Kick Off and Cash In

Tesco Complaint

It's said that Tesco is that big that for out of every £10 spent in the UK, £1 of it is spent in a Tesco. A 10% share of the spending power of the UK's population? in the words of Darth Vader, Impressive...very impressive. Would Tesco prove that every little helps or would my complaint fall on death ears?? There's only one way to find out!

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15/02/2012

Good Afternoon Phil Clarke and the Tesco team,

Now I’m not the type of chap to complain and make a scene Phil. I’ve been to house parties where I was served chilled red wine. Imagine that Phil, I’m sure you’re a cultured chap. Chilled red wine. I drank it and thanked the host. You see, I believe in good manners, even in the face of poor beverage storage etiquette. However, events last week have forced my hand Phil, and I feel it necessary to bring matters to your attention.

First off, long time fan of the Tesco brand and I think you’re worth every penny of the £6.9million pound salary you receive from the company. I’m a big fan of the club card points too. Only last week used my club card vouchers at Cineworld. The missus got to see a film for just £4, a saving of over £3 which I thought was an excellent 30th birthday present I’m sure you’ll agree.

 However last weekend I was in your Cardiff store (Western Avenue) helping my granddad get his weekly shop. Imagine my horror when I overheard two of your shelf stackers discussing how one of them had “smashed her” and that he had “kicked her back doors in and painted it white on the way out”. I’m sure you’re a man of the world Phil, and should there be any doubt, these are rather misogynistic euphemisms. It’s a reference in regards to penetrating a lady’s rear exit, and the painting it white would be in reference to a gentleman’s climax. Now my granddad is a WW2 veteran Phil, he was an Army commando in the SBS. He doesn’t get the crude reference Phil. He’s a man who lives on an estate where vandals have been operating down alleyways breaking into garages and scrawling graffiti over people’s property. He’s a man of honour Phil, and one who doesn’t condone wife beating. As you can see he took the sentence to be a literal admission of criminal damage. I had to stop him, to use his own words “knocking their blocks off”. This left me in a difficult situation, do I tell him what they meant, or do I attempt to wrestle him to the floor. Thankfully I talked him down with promises that I’d buy him his copy of the Daily Express and a large packet of Murray mints. My Granddad’s favourite films are Harry Brown and Death Wish Phil. He’s an impressionable chap who has displayed vigilantly tendencies previously and was banned from Cardiff’s Farmer’s Market over the Mad Cow Disease fiasco of the early 1990’s. I’ve had to since refuse to take him to Tesco and instead I’ve been taking him to Asda as I’m worried as to what he’d do given a chance of collaring the culprits.

 Now I’m not the type of guy to kick off and run to the papers, it’s not my style. Kids have got to eat and I’m not in the business of trying to get people sacked. However, at least have a word, let them know they’ve been rumbled. I’m sure these two people aren’t representative of all your staff at Tesco. Unfortunately I was not able to get a good description of the two rogues although one of them did suffer from excessive acne which does make me question his rather uncouth boast as the only thing he’d paint white would be his mirror after an exceedingly productive spot popping session.

 In the meantime, I haven’t been back to your stores and I have found myself having a look at pros and cons of Sainsbury’s nectar points. Hopefully you will be able to intervene and restore my faith in the Tesco brand.

 Regards

 Adam Henderson

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I made one fatal error with this complaint. The whole point of the complaint is to get a reply in writing, that way it makes it very easy to show the correspondence. When I emailed the complaint I deliberately left off my mobile number. Imagine my suprise when a week after my complaint I received a call from Tesco regarding my complaint. A middle aged sounding woman advised that she fully agreed with my Granddad and that she too would have knocked the culprit's block off. She asked if she wanted me to pass on my phone number to the store manager to progress matters. I duely insisted. However nothing came of it.

The error I made was to upload my complaint and air it on Facebook and other Social Media outlets before I had my reply. My mobile number is listed on my website. A friend of mine has a friend who works at Tesco for their complaint department. Putting two and two together I dare say that that person found my website www.kickoffandcashin.com, which links to www.adamhendersoncomedian.com and they made an older member of the team contact me by phone whilst pissing themselves at how uncomfortable she was speaking with me. They then would probably have let her in on the fact that it was a pisstake afterwards.

Result?? DENIED.

Lesson learned, get the full correspondence before posting.