Gunita [EDITING]

treinta y cinco

Tahimik lang ako habang nakasunod kami kay doktora habang nagra-rounds. Pakiramdam ko lumilipad 'yung utak ko kung saan-saan, pero hindi ko naman pwedeng hayaan na gano'n na lang ako buong magdamag. 'Di naman kasi pwede 'yun sa field na pinasok ko.

"Teh, ayos ka lang?" Napalingon ako kay Tims habang hinihintay na bumaba 'yung kinuha kong soda can sa vending machine. Ngumiti lang ako nang bahagya bago kinuha 'yun sa ibaba. "Natutulala ka na naman."

I sighed, "Ang gulo na naman kasi," I said, opening my can of soda habang nakatingin lang sa labas. Everytime I tell myself it shouldn't bother me, mas lalo lang nagugulo 'yung isip ko... kahit anong gawin ko pumapasok pa rin nang paulit-ulit sa utak ko.

I'm still stuck in this hell of a nightmare they created.

Malapit naman na, Brandi... Konti na lang.

"Would you like to be alone muna?" Nginitian ko si Amelia at tumango.

"You know... anything family related, we understand that you can't disclose any of it to us, but just know that we're here," she said. "We cannot ease that pain but just know that there are people who are always rooting for your happiness... whatever that is."

Mabilis kong niyakap si Amelia at Tims. Para siguro kaming tanga sa lobby ng hospital na nagyayakapan... pero as much as I want to tell them what's happening to me, it's better to keep them away from my real problems in life. Mas okay na 'yung puro lang kami rant sa internship... ayaw ko nang paguluhin 'yung buhay nila.

Kapag nadamay sila, damay na lahat.

Ayaw ko no'n.

I know being friends with me would cost them a lot... they've simultaneously appeared on shows na rin for interviews, but they're from well-known families din naman.

Pero ayaw kong idamay 'yung pamilya nila.

Our families aren't really connected to them. As far as I know, they don't really associate themselves with politics kaya natakot din akong maging magka-kaibigan kami. So as long as I can keep it low, I'll really keep it low.

I can't drag them into my hell pit.

"Nasa café lang kami, okay? Punta ka na lang if you can breathe already, okay?" Tims said. "Breathe, Brandi. You're not alone."

I smiled and nodded.

Pinanood ko muna silang maglakad palayo bago ako lumabas papunta ng garden. Napalagay ako ng kamay ko sa loob ng bulsa ng white coat ko habang naglalakad papunta sa railings.

The first time I went here, I actually thought of jumping... it was a stupid idea that shouldn't even have crossed my mind, but it did.

Kasi nakakapagod talaga.

Pero may dahilan pa rin naman ako para mabuhay... si Uno, 'yung mga kaibigan ko, sila Chen... kahit sila na lang 'yung dahilan, I still have to keep going. Kahit na ang hirap-hirap na... kasi gusto ko na rin namang matapos 'to.

And putting an end to this means risking a lot. We have to risk a lot... kahit buhay namin. Because this life? This fucked up life... we can't offer this to Phoebe. Ano naman kung kaya naming bilhin lahat ng bagay na gusto namin, kung araw-araw gigising ka namang natatakot kung gigising ka pa ba, o baka nasa news ka na na may nakatanim na lang na bala sa utak mo.

Ang daming galit.

Ang daming kaaway.

Pati pamilya namin mismo kaaway namin.

They were all right... a happy person can always defeat someone who has everything.

Kasi hindi naman kami masaya. Maayos nga 'yung buhay... we have too much of it all... but we still can't buy peace, and happiness.