Yours Truly, Me (Troyler)

✉️Prologue✉️

Troye POV

I had a much more depressing day than usual. I'm not even sure why.

I mean, I've been somewhat depressed for a while now, but I'm faking through it because there's no way in hell I'm taking antidepressants. As far as I'm concerned, they may take away the pain, but they take away everything else too, so that you're numb. But if you feel nothing, than are you even human anymore?

But I guess the question is: Do you want to be human?

I mean, there's no changing the fact that I'm a person. I'm okay with that, but other times, being a human sucks.

Emotions can be bitches. I've read in The Fault in our Stars once that 'Without pain, we would not know joy.' While I can see the logic behind that, I think in a way, it's utter horseshit. People go through life all the time without feeling sad or angry. They just have easy lives, and they're happy.

But are they?

Are they really?

Maybe they're empty too, and they just hide it because they know they don't have a reason to be depressed.

Like me.

Now, I'm not going to say that I live a lavish life, because I don't, but I don't have a bad life. I have my parents, who love and adore me, my sister and brothers, who care a lot about me, and we don't have to worry about money, especially since I'm the star of the South African movie franchise, Spud. I usually have the things that I want, but there aren't that many things that I want, really.

I want to be happy. But I don't know quite how to get that sometimes.

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy things that make you happy, which is close enough. Money buys wifi, and Tumblr makes me happy. Money buys Nutella, which makes me happy.

Temporarily. Happiness doesn't last forever, sadly.

Because I'm human.

Anyways, as I said, I've been kind of depressed for unfathomable reasons. I don't really have any friends, other than my best friend, Kayla. Everyone else, well, I'm more censored around them. And even Kayla, I don't admit everything to.

But I don't think that's the reason I'm sad. I'm a natural introvert.

Another thing about me: I'm gay. It's not that big of a deal. My family knows. Kayla knows. My cast mates know. That's about it.

I'm not depressed because I'm gay. Straight people get depressed too, and not because they're straight, so why should I get depressed because I'm gay.

I came out a little less than a year ago to my family, when I was 15. I've just recently turned 16.

Maybe the reason I'm depressed is because I've never fallen in love?

Probably not. I mean, not loving someone can be sad, sure, but I'm only sixteen, and I don't actually know any other gay guys. Not much variety to choose from, so I'll just have to wait.

I'm not in the business of being interested in straight people, because I'm an admittedly cynical person. I don't like to get my hopes up for absolutely no reason. Not even celebrities, really. I admit that they're attractive, but I'm just not attracted to them.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just depressed because I don't know why I'm depressed. Maybe it's just many things contributing, and it's too many thing contributing to keep track of, so I can't fix them all.

I don't know.

But either way, maybe I'm just more depressed than usual because I'm thinking about it too much.

I decide to watch some YouTube videos, since they always make me happy. I start with Tyler Oakley's video, since he makes me the happiest. I guess, in a way, I have a crush on him, but it's probably just admiration mixed with his attractiveness in general. Plus, he's one of the people who inconspicuously helped me come out to my family.

After watching one of videos, where he opens up and reads fan-mail, I get an idea.

I grab some paper, and a pencil, and begin to write a letter to the Tyler Oakley.

But not fan-mail. Just a letter, telling him how I feel, just about things. As if we were friends. Here's the letter:

Dear Tyler,

So, I'm writing you a letter right now. But it's not fan-mail. Don't worry, it's not hate or anything! I admire you a lot as person! I'm writing a letter, not sure if you're going to read it or not, just because I need to vent some things out, and I want to take comfort in knowing that either someone is listening, or no one in the world will know these things about me.

I guess you could say I'm depressed. But I don't act like it, because I refuse to consider taking antidepressants. I think they make you empty, and numb, not just getting rid of the pain, but everything else too. Without emotions, are we even human?

Anyways, I'm not sure why I'm depressed. I thought for a while that it was because I've never been in love. But I've never even had the opportunity. See, I'm 16, I'm gay, and I live somewhere where gay marriage isn't legal, and I don't really have friends as it is, much less gay ones. Besides, I don't even think I know what love is. Why should I go looking for it.

I'm out, so I'm not dreading that or anything. My family, my one 'close' friend knows, my... acquaintances, I'll refer to them as on here, know. It's really not that big of a deal. Being straight isn't a big deal, so why should my 'strictly dickly' preferences be a big deal.

I have a wonderful family life, so that's not why I'm depressed. They're not homophobic, they love me and care a ton about me, so what more could I ask for? By the way, I have both parents, a younger sister, a younger brother, and an older brother.

Maybe I'm depressed from many things? Maybe I'm depressed because I'm not even sure if anything is depressing me? I don't even know. Anyways, I'm pretty much writing all of this to you because in order to not be diagnosed as depressed, I have to censor myself around everyone I know. But, even though I've watched every single one of your videos more than a few times, i technically don't know you, and you definitely don't know me. So, I can be true and out there on this piece of paper.

I don't know why I want to mail it, though. I could just as easily throw this paper away, or burn it, or something along those lines, but I guess I want someone to listen to me. But at the same time, it might be better if no one knew about what I think. I don't know, but I'll take comfort on different days, depending on one or the other. At least one of them is true, I just don't know which one.

Just so you know, I may or may not send more letters, just letting myself out. I haven't felt this great in a long time. But I won't tell, you who I am, simply because you could easily find me. I won't put a return address, because I want you to keep it.

I sincerely hope we can meet someday. Take comfort in knowing I watched your videos, and several others', to get the courage to come out. I think we could be best friends, if given the chance.

But I still don't think I could look you in the eye, if you I was the face behind the letter(s) if we meet. Thanks for either having the decency to listen to what I had to say ( write ), or having the decency to let my thoughts stay private. Whichever.

Yours Truly,

Me

After I finish the letter, I put his P.O. box address on the back of the envelope, find a stamp, one that didn't give away my country ( Australia ) and left it clipped on the front of my mailbox for the mailman, who was coming in about twenty minutes.

I felt much better than I did a few minutes ago. It was easy, pouring myself out, writing that letter. I was glad that I did it. I hoped he did get it, but I'm still not sure if I really want him to read it or not.