Hidden thoughts

Chapter 1

This story is entirely from Kylo Ren's point of view

I walked back across the salt flats fighting back tears. Hux and the troopers followed a short distance behind. A single tear fell and I wiped at it angerly, 'stop it' I commanded myself in a whisper. I was Supreme Leader now, I couldn't let emotions get the better of me, especially not in front of Hux and my troops. When I reached my Command Shuttle I trudged on board, my whole body ached from my fight in the throne room and my shoulders felt so tight that it sent a dull throbbing pain into my neck and up into my head. 

Once on board Hux approached me, a slight smirk on his pale face, "What's next Supreme Leader? I take it you have a plan?".  For a moment I stood with my back to him, leaning over a control panel, my gloved hands gripping the cold metal, the flashing lights hurting my eyes, wishing I had on my mask, desperate to hide my emotions. I turned then and looked Hux square in the eyes.  He stepped back but he never broke my gaze as I spoke, "We will head back to our base and come up with a new strategy".  I began to turn away from Hux as the shuttle began to lift into the sky but he didn't move, "Uh Supreme Leader, I feel very strongly that we need to go after them straight away, keep up the pressure. If we are seen to be leaving with our tails between our legs then I do believe that the victory truly was theirs today".  I felt my hands ball into fists at my side, the pressure was too much to stand, I could feel every eye in the ship on me as I spun back around and force lifted Hux into a choke hold.  He gasped and clutched at his neck, his feet kicking uselessly, "I have made my orders quite clear General" I shouted as I released him harshly against the wall.  He fell down coughing and spluttering.  I watched for a moment and then went and sat down heavily in one of the seats, my head resting on my hands, my eyes examining the white salt on the toe of my boots.

As soon as we reached the base I left the hanger and walked quickly to my quarters, desperate to lie down, desperate to be alone with my thoughts.  Hux didn't try to stop me, he had spent the rest of the flight sulking, his back to me, coughs escaping his lips every now and then, how I hated him I thought bitterly as I lifted my hand to force open the sliding door to my room.  It opened with a hiss and I went inside, instantly soothed by the quiet.  The door clicked shut behind me and I dropped down heavily on my bed, pushing off my boots.  I lay back slowly, wincing and closed my eyes and there she was, the first thing I saw in my mind. Rey. Stood as she had been all that time ago in the Forrest.  Stood with her eyes shut, so beautiful, right in front of me.  I had been so afraid that I would hurt her that night and yet she had felt nothing but hate towards me, I had seen it in her eyes when they had opened.  And since then she had softened towards me, she had touched me, something that I hadn't experienced before, the feeling of flesh against mine.  I had dreamed of it ever since, of how arousing and captivatingly soft her fingers had been.  Even now i had to fight the urge to give in to the tingling feelings that the memory of that moment inspired within me.  I thought about when she had arrived at the base, how close she had stood to me in the elevator and the way I had felt as she spoke my birth name and then I thought about what I had done for her and how I had felt such a rush of feelings towards her in that moment that I had been sure that she would join me if I asked.  I turned on my side, moaning in pain from my sore muscles.  "Why Rey?" I whispered "why didn't you join me?". Much to my irritation I felt the hot sting of tears again, "Stop it!" I screamed out loud, sitting up and pulling at my dark hair.  I kicked my leg out violently, sending the little counter next to my bed crashing onto its side.  I sat for a moment then, my lip trembling, hands over my face and then finally I let the tears fall.  They poured down my face, dripping onto my black trousers, sobs racking my body, only grateful that my room was soundproofed.