How I Heal

twenty two

I wanted to believe Harry was okay.

I wanted to believe that Harry was in fact, doing what he does best, which is act out. Make people feel for him. Gain attention from something then pretend he didn't want it. But, something told me that this time, maybe that wasn't the case.

When I went back to the cabin, the only thing that indicated that life was there at all, were the mud marks our shoes made the last time we had visited.

Walking out there was a lot easier the second time around, but being greeted with nothing but a gentle wind, the occasional silence and the hum of passing birds was not putting me in that usual peaceful state of mind.

It was such a disheartening feeling finding out that Harry wasn't there.

The disappointment was enough to drive me home almost as soon as I had found out.

When I did eventually get home, I couldn't even greet my parents, all I could do was kick my shoes off at the doorway and run up to my bedroom.

I then closed the door in such a haste, I almost broke it. I couldn't even feel bad about it as I sank to the floor, my head in my hands and my gaze at the floor.

I stared at it for what felt like hours.

Nothing seemed to make sense.

I tried to come up with something, I tried to think of anything someone could have said, or told him, or even something I could have done that possibly chased him away, but I couldn't think of anything. There seemed to be no explanation for any of it, none that I could think of anyway.

Even as night fell and I wrapped up in bed, everything around me felt uncomfortable and wrong.

I couldn't sleep. My mind was a mess. Everything felt a mess. Harry had been crumbling alone.

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Call me hopeful, but I honestly thought that with a new day appearing, Harry would have made an appearance as well.

I thought he would have shown up at school the next day, a comical smile plastered on his face like nothing happened, as he thread his lengthy fingers through his soft chocolate hair and laughed at me for being worried about his stupid departure.

I thought he'd be there with that mocking grin, that evil smirk- In fact, I was so desperate for his return, I would have been more than ecstatic to see that scowl I normally resented.

I guess you could say I was feeling a classic case of not knowing what you have until it's gone.

My entire day without him, felt angry. Everything seemed to bother me more than it usually did. My classmates spoke too loudly in the cafeteria. My math teacher was repetitive and annoyingly so, and Henrietta was constantly making jokes about things I did not find funny.

Henry had been spending so much time with Kourtney at lunch, that he barely had time to stop by, so seeing him became just a rarity.

Each time Liam and I made eye contact, his expression would tell me he was still as lost and confused as I was, and each time his expression told me his truth, I'd sink lower in my seat.
Each time, I looked up at the front, there was no Harry to fill the desk, so my classes went by in a monotone and I drifted off in my state of worry.

As the days events swept by, my mind started feeling more and more like the sky. Sometimes cloudy, sometimes full of nothings. The only difference between the sky and me would seem it was never without the sun or moon, but my reality was ultimately empty. There was no angry Harry with his thunder eyes to control my elements, which meant there was no rain in my series of events. There was only sun, and only God knew how much I'd give the sun back if it meant a little more drizzle and a lot less pain.