Only you

Ally

Ally
two years ago

Feeling the alcohol hit my system I felt alive , the music was pounding to the same Rhythm as my heartbeat was i twirled my head back and let the music
Consume me , feeling his arms wrap around me i leaned in closer he gently stroked my face , every nerve on my body was tingling I didn't know if it was the alcohol or just cause  I was with Brandon I didn't know I just wanted to keep this feeling going not caring just being alive and here in this moment I didn't want it to end
Twirling me around Brandon laughed and kissed my face
" told you it would be fun , did I mention how good you look tonight " he smirked flashing off his cute dimples
"'Mmm maybe once or twice " giggled back
His brown eyes glazed he pulled me
Tight
" I love you angel "he whispered
My heartbeat rose higher
Grabbing his face I kissed him with everything i
Had " I love you too " I smiled I didn't know how I was still dancing with the amount of alcohol we had consumed I wasn't quite sure how I was standing up Brandon eyes where hazy but he didn't seem as drunk as me he kept jerking his head about he seemed on edge
"You okay?" I asked grabbing at his face sweat beaded down his forehead his eyes looked hollow but the look
Was quickly replaced with his usual smile pulling me back in for a kiss it was more desperate I didn't question it , like a lot of things with Brandon I just went with the flow at his speed he consumed me he
Stacey and Courtney were laughing in the background , I needed this everything was fun with Brandon his way of life was to live each day as if we're his last ,he never took anything too serious I was only fifteen and he was seventeen we hadn't went far only kissing he was waiting I didn't know why I wanted him being around him made me crazy he understood me his life was just as shitty as mine
But he never let anyone see as far as everyone was concerned he was the life and soul of the party we grew up together Courtney josh Brandon and I were always together whilst Courtney lived the furthest away josh Brandon and I were practically neighbours it wasn't until this summer that Brandon had started showing interest I had felt like the luckiest girl in the world he. Wanted me I still couldn't believe it
Twirling me round again he kissed my lips
"I'm gonna get us a drink , be back in a second " he smiled
" okay I'll have a water my head is hurting already "
" Lightweight" he teased
Ryan was Brandon's  friend he was throwing the house parry I couldn't get in anywhere neither could Courtney it was the first big party we had been too I had been excited all night being proudly shown off as Brandon's girl
Walking over to Stacey and Courtney I couldn't keep the grin off my face
" Well thought you two weren't gonna come up for air " Stacey Laughed
" Someone gonna lose there V card " Courtney joined in
" no I am not I mean he won't " I huffed playing with angel winged  locket Brandon has surprised me with earlier today , I wanted him but he always took it slow never rushing us or even trying I was starting to wonder if it was me
" where is he now " Stacey asked
"I dunno he took off to get some more drinks , he'll be back in a minute I guesse" I sunk down on  Ryan's couch feeling disheartened
" Look Ryan's got a hundred rooms in this house your not wasted you've been dating now for like eight months
go find him and make a move " Stacey grinned
" what if he says no!" I was having a full on panic Afttack the rejection would be too much
Brandon wanted to wait longer

