imagines - s.m

☽ | Reasons

Note ; This chapter contains suicidal content, if you might get trigger please check my other content.
This chapter is inspired from '13 Reasons Why'

"You know, I wish I never done this to you, Shawn," (y/n) said with low voice hiding her face from the camera by looking down, "I know you're angry because me leaving you without giving you clue or explanation."

"And congrats, Shawn, you finally see this tape."

Shawn looked that (y/n) took a deep breath before continue her words.

"No one understand how it feels like to gone through in situation like this. I know it sounds so selfish to say that, I know it sounds like I'm blaming on everyone because of my death. I just.. like to keep every pain to myself, I don't want anyone to know what kind of deep shits I'm going through."

"Even you, Shawn. I don't think you would understand. But...," A tear slip down again against her cheek, "I'll tell you why in this tape."

"You know my past, Shawn. The time when I was hurting myself for a few reasons. But I didn't tell you the full story, I only told you that everything became beautiful since my Mom found out about my cuts because she understands."

"She... didn't, actually."

"(y/n)... Why haven't you told me this?" Shawn whispers with tear filling up his eyes.

"She didn't tell me those beautiful words I told you. Instead, she asked me why did I do that? Why did I embarass the family by hurting myself? Why did I make people assume that I use drugs? Why did I do this such pointless thing?"

"She told me that life is rough, so does her past. She make it sounds like I'm weak. Like... what I'm goin' through isn't that bad. But it was my fault too, I didn't actually tell her about the actual reason why I did cut myself."

"Only you, Shawn. You're the only one who knows why I cut myself. It's because I trust you. I... know, maybe you're going to say, if you trust me, why don't you tell me?"

"It's... because... I'm afraid if you're going to worry about me. Because.. I lied, Shawn. I'm not fully recovered from those hurting myself thing. I still do it, secretly, without you knowing. I don't want you to just worry about me..."

"I'm really sorry..." She cried then end the tape. Shawn try to press the play button, but it seems to do nothing. He cried, put his laptop on the side of his bed, "Ekhm.. Uhm... I'm... really sorry."

Shawn look over to his laptop and saw (y/n), she was fixing the camera, he saw the duration of the tape, it has a few tape inside of the flashdisk, "And that's just not the reason.. I mean, I know, I made it like my death is because everyone. No, not like that, it's just.. I wanted you know—now, at least."

"Sometimes it's hard to believe that someone actually care and love me. It's because I didn't get the love and careness from my own family," She continues, "The day that you ask me to marry you, I was so happy. I can't tell you how much happy am I that day, but I was feeling... not sure about it. Not because I'm not ready for it, it's because I can't believe someone actually love and care for me. It's because I didn't get those things from my own family."

"You were so scared when I cupped your face and says that I need some time to answer that, I felt so bad for making you feel scared. I swear, I wanted to marry you the first time you understands my past, trust me. But then again, I can't believe someone... love me."

Shawn wipes off his tears of his cheek, "I love you, Shawn. I know I'm not saying this enough to you, because that's a heavy words."

"No one have loved me like you did, Shawn. You gave me the love that I really needed. I'm really really thankful for your existance. And sometimes I feel bad when you went home from work midnight, I know you're tired, I try my best to hide my depression stage but you always calm me down, even when you're the one who's tired."

"And I'm sorry for what I did. I just feel like it's better for me to go away, so that you won't have to worry about me."

"I love you.. Shawn."

That's the last word she says in the tape before the screen turn dark and the duration of the tape is ended.

"(y/n).... I love you too," He finally cried until he sobs.