How I Heal

seventeen

I lied.

There was no 'safe place' I could take Harry.

The worst part about driving around aimlessly was that after a while he could tell I didn't know where I was going and he eventually asked "Where are we?"

Of course I couldn't give him much of an answer considering that I didn't actually have any where to go, but the rain was gradually starting to turn into a small drizzle.

"The rain is clearing up now," I muttered, ignoring his question.

He realized that I ignored his plea but said nothing as his fingers pulled at the bands on his hands.

"Hey would you like to hear some music," I suggested, trying to cut the tension that hung in the air.

I reached over to turn on the radio but his gruff voice said, "I'd rather not."

I pulled back, my expression falling. "Oh, alright."

After a few seconds I said, "Well would you like to talk about something? Anything on your mind perhaps?"

"What is this? 21 questions?"

His tone had a small trace of harshness.

"Do you like anything Harry," I quipped.

"Smoking," was his only reply, and it was a long while after before he whispered, "and my mother."

I tensed at the mention of his mother.

Harry had never brought up his parents or his upbringing or even anything relating to him before now. I guess I just assumed they weren't phenomenal since Harry had such a strong hatred towards home.

"Your mom?" I wondered out loud. I knew I had to thread lightly.

"If this is your bleak attempt at getting me to open up to you or have a conversation about why I hate going home, it's not happening."

Harry's tone didn't carry its usual snarky or sarcastic undertone, if anything he sounded more uncomfortable than upset.

"Sorry," was the only thing I said, before he sighed.

"Don't apologize," he said. "It's just not something worth talking about."

When I didn't reply, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes.

"Do not smoke that in my car," I told him, my tone gentle but serious.

He gave me a once over before pulling out his lighter, "I think we both know by now that you shouldn't try to dictate my life choices."

"Harry." I said, a bit harsher. "I'm serious, don't smoke that in here."

When he made no move to stop himself yet again, I reached over and grabbed the pack.

"Violet, what the hell," he grit his teeth. "Give those back right now."

"Nope," I singsonged. I switched the hand I originally used to grab the pack and put it into my other, pushing it through the window.

"NO!" Harry yelled, his hands reaching over to me.

"Harry, chill the HELL out before you make me crash this damn car," I yelled back, causing him to readjust himself into the seat.

He folded his arms and looked out the window stubbornly.

"Why are you so addicted to these little things?" I asked him, genuinely concerned.

He sulked into his seat, a small sigh leaving his lips.

"You don't get it at all," he spoke. His voice was low again. "Of course it looks plain ridiculous that I have this stupid habit. And that's really what it is to you, a stupid habit."

He went on. "If I could fucking stop myself I would okay. I literally would kill to be able to fix my problems without a smoke."

His hands were shaking now as he ran them through his hair. "I can't not be without them. They're- they're the only thing keeping me sane."

"I don't have anybody to tell my problems to. I need a safe haven Violet," he huffed before saying. "I-I need something."

His entirety was shaking now, but not like someone who was cold. He was shaking like someone who was nervous and couldn't help themselves.

He was willing himself not to look at me. Even though he would never say it, I could tell that he was ashamed.

I pulled my hand inside, handing him the pack of cigarettes.

"I didn't know," I told him, swallowing. "I didn't mean to take away your safe haven like that."

My focus never left the road again, and we both said nothing as I drove.

"You can take me home now," he told me after a bit of uncomfortable silence.

"Alright," I lowly caved in, listening intently to his directions.

xxxxxx

After I took Harry home, I quickly drove myself home.

Unfortunately for me, cars still run on gas, and driving around for at least on hour really makes what little you have dwindle.

As I parked my car, and entered my house, I noticed that my parents weren't there to greet me as usual.

I walked into the kitchen, the place still weirdly quiet and saw nothing but a piece of paper on the table.

I took it up.

Dinner's in the microwave sweetie.
We had to run for a bit.
Will be back later tonight.

- m&d

I sighed, holding my head in my hands.

The time when I felt like I could use a hug from either one of them, neither were present.

I urged myself not to think about it, entering my room and dropping my bag on the floor.

It was only in that brief moment of silence, held back emotions and nothing around me, I understood what it felt like to be truly alone.

________

Hiiiii. Tysm for reading my book so far. And TYSM for 1 k reads! That was pretty fast guys :) aha.

I love all of you so much. Thank you reading my average-at-best writing. Ily.

-M x