How I fell in love with Ian Gallagher

How I hurt Ian Gallagher for the first time

It wasn't Ian's fault.
Of course, he couldn't just watch it... I couldn't have watched it if it were reverse.
I would've done everything to stop it from happening, I would've tried at least!
But I couldn't ask that of Ian.
I would never ask that of Ian.
I wouldn't want Ian to put himself at risk like that.

I walked around the living room, not knowing what to do with myself.
My mind was constantly on Ian.
I was so stupid, being mad at him. The thought of him being hurt by my dad made breathing harder.
Maybe it was better if he just stayed away.

Yeah, it was better if he just stayed away from me.
I wasn't good for him, not good enough and not good in any other way.
He needed guys like this Ned or anyone who wasn't such a fucking coward like me. Anyone who didn't had such a fucking family like me. He needed someone he could be with without fearing to be beaten up. He needed to be with someone, who would never let him be hurt.

"Mickey."
I froze mid-step.
My dad's voice inflicted panic deep in my gut.
I faced him without really looking at him.

I saw someone standing next to him, a woman.
I stared from her to my dad and back, feeling the fear creeping up my spine again.
Was I sleeping again? Nightmares are for little fucking girls, bitch, snap out of it!

"You remember Svetlana?"
Svetlana? I didn't know her name before.
He didn't tell me her name before; my mind couldn't randomly come up with a name - I was fucking living my nightmares.

"Sit."
I swallowed and sat down on the couch.
Dad and Svetlana walked over.
"I tell you the situation here, kid. Svetlana is knocked up."

I bit my bottom lip.
Why would that be my fucking problem? Get an abortion and stop bothering me. I wish I wouldn't have come back from my building today.
"By you", Dad kept talking.

I stared at him.
Yeah, right. A random whore is pregnant and from all the people she fucked during the last view weeks, it was me who knocked her up. I think the fuck not!
But I didn't say anything.
What was I supposed to say?

"You're gonna marry her."
I stared at him.
No.
No I'm not.
Sure, as fucking shit not!

Svetlana looked down at me. I still couldn't read her face. Maybe she just didn't possess any emotions. She just stared back at me completely cold.
"Did you hear me?"
I swallowed and took a deep breath, "Ye-yeah."
"Are you happy about that?"
I pressed my lips together.
"Sure", I pressed out, "We should drink to this, right?", I mumbled and got up.

I walked into the kitchen and got my hands on the first booze I could find. I was in the mood to down a whole fucking bottle of Jägermeister now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marry her.
Marry HER.

It's been a week since my dad told me about his plans and I haven't been sober since.
I sat in the abandoned building again. An empty beer bottle stood in one of the window-holes and I threw pebbles at it, missing constantly.
Nothing new. Always failing.

I haven't talked to Ian in weeks, not a word or a text. I also didn't want to see him or talk to him.
How was I supposed to fucking explain this? Would I even be able to explain this? I wouldn't even be able to say anything to him. Especially nothing along the lines of "I'm marrying the whore who was supposed to fuck me straight."
By now I accepted that Ian and I were over. If he was lucky, we would never see each other again.

As if on cue, someone entered the building. Of course, it was the Gallagher.
"So, is it true? You're getting married?", he asked.

How did he knew about this? Did Mandy tell him?
Why was he here? To talk me out of it?
No problem, I didn't want to do it anyways, but what fucking choice did I have?