" Ally, I'm straight and if there's anyone who I would totally switch teams for it's you , he's not gonna say no"'Courtney hiccuped
The three of us burst out laughing
Feeling a sense of confidence come over me they were right brandon was the one I knew it why the hell were we waiting anyways
Courtney banged my hip
"'Oh oh look he's going to the bathroom go ahead make your move " she grinned again
" I'n the bathroom? I don't want to lose my virginity in Ryan's bathroom that's not how I imagined it " i shook my head
" No,just tell him tell him you want more if it's what you really want it is right?" Stacey questioned me
" Of course I love him I trust him he's the only person I could imagine being with that way " my face blushed pink
" how do I look?" I asked I felt sweaty and gross from dancing all night
" Here , let me fix your lipstick and your ready to go Stacey grabbed her purse pulling her emergency makeup bag with a quick touch up I was feeling more determined
" wish me luck " I
Winked
Courtney and Stacey cheered
Climbing Ryan's stairs I felt woozy my heart was racing I'd known Brandon my whole life I was
Scared and exited at the same time I knew I  wanted him to be my first
The bathroom door wasn't closed properly I opened it slowly my hand tremebled counting to three i decieded it was time to rip off the band aid and tell him I was  ready tell him now I loved him he was the one
I knew I it  swinging the bathroom door open my heart sunk
" ally?" Brandon looked like a dear caught between headlights
" what the fuck are you doing "  I asked even though I knew exactly what he was doing
" it's not what it looks like "
The three white line were  lined perfectly on the sink, I took in the sight of the tall red head he was with she snorted the cocaine rubbing her nose she walked past me
" sorry way too much drama for me" She Shoved last me
" who's she ?" I eyes roamed over the tall thin red head her hair was long and wavy she was so thin and elegant in that moment i felt worthless in my black jeans and black tank my confidence had gone why didn't he want me rage boiled inside of me everyone told me he was bad my dad hated him but we had something real he understood what it was like our homes where both hell holes he was my escape and like everything else in my life I was watching it crumble before my eyes
" your Doing this again! , I thought this was over look at you , you've been high all night and I haven't even realised god I'm stupid , I thought it was different this time I really did " walking past I shoved the two remaining white lines into the sink turning the tap on
" uh come on Allison !! What the fuck your blowing this way out of per potion " he shook his head
" the only blowing I see is the one your about to Fucking snort empty your pockets now" I deadpanned
" what are you my fucking mother ,
This was the side that I hated when Brandon's inner monster reared it's ugly head
" is this why you won't sleep
With me?? What you have to be high to touch me ,not like her !" My voice was on the edge of hysteria
" your being ridiculous ally it's not a big deal , and no she's just someone I do this with you don't get you never did" he shook his head looking angry with me, my heart ached I loved him and he was killing himself the chances I gave him over and over again life was was one big high to him
"How could you do this!" I pushed at his chest
" so what I'm not good enough for you to fuck me but she is! What do I have to do snort a line with you " I could feel tears burning my eyes but I refused to let them fall
" ally , please I need to get myself straight just let me fix this and we can talk about it tomorrow " he pulled away from me as if we were talking about choosing a movie how couldn't he see it
"Im done with this " my shoulders
Sagged , I reached the handle before he pulled me towards
Him
"You just don't get it , the first hit you can't beat it I want you Ally more than anything , you trust me don't you ??
" come on try it with me , I know you'll like it then you'll get it come on baby" he pulled me closer he put his hand on my chest
" see this is mine and mines is yours"he grabbed my hand putting it to his heart
" come on baby tell me you don't wanna get lost for a little while , we get each other we're bound to be screw ups fuck what the world thinks let just get lost for a while I promise it will make you feel good he started kissing my neck "' I stood there shocked as he stopped kissing me and stared cutting up another line with his credit card i wanted to look away but I didn't I watched as he snorted it his eyes glazed
Over he rubbed his nose pulling me to him again
"Come on baby " he gestured to the sink , his lips found my neck again moaning his arms roamed down my body ,is this what it took for him to be high to touch me ?
Bile rose in my throat this was someone who loved me who I had gave my whole heart to and i wanted  to give him more of me and he wanted me to get high with him
" you want me to take drugs with you but you wont have sex with me what are you tucking crazy!" I screamed leaning into is pockets i grabbed the bag of white powder and found another with white tablets too
"Ah two for one aren't we doing good tonight " I laughed grabbing the two little bags and dangling them in front of him
" Don't touch my fucking shit"! Brandon roared he grabbed for my hands before I emptied the bags down the toilet and flushed them
" what the fuck ally!" He grabbed at my arm trying to stop but the damage was done he threw me across the bathroom my head hitn Ryan's bathroom cabinet a searing pain shot through my head I felt something hot trickle down my face and my neck
" oh god baby I ,fuck I didn't mean to I would never " Brandon was pacing back and forth his eyes were like saucers in that moment I was scared of him
I touched my head and saw it was blood pulling myself up I knew I had to do it I loved him but I couldn't do this anymore
"you wanna go Kill yourself with all that shit then fine just dont ask me to be apart of it , we're
