growing up •lil peep•

emma//4

wicca picked up his head and looked at me with a tear in his eye.

"wicca, i'm still in love with him." i caressed his cheek laying a kiss on his lips. "but, i'm willing to give this a try."

"i don't just wanna be your rebound. i wanna be the love of your life. i could treat you so much better. i wanna keep you forever." i never really felt anyway for wicca. he never talked about feelings and was really quite normally. i don't know if it's just my emotions or if i am realizing i do like wicca.

"wicca if i'm gonna be real with you... i'm so full of emotions. i don't know how to feel and if i want gus back right now or not..." i sighed laying my head back down onto the couch.

wicca stayed silent. i couldn't hear anything but the sound of rain on the windows. i felt wicca body shift as he moved away from me.

i felt the feeling of chrysalis hit me as any other feeling washed into the back of my mind. the rain was like the universe's tears. it rained every time gus and i broke up and that's how i knew we were meant to be... but now? maybe it's a sign we aren't meant to be.

"emma think about it, you and gus have dated for many years off and on and you never stay together. it was only two and a half months this time. couples that do that are toxic couples. i don't wanna do that. i wanna work through everything. i wanna give you my all and give you what gus couldn't." he looked down at the ground as if he had this planned out forever. hearing him talk about gus like that made my blood boil.

"you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. you just said how much you've been in love with me but insulted the thing i love most. what the fuck?" i stood up throwing my hands to the side.

"you know what? i can't do this. i can't do this right now wicca." i grabbed my jacket if the table and walked downstairs and straight out the door.

i just let my feet guide me. i walked for what seemed like forever but i looked up and i was at the foot of gus's house even though i know i shouldn't be.

i lifted my hand to knock but my hand froze inches before i could knock. that's where i collapsed into tears right there on his tiny side porch. the world slowly faded away as i felt my eye lids getting heavy.

***
i felt something kick my side and fly over me as i slowly slid down to the second step from the ground. i rolled down to the grass looking around. it was early morning and mama had tripped over me on her way out.

"emma! sweetheart! what in the world are you doing out here?!!" she bent down and sat beside me pulling out a wet wipe wiping the mascara off my face.

"gus and i broke up and i didn't know where to go." my stale morning eyes started to tear up again as she squeezed her tiny arms around me.

"emma... i had no idea! he came home and when straight to his room." she let my tears fall into her lap as she held me tightly.

"we got drunk and wicca said he loved me and i said i loved him but i didn't mean it like that! gus heard and skated away and then he yelled and called me a heartbreaking whore and i just want him to be happy and i don't even know mama!!" i rambled without stopping and mama listened.

"my boy said that?! first, you guys should not be drinking and second he has no idea what he's talking about! he didn't realize what you meant and it was a misunderstanding!" she assured me as she rubbed the back of my head.

"come on let's go talk to him." she pulled me up but i couldnt go inside a face the fear of getting rejected by the person whos acceptance meant the world to me. i would do anything to please him.

fortunately for me I didn't have to come in. unfortunately, he came out.

"what the hell are you doing here?" he harshly snapped as he stood on the step of his porch. he gave me eyes of despair and darkness. i couldnt look into them so i looked over to mama.

"gus honey... will you let her explain." she pleaded with him a little.

liza loved me like her own child and its always been that way since we met when we were 6. she told me when we were 13 she though gus and i would be together forever. when we were 15 she told me gus missed me every time we broke up so much he'd come in her room crying in the middle of the night and now that we are 16 shes for sure we are soulmates.

"what do you need to explain?? cheating?!" he threw his hands up stepping closer to me.

"its not like that. i never kissed wicca. i told him i loved him because i do! he's been our friend since 7th grade! i dont love him romanticly, sexually, or as my soulmate. i love him as a brother. i loe you as my soulmate. my better half. the man who makes me strong every day without trying! i love you gus!" i slurred my words through sobs. im not even sure if he knew what i meant.

"i love you too emma. i wanna be with you but i just cant... not after what i did to you. it would hurt you too much." he let tears stream down his face.

"nothing could ever make me love you any less, nothing could ever make me not keep loving you, and nothing could ever make my love for you stop expanding every day." i wiped my tears as i stepped closer.

"gus what did you do?" mama tilted her head like a lost puppy.

"i slept with miya..." he put his skateboard down and rode away down the street before i could even process what he said.

then, what hurt a little more was that miya stepped out of gus's house with my favorite shirt of his.

"that isnt coldy now is it?" mama wispered under her breath.