How I Heal

#1

Loving Harry was a lot like staying afloat.

The light feeling.

The numbness.

The random occurrences where your breathing stops, and you disconnect from the real world realizing there is no greater feeling, than being at peace.

Leaving Harry was a lot like drowning.

The chest restraint.

The struggle.

The feeling of knowing that you weren't going to be able to save yourself.

I felt the warm tears stream down my cheeks, my expression completely shattered at the prospect of what had happened.

I could no longer be strong.

I kneeled, completely broken, unable to make any movements. The circulation in my fingers was discontinuing as I continuously gripped the hem of my dress.

My head bowed, the tears rolling down my cheeks falling on the ground almost dramatically.

"Come back to me," I whispered, my voice faltering.

Harry couldn't be dead.

There was so much we never got to do.

So much I felt like I never told him.

He was taken too early. I couldn't even fathom having my entire life ripped away at 19 like that, yet he had.

What hurt the most about Harry's death was the fact that it could have been avoided.

Harry was scared the cancer was going to kill him, and it never did.

My mind ran on the officers words, no matter how much I tried to force them out.

"There was a boy and a girl in the car that hit him. We are being told this was an accident. We received intel that the girl behind the wheel was on a combination of heroine and sleeping pills. Everyone's in critical condition, but they're lucky they even got out alive at all. Especially the boy in the car with him."

Alive, I broke down. Harry wasn't so lucky.

I looked down at the cigarette in my hand, never feeling so disgusted in my entire life.

"I don't fucking need cigarettes anymore okay. I officially quit."

Harry's voice rang in my ears.

"No," I grunted, my hands balling into fists. I couldn't listen to his voice right now, I felt senile.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"You're so fucking considerate Violet."

"When you're here, I don't wanna smoke."

"What the hell are you doing to me."

"Tell me you'll never leave."

"Just don't let me down, Vi."

"I thought the only thing you could get high on was a cigarette."

"I love you though."

I balled my fist, smashing them into the ground at every sentence.

As if me doing this would force the earth to give him back. As if my anger would change the circumstances.

"I." My voice was lost. "I need you H."

I voiced everything my mouth would say, holding nothing back.

"I want you here with me. I need you here with me. You weren't supposed to go out like this. Not at 18, not now." My voice broke. "I love you Harry. So so much. You can't leave me here. This wasn't supposed to be our ending."

I was full on breaking down.

I cried so loudly, I'm sure anybody just passing by would mark me crazy.

I could care less if they did. I wanted Harry back.

What do I do now H? I wondered. How am I supposed to heal without you?

I lay there for a while.

I let every emotion pour out of me like rain.

I stopped.

I inhaled.

I exhaled.

I wiped at my eyes,

and used the back of my wrist to wipe at my nose.

I looked up for the first time since my arrival.

My eyes blurred before connecting with the engraved stone above the ground.

Here lies, Harry Edward Styles.

My eyes tumbled over the words written on the tombstone, many of them appearing insignificant to me in that very moment, before stopping on one specific line.

I traced my fingers over it. Written in curly letters, right at the lower right, the words "Treat people with kindness" lay.

I felt my heart break.

I felt myself forget how to breathe all over again.

I bowed my head, forcing myself to inhale.

"Stop crying," I whispered to myself. "He's where he can't feel pain anymore."

That should have made it easier. It was supposed to give me a sense of fulfillment, knowing he was probably in indescribable pain and now he was where that pain would end. I was supposed to come to terms with the fact that nothing could hurt him anymore.

Yet I couldn't. I was selfish but I could admit it.

I said it once and I meant it. I couldn't see my life without him in it, and I didn't want to.

I felt my reality cease as I tried to reach for someone who could no longer hold my hand.

The last thing he said to me must have hurt the most.

I love you too Violet. Thank you for rescuing me.

I still couldn't believe it.

Life was so unfair.

Everything was so fucking unfair.

"This is it Harry," I whispered touching the tombstone. "I think I finally know, exactly, what it feels like to drown."