Done Brandon we've tried and tried but this , its toxic your toxic" I barged my way past him before he grabbed me and slammed me into the bathroom wall
"NO" he roared
"No no your not doing this , see I can be better I'll stop it all please please , he was gripping my shoulders so hard they were turning red
"Brandon" i cried out
"please your hurting me " I pushed at his chest as hard as I could but he wouldn't move
" LET ME GO "' i screamed
"No you can't leave me!" Shoving the bathroom door closed he punched the glass cabinet I sunk down to the floor lying in the glass ,blood and pain and destruction That was us he was frantic
"Go ahead sniff some more shit! Pop some more pills go ahead ruin your life but your not dragging me
Down with you " my heart was pumping so hard sweat beaded at my forehead
"You think your better than me!" He roared again
He was wrecking through Ryan's cabinet till he found a  Antique looking cocaine silver s box with spoon again he lined some on the sink he took the spoon and sniffed
Grabbing my head he pulled me down to the line he had just put down
"You think your too good Ally , huh! Take it fucking take it!!!!!
The shards of glass where everywhere on the ground glancing around he he picked the shard up and held it against my throat I screamed for help
This was always the case it was like dr Jeckle and mr Hyde once he did this ,drugs took over Brandon was gone
I heard someone banging on the door asking if I was Okay it broke Brandon's grip on me
I managed to wrestle free my heart
Was pounding I backed away slowly
" your pathetic " i spat out
He slapped me , I gasped with shock as soon as he knew what he had done he sunk to the bathroom floor crying
"Please ally I need you , I can't do it on your the only one  good pure thing in my life you should leave me I'm fucked ally I am I can't kick it but you your my life I need you  if I don't have you my life isn't worth living if you leave me then I don't now what I'll do" his eyes were
Red his face pleading with me he took his long sleeve shirt off and held it to , trying to stop the bleeding my neck neck hurt so bad more
Blood trickled down me he was standing there in his white vest he was so beautiful yet so broken  it was like someone had thrown a bucket of ice  cold water Over me and I had finally woken up he looked like shit his clothes were barely fitting him how Hadn't I noticed it he pulled at his hair his arms flopping forward that's when I saw it I had ignored it all night too caught
Up in the romance the necklace the flowers the kisses he was on edge sweating short tempered i deep down I knew he was taking other stuff I used my love for him to block out the pain I was watching someone I love destroy themselves he had tack marks I grabbed at his arm
"What this " I came out as a whisper I traced
My arm over the bruises at his vein tears spilled down from my face
"Ally ..l love ..
" Don't you dare " i pushed away from him
" you wanna kill yourself fo go ahead don't ask me to watch " i pushed myself out his grasp
"Please without you i won't survive I'll die I'll kill myself " tears slipped down his beautiful broken face
"Looks like your doing a pretty good job of that in your own , go ahead !!! Do it ! shoot up im out " I cried
I walked Straight our Ryan's door it wasn't far from where I lived I bumped into one of his friends I'd don't know who he was his dark  green eyes were mesmerising it  stopped me
" you okay?" He asked slowly touching my cheek
Ducking my head lower I muttered fine and began sprinting home
Everything felt numb i was closer to my house I saw it and collapsed on the grass my head was spinning tears rolled down my face my phone kept buzzing and buzzing looking at the caller ID it was Brandon I shut my phone off pulling my knees to my chest I don't know how long I sat on the grass for I smoked cigarette after cigarette letting the smoke burn my lungs the cold night breeze nipped st my skin but I didn't care I felt numb inside everything I loved or had turned to shit , my mother was right I did this to people maybe I was the evil one , I still had Brandon's shirt I looked at it there
Was more blood coming down my face I knew I should probably call Courtney or Sarah get them to help me but i couldn't , I wanted to hurt I didn't care anymore
I lay back down on the grass , my eyes burned from each tear felt like a  knife slicing my face , my eyes were that raw , Brandon's face kept flashing in my mind his brown eyes were red his brown hair was ruffled his beautiful tanned skin , how did I not notice maybe I did and I just didn't care he was my escape

Peeling myself up from the grass I unlocked my front door and went straight to bed my mom and dad wasn't back no suprise
I slipped out my jeans and top and picked out one of Brandon's red t shirts it was massive and smelled like him I Clung to it breathing him as if he were there ,I lay on top of my bed more tears came as my body shook he hit me , Brandon would never do that it was the drugs maybe I could
Save him my head was
Spinning I sat in the dark for hours I cried till I finally drifted off to sleep

I don't know how long it had been before josh appeared over me
" what the hell!" I screamed
" how did you get in?"
" Ally! Where the fuck have you been I've tried calling you and calling you " his eyes were red his face was etched with pain
I just sat there staring at
Him
I knew what he was gonna say but I still wansnt mentally prepared to hear it
I pulled myself off the bed glancing at the clock it was 6:30 am
"' I wanted to get here as soon as I could before you heard from
Someone else I don't I can't ,He's gone ally , " josh voice  broke on a sob
In that Moment everything went still josh was speaking but I couldn't hear him he touched my head I saw
The blood on his hands but still I heard nothing I didn't even cry My heart , felt like someone had went reached inside and ripped it apart
This was my fault
I told him to do it
My legs sunk to the floor I heard josh call out my name before everything went black