How I Heal

#7

TW: may be triggering for cutters or otherwise. suicide mention.

I recommend the music while you read :D

xxx

As soon as we got out there, he stopped, turned to face me and took something out of his pocket.

He took the cigarettes he hadn't given me yet and threw them at the ground, stomping on them harshly before throwing the rest of the pack on the ground.

"I don't fucking need cigarettes anymore okay. I officially quit."

He reached into his back pocket, taking something that I couldn't see from my angle before he started rubbing at his wrists and arms.

Whatever it was, it was brightening the scars on his hands, and it was one of the most devastating things I've ever had the displeasure of seeing.

"Do you see that?" He asked, and I turned my face away before he pulled it towards his again bringing the scars right into my field of vision.

"Do you see it violet." He said, his voice far from cold but nowhere near delightful. "Look at it."

I tried not to fall apart as I lightly said, "Yes."

"Good." He said, holding onto the hem of his shirt before throwing it over his head.

Beneath them revealed an undershirt and the same marks, some worse than others, going all the way up to his collarbones.

"My brother did this to me." He started. "When I just started high school, my brother got arrested for drug possession. It didn't come as a shock to me because I always knew he was dealing, just didn't think he'd get caught so soon. He barely served a year in prison before he came back out. He was never the same since then."

"He beat me every. single. day. His mere presence was torture. He made me regret waking up in the morning."

He took a single cigarette from the ground before saying "you see this? You see all that shit I told you about 'smoking calms me down.' He put the first one to my lips."

"No," I shook my head, my eyes threatening to water.

"Yes." He spoke. "Even before he forced me to get addicted to this, I was constantly surrounded by secondhand smoke. He got me into it at such a young age that I never had the chance to want to stop. He never gave me that option."

"My parents don't even know any of this has been going on," he added. "They've been so busy doing everything but taking care of me they can't even realize their own son is trying to do anything but."

He started grabbing at his face.

"I hope he gets to me before the cancer does," Harry stated laughing humorlessly, his eyes glossy. "Maybe at least that way I can go out like a man."

"Harry dont-"

"Don't what?" He said. "Violet I love you. I really do. But I can't wake up and pretend that is everything is gonna be okay because it won't be. Fuck the addiction and the football team and my brother and whoever else. I can't magically make myself better. And no amount of love can fix that."

He started breaking down, the tears streaming down his face so rapidly that I almost fell apart all over again.

"I'm scared okay" He choked out, his voice faltering. "Im fucking terrified that I'll never be enough. For my family. For myself. For you."

I wanted to tell him how wrong he was. I wanted to wipe the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. I wanted to trace his features with my thumb and carry the pieces of himself that he felt he couldn't handle on his own if he'd let me. I wanted to hold him until he healed, or at least until his heart didn't have such a gaping hole.

I wanted to tell him he was enough.

"Your parents will never approve of me," he harshly laughed, his breathing becoming audible. Everything seemed to crashing within him all at once.

"Harry," I gently spoke, trying to calm him down.

"I'm a joke," he spat, his voice laced with emotion. "It's unbelievably sad how I'm literally nothing anybody wants. I'm like an ocean that has no waves. No current. There's just nothing here for me. I'll die soon but the worst part about dying, is that I'll never be able to find out what made my heart smile. I'll never be able to do the things I want because of where my life stopped. I never got a prom, or a dog or a summer night on hilltops, while I something stupid stuff with my dumbass friends who I'll be too stoned to remember. I'll never get married, or have 4 children who all want to audition for the school choir. I'll never know what our life was gonna be like. Because the harsh reality is; I'm not going to make it."

I felt my eyes sting with tears as I shook my head slowly, trying to reach out to him. "No Harry please don't talk like that-"

"But it's true," he deadpanned. "It's all true. I have stage four lung cancer. I'm scared my life is gonna be taken from me. I'm scared, I'll be forced to take my life before the cancer does but you know what terrifies me the fucking most Violet?"

I shook my head, trying to sound him out. I couldn't listen to him talk about this, it was shattering my heart bit by bit.

He gripped my hands pulling me closer to him.

"Look at me," he commanded.

I shook my head, the warm tears flooding down my cheeks as I refused his command.

"Vi," he spoke, his tone low and gentle as his voice fell. "Look at me."

I did, but no amount of eye contact could have conditioned me for what he was about to say next.

"I'm scared that this is gonna damage your entirety a lot more than it does mine."

I could see his eyes glaze, and tears roll out as his grip on my wrists slowly loosened, but I didn't want him to let me go.

"No," I said, my voice cracking underneath the pressure. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare talk like that and then let me go."

I took a deep breath, our bodies so far apart yet so close. I could practically hear his heartbeat.

"I don't know what will happen when you're gone," I spoke up. "I don't even know if you'll leave. I want to believe that you'll live forever. I know time isn't subject to my plans, and just like how I can't stop the stars from shining no matter how much your eyes sparkle, I can't change what comes with time."

I took a shaky breath as I went on.

"But you can't..." my voice broke. I couldn't do it. I couldn't take anymore.

I just enveloped him.

I had nothing left to say.

Harry welcomed me with open arms, his grip on me tightening with each passing second. This hug wasn't anything like we had ever had.

This one felt an awful lot like goodbye.

"I hate this," Harry huffed, and I could hear the tears in his voice as he willed himself to stay strong. "I've spent my entire life waiting on someone to make me feel alive. And the minute I found her, I won't even be alive."

"Nothing can take me away from you," I whispered. "Not pain. Not death. Nothing."

He pulled away from me very slightly so that he could get a better angle of my face. He looked down at me, his eyes hurting but still so full of love, and I felt my breathing hitch.

"What is it," he asked, his face concerned and nervous.

"Come meet my parents, tomorrow, at dinner," I blurted out, not thinking.

His eyebrows raised in shock as his grip around my waist got looser.

"Are you sure?" He mumbled.

"Yes Harry," I told him. "I couldn't be anymore sure than I am right now. We can't wait anymore."