Sierra Nevada (XXX)

18

So Are You

I woke up alone the next morning feeling like I hadn't slept at all. I dressed and crawled out of the tent. I felt a bit of anxiety starting to kick up. What if I had gone crazy and I really was out there alone? What if my inability to tell him what he wanted to hear broke things or if the truth was more than he could bare? I unzipped the tent and tried like hell to act normal. I hadn't dreamt him, he was there sitting on a rock staring into the fire holding a cup of something.

"I didn't know you were an early riser."

"I'm not."

"Then what are you doing out here before the sun is up." The conversation was bitter in my mouth.

"Couldn't sleep." I was shaking pretty hard by then. His tone and attitude were all off. I could feel the tears behind my eyes. There was no use in fighting them, no sense in pretending that we had reached a huge bump in our road and that it wasn't jarring and painful. No point in hiding it. I couldn't say the words. But I knew how to show them.

"Me either." I choked out. His head shot up to my face but he didn't move. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. He'd been crying too. Good. If we were both crying, then we had something worth fighting for. I was prepared to fight him for it. He stood up and turned his back to me. Nothing he would ever do could even begin to approach the amount of pain that little action threw me.

"Listen," His voice hitched. "If we are just going to go our separate ways from here, then I don't think I want to see you again. Please don't come to the shows." As pain often does, mine turned to anger, there was no turning back from that.

"What?"

"I said-"
"I know what you said!" I interrupted him. "And I understood perfectly. Why would you say that after what you said last night? Why?" My tears were ugly racing away from my eyes and my voice was broken and hitching.

"You didn't."

"I can't! I tried! I'm sorry. I just can't. But that doesn't mean that I don't, that I haven't. That I won't always. Please don't turn your back to me, Please?" My anger faded back into the pain and fear of rejection. I sat in the dirt because my legs just collapsed beneath me.

"You said that I wouldn't see you again until the show. You said that you didn't know. I thought you were different. I thought maybe, just maybe you wanted me, just me." His words got lost in his own pain and fear. As love always does, mine stepped up and pushed everything else aside. My hands were on his face, my eyes held tight to his before his next tear fell. I wiped his tears away with my thumbs.

"Avriel, Av, Avi. Sweet dear little Avi. You are not wrong. I want you, just you. I can't give you those words yet, I want more than anything to be able to say them, but they will not fall out of my mouth the way they do yours. Please find it in your heart to forgive me that. I can't say them. But I can show you if you will let me. Not that way. There are so many other ways to show how you feel for someone." I kissed each of his cheeks but didn't pull him any closer. "Listen. You are who you are and you do what you do. These things, the things that you do. You do them because you love to. And you need to do them. It's a part of who you are. Who am I to interfere with that? I don't want to be in your way or be a distraction to you in any way. I don't want to take anything away from anyone else. Your fans, they deserve your best, your band, they deserve your best, but most importantly you deserve your best and you always will. You won't feel whole if you don't give it your all." He was nodding at me as I spoke, the light was returning to his sweet eyes, but he wasn't seeing all that I needed him to see. "I will not be happy if you are not happy. That isn't gonna work for me anymore. It just won't. I have to go to Oregon. I can't put it off to run away with you, though I want to. What I can do is look at my schedule, share it with you. If you can share yours with me we can align them and you can tell me where we can find time to be together between now and then and make plans to do it. I don't care if it's just five minutes, to see you again to be able to look into those eyes and watch them smile. It will be worth it." I meant each and every word that I said. I didn't want to lose him before we ever really got started. That smile, his tender love and care in all that he did, the sweet sound of his laughter, the long conversations we had already had. I was completely invested in that man. I watched the realization hit him. The next tear that fell from his eye slowly slipped down his cheek.

"You really do love me, don't you?"

"That I do." I smiled softly and stepped into his warm arms. "Please don't let me go."

"I won't. You are a keeper." I felt my heart fill.

"So are you, Avriel. So are you."