How I Heal

#4

There's something heartbreaking about seeing the boy you love in a hospital bed.

I didn't know how to feel.

As soon as I got to the hospital, I asked to go up and see him.

At that point the nurses must have been so used to my presence there, that it almost seemed like nothing. I was brought up there and I rushed inside, my lungs still unable to catch a solid breath. I wasn't complaining though. I just wanted to see Harry.

"He's asleep," the female voice behind me rang. The same one that was on the phone.

I turned to see a woman that had hair similar to Harry's. Dark, full and often swept to the side.

"I'm Harry's mother," she told me, giving me a small smile. "Harry asked me to call you. I'm sorry if he frightened you."

I sighed in relief for the second time.

"Well I'm fine," I reassured her. "I just worry about him sometimes. It's nice to meet you."

She curtly smiled making no move to outstretch a hand or offer a hug. No wonder Harry was so emotionally held back. I doubt his parents actually dealt with him in an affectionate manner.

"So what's wrong with him?" I asked, rubbing my arm nervously.

"He was throwing up today. The doctor said it may have been an allergic reaction to something. Nothing's confirmed, they're waiting on him to wake up before they run any tests."

She held her temple as she said, "he's been slipping in and out of consciousness all day today. I'm worried about him."

I looked at him, his mouth slightly open and his skin looking paler than I was used to.

"I'm sure he'll be okay," I told her, meaning it genuinely. "Harry always is."

She looked at me with a pain in her features, something that I had grown accustomed to, post diagnosis of Harry's illness, before she folded her arms over her chest. She appeared slightly more reserved as she said, "I'm not sure if he told you but he hasn't been taking any form of chemotherapy."

I looked at her immediately, surprised at the words coming out of her mouth.

"What?" I blankly said.

How was that possible?

"He said he never wanted it," she responded. "The doctors told him that it would expand the longevity of his life but he just kept refusing. He said he already knows he's going to die and he didn't want to give himself any form of false hope."

"Did you try to change his mind?" I asked her, unable to calm the multiple thoughts running through my mind. "Harry told me that the doctors said that he would be fine. How is that possible?"

"Harry lied," she interrupted. "Harry has been terminal since the day he found out he had cancer, and he always knew."

I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. I couldn't help but wonder if she was really that nonchalant about her son possibly dying. I just knew she didn't even attempt to convince him to start the treatment because of her attitude. She probably didn't even care what became of him.

"Harry isn't going to die," I said.

She said nothing and I didn't need her to.

Although I had no idea any of this was going on, that didn't change my outlook on everything. Harry was going to conquer the cancer and grow up and be normal. I knew he was. Absolutely nothing could change my mind.

Besides he couldn't die. Just on the sole basis that I loved him. My love for him was enough to make sure he'd live for as long as he was supposed to. And I know for a fact that his cut off point wasn't before age 20.

"Excuse me," She said, stepping out of the room. I watched her grab her things on the way out and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach told me that she wasn't coming back.

I couldn't believe her.

I turned back to Harry, eyeing him as I walked to the soft felt seat that was placed to the right of his bed.

I gently sat down, too afraid to touch him, desiring it, more than breathing, yet scared that if I even attempted to, he'd fall apart between my fingertips.

"I don't care what anyone says," I said in blatant denial. "You're gonna be okay H. I know it."

I watched him, his entirety unmoving. He didn't even seem to be breathing.

For a minute, a flash came over so me so quickly, a thought I knew I'd regret almost as soon as it happened, but I still wondered anyway. 

I momentarily wondered what it would be like to live in a world without him in it.

I shook my head, not even wanting to think about it.

That was just something I knew I never wanted to find out.