Just Us ✔️

Admissions

We had made it to Lenin Park, Wendy had set up a game of soccer in the field, and set the food up by the picnic tables. As we look around, everyone seems to have smiles on their faces. Remembering the life of someone who touched so many people brought people joy.

Benji was playing soccer with some of his cousins, Spencer, Wes and Nova. Wendy was talking to some of Bill's old colleagues, and Jonas was dancing with his little cousin.

My dad appears next to me, handing me a can of root beer.

"How you holding up munchkin?"

"I don't know, I'm fine I guess"

"You guess? Honey, that's not going to do much. What's going on?"

"It's just hard saying goodbye, and seeing Jonas struggle as much as he is, it's painful"

My dad wraps an arm around my shoulder and squeezes my arm.

"It'll take time for him to heal, but the best thing you can do is stick with him."

I nod my head

"I know." I say watching Jonas.

"Listen Lacey, your mom wants to talk to you about some stuff, I'll send her over here"

I nod at my dad before giving him a hug, and he walks off to find my mom. And I'm left alone, watching everyone.

I find myself continuously watching Jonas play with Lily. She was only four years old. She was standing on his feet as he danced with her. He had a smile on his face, and for the first time in days it was genuine. I know how much he loved kids, and he was great with them. I know how much he wants a family and I know he'd be a wonderful father. And what hurts me the most, is that I can't give that to him. No matter how badly I wanted to.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and hang my head, I didn't need anyone seeing me cry. I hated it. I hated being weak and vulnerable. I needed to breath. Even though we were outside, I felt contained, I felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn't handle it.

I step away from the crowd and walk towards the swings at the playground nearby. The gravel crunches below my feet as I get closer. I sit in the swing and twiddle my thumbs in my lap as my attention goes to my shoes. They weren't anything special, but right now they were so interesting. I sniffle before letting the tears fall, I didn't hold them back. The breeze picks up slightly, causing goosebumps to appear on my skin, but I didn't care. I couldn't. My body had become numb. All of the emotion I've held inside my whole life was coming out at this moment and I couldn't stop it.

My head was throbbing and my heart was pounding. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to curl up into a ball. I felt so worthless, and I didn't know why.

I hear gravel crunching and footsteps getting closer to me, but I didn't look at whoever it was. I couldn't. I didn't have the energy. My body was shutting down.

"Lulu?" His voice was soft and quiet.

But I still couldn't look at him.

He walks around to be in front of me and squats down so he can see my face. He brushes my hair away and puts a few strands behind my ear.

"Lulu, baby, look at me" he says, his voice nearly a whisper.

When I don't react or respond, he places his fingers under my chin and tilts my head up. He brushes my tears away with his thumbs.

"Why are you crying? What happened?"

I close my eyes tight and pull my head away from his touch.

"Please talk to me, I want to help you baby"

I shake my head.

"I'm so sorry Jonas"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, please just open your eyes and talk to me lulu"

I slowly open my eyes and gaze at him. His face was plastered with concern. Looking at him made more tears fall, he's already lost so much, I don't want to tell him but I know I need to. He needs to know.

He grabs my hands and gently pulls me off the swing and to the ground, where he places me on his lap, so my legs are on either side of his. His arms wrap around my body as he pulls me closer to him, I nuzzle into his neck as his chin rests on top of my head.

"Please tell me what's wrong" he whispers

I pull away and drop my head. I was ashamed.

"I need to tell you something important, I should've told you a long time ago. And if you don't want to be with me anymore I completely understand, I just need to tell you"

"Lulu, Nothing you can say will make me leave you."

My eyebrows knit together as I try to fight the tears.

"I" I pause, I didn't know how to say it.

I take a deep breath and look into his deep brown eyes.

"I can't give you what you want"

"What are you talking about? I don't want anything but you"

"I mean a family Jonas."

His eyebrows furrow and he looks at me with confusion.

"I can't have kids, I can't get pregnant. I can't have a family, I-i can't give you a family. And it sucks because I know it's what you've always wanted, and I know you'd be a fantastic father. And I-i just want to make you happy and I can't, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I let you down." I say through the tears.

I see a look of disappointment flash across his face but it quickly disappears.

"Baby you didn't let me down"

"I did Jonas, I can't give you what you want, and I don't want to keep dragging you along, and giving you hope that it'll happen because it won't. It can't. Not with me."

"Lulu you didn't let me down, it's not your fault, don't blame yourself baby. You make me the happiest I've been in years, I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have your love, and have you. I wouldn't change anything about you lulu, you're amazing, and beautiful, and funny, and smart, and you always give all of yourself and I love that about you"

"But-"

"No buts, I don't want to hear it. I love you. And you're going to be stuck with me forever. And in the future if we decide that we want to extend our family, there are options. We can adopt, or do surrogacy. We have choices baby, but I don't want you to give up on us because of it okay?"

I nod my head

"Can you promise me?"

I look deep into his eyes.

"I promise Jonas"

He shows me a small smile before kissing my cheek.

"I love you so much, I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me. I'll always be there for you"

"I love you too, I promise, I'll make it up to you"

A small chuckle escapes his lips.

"You don't need to baby"

Before I can respond his lips find mine as he kisses me more passionately then ever before, I felt everything he was giving me, all the fear, all the pain and all the love.

We loved each other and I know we could get through this obstacle. It wasn't going to stop us from giving each other our all. And for that I was grateful.