How I fell in love with Ian Gallagher

The Moment I lost Ian Gallagher

I calmed down.
It's been two months since the wedding.
Two months since seeing Ian.

I sometimes asked Mandy about him, tried to play it down. Tried to sound nonchalant, tried to seem like I don't care, what was bullshit, since she knew, that I cared, now.
Her answers were short and didn't really answer anything.

I was in my room, Svetlana was at work, Terry was out, it was just Mandy and me.
Someone knocked on the door.
"I go!", I heard Mandy yell.

Probably her big new boyfriend. Kenya something.
I heard her talking to someone but couldn't hear the second voice.
"Who's at the goddamn door?"
"It's for me shithead!"

For her? And she didn't fuck 'em yet?
A little hopeful voice following, I walked into the living room, when Mandy passed my room to get something from her's.
There he stood, the redheaded Gallagher.

Ian came back.
He was here, maybe to see Mandy and not me, but he was here.
I still had Mandy's voice in mind, He said, he loves you

"Hey", I said, he turned around to me.
I showed the weights in my hand, "Up to four sets twenty."
I didn't know what I was supposed to say, I was just happy to see him.
Two months of acting like I didn't care and there he was again, standing in front of me.
I was happy, really fucking happy, just because he stood in my living room.
But the look he gave me was somehow... cold.

I couldn't stop smiling while I looked at him.
"Get in here I wanna show you something. Come on, check it out."
I walked back to by room. He hesitated before following me.

I showed him my new room.
I didn't know why, I just felt like letting him into my life. I wanted him in my life. So here it is, on full display, ready for you to come back into it.
Please, I beg you.

I just kept babbling, not caring about what I said. Maybe I should've minded my own words.
I called Svetlana "my wife" and the look he gave me made me shut up in an instant. He looked so hurt, I wanted to do everything in the world to make that look go away.

"Anyways, she's working tomorrow night. Why don't we pick up where we left off?", I suggested, I didn't care about Svetlana or that's she's my wife in some fucked up way, he should understand that. I wanted him, no matter what she was doing right now, "Figure, if she's gonna be off fucking dudes, why can't I?"

The answer to that question probably was a simple "Because you hurt me"
But he just said, "No thanks. ", like I just asked him if he wanted a drink, as if it didn't matter, as if he didn't care.
"Hmm, hard to gets are getting me hard, Gallagher", I tried to make that fucking cold look go away, make him laugh, smile, give me that fucking grin I fell in love with seeing it through thick prison glass.

"Well, I'm leaving town.", he said suddenly.
I scoffed, right, I marry a whore and you run away and leave me alone. Leave me alone here again, yeah, that would make the fucking situation perfect.
"There a queer rights rally somewhere?"

"Army."
"Ah, right, you gotta be eighteen."
"Yeah, I figured a way around that", he stated.
Wait, he sounded untypically serious.

"You serious? You're signing up?", panic set in again.
"Tomorrow morning."
"That's a dumbass fucking move, how long?", fear crept up my bones, he sounded really serious about this.
"Four years, minimum."

I stared at him speechless.
What... you run away and leave me alone? Leave me alone here again? That really makes the fucking situation perfect, doesn't it?

"What are you hoping, that I tell you not to go?", don't go, don't fucking... "That I'm gonna chase after you like some bitch?"
What was this? What was happening? Was he really leaving me? Was he really leaving me alone with all this crap? Again? Was it some kind of fucked up test?
"I didn't come here for you.", he turned away.

He was only here for Mandy. He didn't even intend to tell me, he didn't even want to say good bye to me. He would've just left without saying anything, without leaving some kind of message. He would've just... vanished out of my life like we never had anything...
Is that how much I meant to him now?
Not even enough for a good bye?
Did I ruin so much, that he didn't even intend to tell me he was leaving me forever?

"Don't"

It was the only word I could choke out.
Don't, please, just don't.
He looked at me again.

"Don't what?"
"Just....", Don't leave, don't go, don't do this, please – but nothing came out, I just stared at him as I felt tears approaching but I couldn't say more, I looked at him, pleadingly, shook my head.
I couldn't say it.
I couldn't.
The words wouldn't come out.

He just scoffed and shook his head, before turning around and leaving.
I sat down on my bed. I heard Mandy talk to him and Ian left through the front door.
I pressed my palms against my eyes, because I knew I was about to cry.

I knew Mandy stood in the doorframe.
"The fuck do you want?"
"Really? I mean, that's all you gotta say to him?"
I looked at her, what did she expect? Some big love declaration?
"You're a fucking pussy", she spit and walked out to join her best friend.
And deep inside, I knew she right, I was a coward, and I just sat here, crying, instead of running after him, like I should.

And that's exactly the moment I lost Ian Gallagher.