Sierra Nevada (XXX)

8

Honesty

I was starting to really enjoy his hugs. The last two, well three that I had received from him were neutral. This one was not. It wasn't far from it but he didn't hug me like a fan and he didn't hug me like a person does their friend. His hands were not in a neutral place and we weren't standing. We were sitting on a rock. It was impossible to hug completely, but his hands weren't near my shoulders, well one of them wasn't. One was on the back of my neck it engulfed it, the other was low on my back, under my arms and his finger hooked over my hip as he pulled me as tight as he could with the position we were sitting in. His knees were between mine. I didn't want to let go.

"You done eating?" He let me go slowly. I nodded. He did it again.

"Is it just me?" I nodded and let my eyes and hands slip to my lap. "Stop that." He gently scolded. I would have moved my eyes up on my own but his fingers were beneath my chin pulling my eyes back to his. "Seriously. You have got to stop doing that. Or I'm gonna lose my shit." His eyes searched mine and I found some strength after I lost my ability to breathe.

"If you stop doing that."

"I don't think I can."

"Me either." We both laughed. We were silly. He kissed my forehead.

"You didn't eat all of your food."

"I know. I can eat it along the way. We should walk for a while." We stood up and headed out. I was still wondering if I was just a fan that he happened to meet and like. I wanted to have a special place in his heart. He had a special place in mine. He always had, but that position started changing the moment he informed me he wasn't lost. He took my hand again and laced his fingers between mine as we headed out. It was warm and comfortable and it sure felt right. My heart was strong used to physical exertion, not that hiking slowly was any kind of exertion for me, but it was racing. We walked on in silence for a bit before I finally found the courage to ask him. "Avriel?"

"Yes." He smiled

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Uh, Oh. Not much good can come from a sentence that begins that way with that tone. What's on your mind? Is something troubling you?" He stopped walking and turned me to face him. Best to face things head on.

"I don't know how to ask you this. I mean. I feel what I feel but I have no idea what you are thinking or feeling."

"That makes two of us." He smiled softly and blushed a bit. "Are you wondering what you are to me and what you will be when life returns to normal?" He was way too casual about it. I nodded. It was just him. "I don't know. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never get involved with a fan again. Getting burned and used like that really hurts." He paused. I could feel anger burning in the back of my mind. He put the fire out with is next set of words. "But you are not just a fan. I don't think. I mean you are a fan, sure, but your intentions they don't seem. I never got that sense from you, your messages, that I avoided responding to." He shut me up. "You were married." His eyebrows raised as he tilted his head and looked at me. "I was dating someone. It was a very bad idea to get to know each other then. Now. Now is very different. But, I'm conflicted." My heart sank a bit more than I expected. It hurt to hear those words from his mouth but they were his truth. "I'm sorry." It was his turn to put his head down and look at the ground. I felt the tears in my eyes. I heard them in his voice. I nodded and pulled him into a hug just as he pulled me into one. As a result, our bodies slammed hard against each other in a full on frontal assault. He hugged me tighter than he ever had. His hands migrated to my neck and lower back as if that was where they belonged. Our hips aligned, We stood, body to body, in each other's arms. I cried. I couldn't help it. It hurt. He cried. He couldn't help it. It hurt.