Sierra Nevada (XXX)

13

Trust

We crawled into the tent and settled down into each other's arms. He was warm, soft and hard in all the right places. He busied himself with me right away, his hands finding little nooks and spaces that hadn't been touched in a millennium. His whiskers tickled when we kissed. We giggled and laughed and somewhere in there, I think I cried. He was just so sweet and tender and kind. I felt loved all the moments he held me.

We lay wrapped in our sleeping bags still snuggled close, a slight sheen of sweat covering our bodies and a soft glow surrounding us both. I was laying against his side while he lay on his back. He had both his arms around me when he whispered, "You okay?"

"Yeah. You?" I tried hard to hide my tears but they made their way to my voice anyhow. Of course, it didn't help that they were falling on his chest.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You didn't answer."

"I'm okay." He paused and took a long slow breath. "A bit worried."

"Bout what?"

"Don't be silly." I wanted to sit up and look at him, but I didn't want to move more. He pulled me tighter to him. "I'm sorry. I guess I've forgotten how to be sensitive in this regard." He was silent for long moments, I got lost in the pattern of his breathing and the feeling of his warmth. I snuggled closer to him and tangled my feet in his. He waited for me. I was hoping that he would let it go but he had no intention of doing any such thing. "Hey?"

"Mmm?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"No," I whined at him, "I want to be." It was a little cold, but I didn't want to discuss it. It was my turn to be insensitive. When I felt his muscles flex I was certain he was going to roll over and turn his back to me. I think the thought might have crossed his mind. I fully expected him to. Instead, he surprised me with his next set of words.

He sighed heavily and dove right into the heart of me. "You know. I don't do these things. Just lay with someone like this and especially like this." I knew exactly to what he was referring. It was outside of my nature too. "I trust you. I trusted you a year ago and I trust you so much more now. I want to tell you that I don't know how it is that you've come to be out here, or how your marriage ended or that I don't know that it did, but I can't pretend that I don't know. If I didn't I would have been very shy down at the lake the other day and this sure as hell would not have happened even once, let alone twice. I know. And I know that you are not dating anyone. I know this. I also know that I am not." He paused for a long while. I was listening. I heard what he said and I wondered how he could know. I never said a thing to anyone, not a soul on any of the media platforms that he could find me on. My tears stopped themselves as my mind whirled and turned.

"Why are you telling me this?" He moved then, pulling his arm from around me and turning me to face him. He grabbed his phone and flipped on the flashlight with a practiced hand. His eyes were full of hurt. I didn't mean to hurt him. I didn't want to, but I did. I didn't know what I was feeling, I felt overwhelmed. He was hot with emotion. I just wanted to kiss him and hold him and beg him to hold me and never let go because I was so damn tired of being alone. I touched his face in all the places that I had always wanted to touch as my eyes tracked his. "That was a stupid question. I'm sorry." I took my eyes from his and fought the tears I felt welling behind them. "It's just-- hell I don't know. I never thought, I never imagined. I dreamt, sure, but every girl does. This is so damn overwhelming. But you, you are here and you are real and warm and kind and funny and bright and smart as hell and I- I-, FUCK!"

"What? Is everything okay?" He panicked wondering why I would say such a thing.

"No. No. No. It's fine. It's fine. I'm such a mess. I don't know what you want from me." He sighed again and turned off the light on his phone. I felt his fingers on the side of my face, along my jaw over my lips, under my chin. I felt his body move as he leaned in and then I felt his beard on my nose and his lips on my forehead. "I mean we don't even live in the same state. What the fuck am I thinking?" I tried to pull away from the tenderness that he was putting out. I think he understood what I needed far more than I did. I know he knew what he needed.

He fought to hold onto me, which under normal circumstances would have been a solid trigger for me, but in his arms, it was entirely different. That he wanted to hold me, meant more than I could have imagined. I didn't understand how someone so small could engulf me the way he did as he wrapped me in his arms and pulled all but my hips into him. He just tucked me under his chin and held onto me. After I calmed down enough to listen I found that he was humming softly and quietly reminding me that it was going to be alright. God, I felt so broken. How'd I get so broken? Oh Yeah, that was right. But I felt a warmth seeping into all of my little breaks and cracks binding the many pieces of me back together again. He stroked my hair and held me until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning tucked in his arms exactly as I had fallen asleep. He was still holding me as close to himself as he could without allowing our hips to meet. I found a deep appreciation for him. I was just going to slip out of the warmth of that embrace and slip out of the tent. I needed to find the little girls room.

"You're awake?" He shifted, kissed my forehead and loosened his hold on me. I was instantly cold so I pulled back into his arms. He laughed. "Huh? Feels about right." He kissed my forehead again. When I turned my face up to his. He kissed my nose and smiled a big soft smile. "Are you better now?" I looked away from his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"It is okay. Truth is, I get like that sometimes too. Everything just hits all at once and I forget how to do anything, nothing makes sense and my mind starts racing in ways I don't think it was meant to. I'm sorry. I feel like I pushed you when I should have just let you be and asked you when you weren't so vulnerable or waited for you to come to me with whatever you were feeling. I'm so sorry," he whispered softly.

"Me too. I was overwhelmed, so very overwhelmed. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry I cried like that."

"Crying is okay. I did that too, Only I wasn't lying on you, so how could you know that I was hiding tears too?"

"You cried last night?"

"Yup." He wasn't ashamed or even frightened by his tears.

"After we um," I didn't know what I wanted to call it. It was more than just sex for me, a whole hell of a lot more, but I didn't think that it was appropriate to tell him that.

"Made love? That is what we did, isn't it? I didn't' just have sex with you and unlike the first time, I didn't just fuck you. It touched me enough to make me cry and it reached a part of you that did the same. So, you know that is what it was. I want to do it again. But if you think we would be better off not, then we shouldn't." I was at an absolute loss for words. I opened my mouth to respond and it just hung open. He said it. He honestly said it. He'd known me for like two days. I felt like I'd known him my whole life. I shook and nodded my head at the same time. He touched a finger to my chin and helped me close my mouth. His eyes were shining as he smiled. "I don't know what that means." He whispered softly as he leaned down and gently placed his lips on mine. I closed my eyes and just followed in whatever direction he decided to lead us in.