Gunita [EDITING]

once

Nanginginig pa rin ako hanggang sa makauwi kami sa bahay namin sa Makati. I barely even survived after crying and getting panic attacks for almost half an hour—everything just felt suffocating, na parang lunod na lunod na'ko sa lahat ng mga nangyayari... gulong-gulo na'ko kasi sunod-sunod na lang, na parang ayaw na nilang tumigil porke't wala kaming kapangyarihan laban sa kanila.

Gustong-gusto ko ng sumuko...

But still, deep inside of me, I still want to fight... kasi alam ko na kailangan ko pang lumaban...

I can't let them win over us... I can't let the Juarez win over me...

I can't let them win if I haven't even tried to fight yet...

"Brandi..." I took a deep breath in upon hearing Zachary's voice from the other line. Kanina pa'ko walang imik kahit tawag na siya nang tawag sa akin. Kasi hindi ko rin alam kung ano'ng sasabihin ko... I didn't want them to be involved in our families' mess kasi alam ko na nagsisimula na naman sila sa panggugulo—Zachary almost died four years ago and I still can't forget his blooded image asking for help and I couldn't even do anything to save him...

I was just glad that they didn't kill him...

But that moment... that moment when we both felt very helpless in front of their eyes.

Hindi ko na kaya kung maulit na naman 'yun...

I'd rather die instead of watch them get hurt... all because of us.

I didn't want that to happen again.

Kasi nakaka-trauma... pero ano'ng magagawa ko? Sobrang selfish ko na ba bilang tao kung gusto kong nandito lang sila sa tabi ko? Kasi pakiramdam ko, kaunti na lang sasabog na'ko... if it weren't for them, hindi ko na talaga alam kung pa paano...

"H-how's Dash?" I asked, wiping away the tears that kept on falling from my eyes. "I'll try to reach out to Chen, ha? Tell him..."

Zachary sighed, "Hindi pa rin namin makausap nang maayos si Dash... but I know he'd get through this. That kid's a tough one," he said, trying to smile to appease me. I nodded. "Just call us if you need something..."

I tried to smile in front of the camera—and Sofia appeared out of nowhere, waving her hand, trying to smile.

"Hi," she said, pushing Zachary a little bit para makaupo sa tabi niya. "How are you?"

I smiled timidly.

Sofia knows what happened to Zachary, at hindi ko rin alam kung bakit okay lang sa kaniya na si Zach pa rin 'yung tinatawagan ko noon.

Siguro nga ang selfish ko na lang talaga. Insensitive.

"Just tell us kung may problema, and we'll try to be of great help, ate... I know how much you're hurting right now... and I can't be selfish enough to take Zachary and any of your friends from you," she said—itago man niya sa'kin pero nakita ko na rin kung paano nangilid ng luha ang gilid ng mga mata niya.

God...

Please give us a break.

"J-just... be careful, you know?" Sofia tried to smile, but her tears told another story. Zachary was quick to hug and appease Sofia as I hear her sobs from the other line. Hindi ko na rin napigilang mapaluha... ang hirap kasi habang lumalaban ako, mas dumarami ang nasasaktan namin. Na pakiramdam ko kahit ano'ng gawin kong laban, ako rin 'yung matatalo.

Kasi hindi lang naman ako 'yung naaapektuhan.

I can't... I can't be selfish my entire life.

"She's okay," says Zachary after a couple of minutes. "I already tucked her to sleep. She's pretty emotional these days."