have to. We need to. There can´t be more love between two people. We´re so young and damaged but we can fix our broken souls. We just have to trust each other. We´re going to talk about everyhing tomorrow and it will be okay. Okay. It will be okay.

(Hope you all love this chapter!! I´m so sorry that I wasn´t able to update the whole week but I´m happy that I could today and I hope it was worth it, it´s even longer than usual. :)

Hope you´re all doing fine, tell me if you need anything! So much love from me goes to every single one of you. I´m trying my best to make this story one of my best so far. Please don´t forget to vote and comment if you like it. xx)