How I Heal

#12

I don't think there's anything in the world scarier than uncertainty.

The thought of 'you never know',
the thought of life hitting you from every possible direction, (doing whatever the hell it wants) and you really don't have the choice to say yes or no.

You just have to call it what you want.

Certainities-

1. I was certainly addicted to Harry's entirety.

Lately I'd been doing everything with him. Leaving school at random times. Picking sunflowers, sitting in random grassy areas, coming back to the log cabin just for us to talk until he fell asleep.

In those hours I would catch myself having all the 'love sick' symptoms, blushing, smiling, missing him when he was right beside me, always, always wanting him there.

2. I was certainly confident that he would get better. Aside from the asthma attacks he would sometimes suffer from, he'd always bounce back stronger. There seemed to be nothing that he couldn't do.

3. At this very moment, if there was nothing else I was certain of, it was that I had to treasure all the time we spent together.

I was being taught that no matter how 'certain' I was, anything could still happen.

I felt a warm hand envelope my frame, pulling me closer dragging me out of my thought process.

"You know, when we met, if somebody told me you'd be THIS big of a cuddler, I would have backed out a long time ago," I joked.

"Let's go somewhere," Harry suddenly said.

He leaned up quickly as if he had an idea.

"Where?" I wandered, leaning up also.

"I don't know, I want adventures Violet. I feel like I've been living in the same monotonous drone of a life, barely doing anything that matters."

I quirked an eyebrow, giving a half smile. "Whatever happened to not wanting to have plans?"

Harry raised a finger. "I never said I didn't want to have plans, I just said I didn't think that far ahead yet."

He paused for a second before saying, "but now I have."

I gave him an exasperated expression, wanting to, wanting to with everything in me, but also knowing better.

"Harry I can't risk anything going wrong," I told him. "What if something happens to you?"

"That sentence starts with 'what if' for a reason," he interjected. "And anyway I'm sure I'd prefer to die doing something I love with someone I care about rather than closing my eyes one day and not being able to wake up."

"Please don't talk like that," I begged.

"Violet, you have to trust me," he told me, his eyes pleading with me to say yes. "You said it yourself that I was improving. Don't you want to see me enjoy my life a bit? Aren't you tired of me being sad everyday?"

"Yeah but where would we go?"

"We'd figure it out."

"What would we do?"

"That would be up to us."

"Where would money come from? What would you tell your parents? We can't just go missing like that, everyone would be worried."

"Listen," he halted me. "I know you want to look at this from the most rational perspective because you're a perfectionist with a lot of overthinking habits, but I'm here to tell you that as long as I can look into your eyes and hold you close to me, nothing in this life will ever matter. Send a text to your parents if you want. Tell your friends you'll be sick for a while so you can't come to school. Take any money you have with you and I'll figure everything out. I'll make this work for you Vi, for us."

"I still don't know," I swallowed, looking at my palms.

"I have a list," Harry piped up, taking a piece of paper from his back pocket. "Here, you can look at it and decide where we should go first."

I eyed him and his face was practically screaming at me to say yes, so I gave in, taking the paper from his grasp.

"This is...." I trailed off trying to find the right word. "You don't really expect us to do all of this do you?"

"Well I mean, I was hoping that...." he began to say. "Well uh I mean, never mind it. These were probably dumb ideas anyway."

"Here you go," he added, rolling a cigarette on the bed beside me.

The disheartened way he said those words made me realize that I had to  give it a go.

If not for myself, for him.

He really wanted this. Who was I to tell him no?

"Well, you know what they say," I mumbled, holding the paper out and squinting my eyes dramatically. "You never know until you try."