Shadowhunters Season 4

Our Life is the Problem

I have never seen Alec like that. He has been keeping his emotions for a long time. Yeah, I can understand his feelings because of I am his Parabatai. But today was different. I haven't felt sadness. I felt that his soul was torn apart. I mustn't have joked and angry about it. I couldn't see that Max means so much to him. And Magnus. I have been thinking that he was unbreakable and really strong. A person who don't show his feelings except happiness and concern. I have never admitted but sometimes I can be wrong too. I saw the real Magnus today. The person who lost many people, who sacrificed a lot and who afraid of making new relationships. When I looked back now, I could see his concern. I could understand that he was always in pain. And I was too stupid an selfish to think that they were living happily ever after. They all have problems. Even with Clave. If I understood correctly they were still trying to make decisions without the downworlders. And that would never change. They could say that they were working with them. But I knew that they were working with them because they didn't want them to be against the Clave. Also we would be gone but Simon and Magnus will live. I never thought about it before. I always focused on Clary. Maybe because of my lack of love. I hold on her. I didn't understand the pain Alec had when he broke up with Magnus. I focused on saving Clary. I should have felt his sadness but I didn't. I should have known better. Our problems would never over. There was always going to be a war, a bad guy or a situation to solve. It was our life and I pulled Clary back into this mess. Maybe I understood the punishment wrong which was given by the Angels. Maybe they didn't punish her because of they were arrogant. Maybe they wanted to reword her for giving her a normal life after everything she has done. I really didn't believe that this is the case. But I could gave her that normal life. I could. Now everything back to the beginning. But in this case she wasn't in danger. I put her in danger. And probably there wasn't a way to bring her memory. We can't broke the Angel's punishment. Can we? Even if we did there would be a price. A bad one. Probably a life to life, a memory to memory. Magnus and Simon were right. I understand them right now. They thought with their minds. (Luke too.) I thought with my hearth. And who the hell I was, how could I brought her back in this life, when her dad and best friend didn't. Maybe Valentine was right. Yes, I still hate him for what he have done. But emotions have big prices. Prices that nobody wants to pay.

As I was thinking like that I arrived at the infirmary. I haven't spent much time here before today. I went inside because I can't deal with this emotions anymore. Guilt, love, sadness, anger...

I saw Izzy, Simon, Helen and Aline were speaking quietly. They looked at me when I closed the door. Izzy and Simon didn't seem angry. Normally it could be a good thing but I knew that we have a lot of problems going on.
'' Jace, I know you want to stay with Clary but she is fine. And we need someone to go to Alicante with Alec. Magnus will stay here thought.'' Izzy said. I looked at Clary. Her injures were okay and as Izzy said she looks fine. But Izzy doesn't know what happened to Maryse and Max. Oh Angel! I must the one who needs tell her. I hate it. She looked at me with concern but I didn't let her speak.
'' Alec and Magnus aren't in a good position. Also mom is in the other room. Magnus healed her because she was hit. And Max is missing.'' I said quickly. There wasn't a way to say this nicely. She ran through the door to the other room. Simon turned to me.
'' What have happened now?'' He asked angrily. I was sure that he blamed me for this.
'' When you were talking with Alec. Someone attacked mom on head and kidnapped Max. She is okay but Magnus and Alec weren't okay when I left them.'' I said. Then Simon interrupted me.
'' Of course they are! And here you are standing without any concern!'' Simon shouted.
'' Don't you know that I am sad too! But I realized that this chaos is in our freaking life! And I need to go to the Alicante as you said. They will look for him. When I finish (and I don't think I can) I'll come back to help them. Now I am going to leave with Helen and Aline!'' I shouted back. He came closer and pointed at me.
''You know that this is all your fault, right? If you never bothered Clary, Magnus and Alec won't come back and Max wasn't kidnapped. And all we had to do is to go to the Alicante and stop the war. Thanks to you we have more problems.'' He shouted like I didn't know. But I did.
'' Why do you even care about Max. You didn't meet him. None of us did. Do you want to taste a baby blood like you drank mine?'' I yelled. Everyone was in shock. Simon was so angry that he couldn't even move for a couple of minutes. Then he ran with his vampire speed and threw me to the floor and started to punching me. I didn't try to stop him all I did was yelling. Helen tried to stop him. But Aline didn't let her.
'' Yeah, beat me! You can only beat me with your powers. You stupid blood-drinker!'' He hit me harder and that was all I wanted. I need to be punished.
'' Stop, you two! Life isn't all about you. Especially you, Herondale!'' Magnus yelled. We all looked at him. His eyes were red. I worried about him because I didn't see him crying before. And he was really angry that if Alec didn't stopped him with his hand he would threw us the fire ball he made with anger. Simon stood up and went next to the door. I stood up and looked at Alec. But he turned his face to Magnus and hold his hand. I saw the woman behind them who I saw before in the room, who was like a person I know.
'' Do what ever you want outside. Clary is resting an last thing to do is waking her up. She doesn't need to wake up because of you two idiots! Get out before I burn you!'' I normally would said something stupid to make him more angry than he is now. But instead of that I went outside like Simon. He looked at me once and went to the Maryse room.
So I went to the only place where I won't disturb others and where I can feel fine.