How I fell in love with Ian Gallagher

How Mandy did what Ian Gallagher couldn't do

"God damn, Gallagher", I grinned and put my suit jacket back on.
The kiss had turned into making out and I might've pulled him over to some table and let him fuck me.
It felt so good to be touched by him again. Replacing the memory of Svetlana with his fingers on my skin again. He's what I needed, what I would always need, the only thing I'd always need.
"I gotta get you pissed off more often.", turned out Ian was an even better fuck, when he was angry.

"So, what are we gonna do?", he asked, closing his pants up and handing me the cigarette in his hands. We? "Are you gonna tell everyone to leave?"
Leave?
Didn't you understand anything after all?

"No", why would he think, something about the overall fucked-up-ness of the situation had changed, "I'll go get this shit over with and you can wait here for me. Shouldn't take longer than an hour alright? You better be ready for round two!"

I was naïve, yeah, a naïve little fuck, to think he would understand anything. To understand that I wanted him and needed him with me. That I needed to know he was still here, when I came back. That I had to marry this woman even though I'd give a lot to not have to do it.

I walked back into the room and took a drag from my cigarette.
He followed me, looking confused.
"You aren't seriously going through with this are?"

"Why are you acting like I got a choice in this?", I finally asked. The question was in my head the whole time already.

"This is bullshit.", he said. Bullshit! Bullshit? What would he fucking do in my position?
"Listen to me Mickey! Your dad is an evil psychotic prick! You're just gonna let him ruin your life?", he yelled.
"Oh, you can grow the fuck up!", I yelled, he was making me angry, I couldn't understand him anymore, I just couldn't understand him anymore, what was up with him? Where was my firecrotch from our rooftop? "Don't act like you know a thing about my dad!"
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Not everybody gets to just- ", I stopped.

I loved him. I wanted to tell him, I needed to tell him that. There was so much I needed to say, but I just couldn't.
I was weak, I was a coward. I was a pathetic broken piece of shit and I probably didn't even deserve him!
So, I just said, what I could say. The only true thing that was left, the truest thing I could bring myself to say out loud:

"Not everybody get's to just blurt out how they fucking feel every minute."

I said calmly.
I feel so much for you; I just can't say it. Understand that. At least that!
And I could swear, I saw in his eyes, that he did understand what I was trying to say. I imagined; he actually understood this time.

I looked at him sadly and he looked back, with the same emotions in his eyes, I was feeling.

The door opened a second time.
Ian was facing away, biting his lips, blinking furiously, while Mandy eyed us confused.

"Everyone's looking for you"
"I'm having a fucking smoke is that all right?", I answered aggressively.
I shook my head, threw the thing to the ground and left the room.

"You just got here?", I heard Mandy ask Ian and oh, how I fucking wished we would've told her. How I wished, she would've walked in sooner, seeing us, getting what was happening, understanding.

I just needed one fucking person here to understand!

The bridesmaids were Svetlana's "co-workers" in tight ugly pink dresses. One of them started the awful music from a boombox. It sounded like a death marsh to me.

I could see Ian, getting up from his chair, staring at Svetlana with as much disgust as I was feeling. She grinned to her co-workers, yeah, she could be fucking happy about this. Marrying an American and having an American child, for her, this was a perfect arrangement. For me it was hell – but why would she care?
I noticed one of the men behind her looking at her ass and I thought, bitch if you want her, fucking have at it, take my fucking place. But I just faked a smile while she approached me.