Sierra Nevada (XXX)

12

Deny You

We hiked in relative silence most of the morning. We were both lost in the beauty around us and our own personal thoughts. I felt guilty and ashamed. I couldn't shake the feeling. I finally got to meet and spend time with a man I admired and respected and at the first opportunity to present itself, I jump his bones and took him without so much as asking for permission. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah! I wasn't thinking, was I? I was so angry and disappointed in myself. We broke for lunch and found seats on a couple of small rocks opposite of each other.

"You okay?" The concern in his eyes was touching beyond measure. I didn't know how to answer him.

"Yes." I tried to lie to us both and failed. "No." I sighed and let my lungs deflate. His expression of concern grew.

"What is wrong?" He took my hands and held my eyes with his. I wanted to pull away but, already, I couldn't deny him.

"It's just this morning--"

"Did I disappoint you?"

"What? No! How could you?"

"I didn't last very long. Maybe a minute, but I doubt that it took that long even." He put his head down. The source of his silence was made known to me in that manner. He felt inadequate. He could not have been more wrong.

"Oh Jesus! Are you worried about that?"

"Yes."

"I would ask you why, but it makes sense that being male you would be. No offense."

"You are not?"

"No. I feel bad."

"Bad? It wasn't supposed to make you feel bad. See I suck." He was ashamed and embarrassed. This wasn't going well.

"You do not. If it matters, it took me seconds, just seconds of you and you barely fit. How do you hide that thing in your tight ass pants? But that doesn't make me feel bad. I feel bad because I didn't even ask. Here, I meet the man I have come to love everything he has shown me about himself, I respect and care for deeply and the first damn opportunity I get to feel his penis inside me and I can't be stopped. I didn't even ask you." Tears ran down my face. I sobbed. My cheeks burned. I found the dirt between my feet with my eyes and left them there. I felt a warm hand touch my cheek and a gentle finger placed carefully under my chin with the utmost care and my eyes lifted to meet his. I found every color of the forest there, in his eyes, from the sweet blue of the sky through the green trees to the brown of the nurturing forest floor. With the tenderest compassion, he kissed the tears from each of my eyes, then kissed me tenderly. When he finally separated our lips he whispered.

"Trust me, if I didn't want to, it would not have happened." He kissed me again and smiled. I had not ever seen that look in his eyes. It didn't matter I liked it. He was playful and flirty again. It felt very right.

"But!"

"No buts. I know a man can be taken advantage of, even raped, but trust me. I was willing. I would have told you 'no' otherwise and you'd have listened."

"True."

"Good. It's settled. I wanted you, you gave me you. I wanted you to have me. You took me. Perfect. Well, close. We'll have to work on the timing thing if you want to." He winked and laughed at himself until I joined him. Yup, it felt perfect.

We packed up and left both much happier than we were when we sat down. We didn't talk much more, but both of us were smiling as we hiked, looking around and enjoying the scenery. When we reached an embankment that was too steep to walk up, he ran up it and turned around to take my hand. I gave it to him and we finished our hike, that way, hand in hand.