How I Heal

#17

AN. Hey guys, I'd like to thank you for over 25k reads, and over 1K votes. You guys make me a better me everyday. Love always.

Back to Violets POV

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One of life's many questions is "What happens now?"

After a traumatic event, an achievement of your greatest goal, or even after you've made the biggest mistake, the golden question that usually follows, is "Well. What is it then? What are you gonna do?"

I knew this question was coming, but if you asked me how to respond, I probably would have remained silent.

I looked over at my best friend, his hand intertwined with his girlfriend's and they both stared at me with eyes of expectancy.

They couldn't possibly expect me to answer that, did they?

I can't even answer that for my own sake.

Admittedly, I thought I had started getting through to Harry. I suspected for once in my life that he was finally giving me an avenue to understand his point of view, what made him tick, why he claimed I gave him the urges of a cigarette, but of course that didn't matter now. None of that mattered. I was back to square one the second it started.

Today was one of the days Harry was actually present and participating, and it was one of those days I wish he would have just stayed out of my space.

The emotions I felt were not those of anger, but of pain.

I didn't understand why he wanted me out of his life the way he did.

He worked so hard to push and fight, that I had no choice but to respect his decision, but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

He was practically going out of his way not to see me and I just didn't understand what for.

"I guess I don't talk to him anymore," I halfheartedly replied, giving him a close mouthed grin.

If Henry could see right through it, he made no indication that he could have, because just a mere second after that, he turned back to his girlfriend and asked her a question.

I sulked, exhaling lightly before looking at my food.

"There's a party on Saturday night," Kai muttered.

She was speaking rather loudly but it was obvious her words weren't directed at me.

I listened anyway.

"Yeah I'm not much of a party person myself," Henry declined. "You go ahead without me. Have fun."

I swallowed my urge to tell him that wasn't a good idea, but his girlfriend beat me to it.

"Cmon Henry don't be boring," she rolled her eyes playfully. "I can't go without you. You know that."

I sighed turning my head away to see if something else could secure my attention.

"Well, if you insist," he blushed, looking away from her.

Why was he blushing? She barely said anything to him....

Is that what affection is?

I guess I should be glad I opted out sooner than later.

My thoughts were quickly proven wrong, as my eyes trailed off in the distance, almost automatically looking over at Liam's table.

I knew I should have just looked away, but I couldn't.

Harry was there.

He was wearing a deep blue sweatshirt, and had his chocolate curls lowered at his shoulders. He was eating and smiling, and I couldn't help but wonder how he masked everything so well.

Perhaps it wasn't a mask at all.

I couldn't help but wonder if I was overreacting.

Everybody else seemed to be happy, progressing and moving on with their lives. Why did I have to feel stuck in a rut because someone didn't reciprocate my feelings?

I shook my head, taking my fork up and deciding that I was going to try and move past this.

It was the only way I could survive seeing him without shattering.

It should have been easy. It should have been.

But a lot of things should have been one way too. Like for instance, it should have been me and Harry.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Eye contact.

We had been sitting in class for at least 20 minutes and Harry had made no form of it.

I couldn't tell if he was avoiding me because of something beyond my mind's comprehension but what I could tell you, was that I didn't like it. Not one bit.

I could only focus on the teacher's voice so long before I realized the situation was never going to remedy itself.

I was still determined to follow through with his request, if he wanted distance I couldn't deprive him of what he wanted, it was just strange how I had started to grow so accustomed to his company, that being without it felt like a piece of myself had been missing.

It was like a puzzle piece I never knew I needed because I had to cut my other pieces, to include him into my picture.

I inhaled and exhaled.

I didn't know what more to think and feel in that moment.

<><>

When the class ended, I made slow movements to gather my supplies.

I wasn't in much of a hurry. It wasn't like I had anything doing or anybody to see, I still hadn't managed to sort out things with Henrietta and third wheeling tends to be worse than isolation, so I'd prefer to be alone.

My solitude was soon shattered when I was met with a familiar hand with a single ring and I didn't have to look up to know who owned them.

I couldn't think fast enough for his movements.

Sometimes there's so much to say until there isn't anything that can be said.

I made no indication to speak first, and neither did he.

There were zero words exchanged, only a cigarette produced, and dropped onto the table, and Harry didn't even look at me once, before he turned away and marched out of the room.

I slowly reached for it, eyeing it, with a huff, wondering if it had been previously lit.

It must have been. That was the only logical explanation I could come up with, as to why my fingers burned when I held it.

That or I couldn't accept that he was doing well without me. Who knows.

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Harry is so extra, can he like idk chill out.