my heart...

Congratulations

Love is bullshit
It's an idea
A fantasy
One that stems from stories of hero's and dragons
Crowns and sleeping princesses
I don't get it
If I can't even let my family in
My friends in
What makes anyone else think they have a way into my heart

I thought I had my emotions mastered after all this time
I was fooling myself
I'm still being stirred by hope
Hope in my heart
Hope in those I love
But always fucking hurt my feelings
And stab my heart with all the force in the world

What happened to me?
Why do I cringe hard at every couple I see?
But still tear up over every successful romance I read about?
Why does the media have such a strong hold over my heart?
Why can't it just fucking stop being complicated?
I don't want anyone
I don't need anyone
And I can't stand the fucking annoying idea of being so vulnerable in front of anyone
If I can't even admit that I have asthma when I'm grasping for air between words
Just because I don't like feeling and looking weak
What makes anyone think that I would like the idea of someone seeing me weak period?

I'm so fucking done with this idea of love that everyone preaches so hard in the media
I'm so fucking tired of women preaching that men ain't shit
That they destroy everything and that we don't need them
That they're so fucking tired of getting their hearts broken
But end up running towards the same loves that fucked up their lives in the first place
I really don't get it
I don't understand the appeal of it all
And I'm starting to think that maybe I don't want to understand
Maybe there's a line between you and me
And that's the way it's supposed to be
There's a whole world that I live in with myself that's way more beautiful than anyone could ever understand
I love myself
I love that I can enjoy shit when I'm by myself
That I don't need another living being by me at all times
That I don't need shit
I'm fucking down with all of the dumb ass ideas that people try and push into my brain
Maybe I just wanna be myself and not worry about what you fucking think
I was given a brain so let me fucking use it
Stop trying to control what I think like I'm a puppet on strings
I don't need to be saved
I need some fucking space from toxic people

I thought for years that maybe I would be loved in return by the very person that I couldn't even depend on
And I really didn't even know how stupid I looked
How desperate I was
I wanted love at that time
And now that I've had my heart broken enough times to pollute a continent with my hearts wandering dust particles
I can see my mistakes
I'm done loving when it's all bullshit

I love me
I love people in general
But I'm done loving personally
When all it does is destroy what's left of me
I need some fucking space from what I know
Because all it's doing is pushing me back into the darkness
Everyday I feel my positivity fading
Like the health of the earth in the 21st century
I wanna be better
But I need that space
I feel like shit
And I'm pushing away the people who matter without even thinking

It's hard when you love so hard
And want more time with your love
When you know it isn't healthy
When you know that your depending on the wrong person for life support

I'm done loving like this
This is it
I thought I had mastered my emotions
I thought I was stable for a minute there
But I guess I'm just naive

I'm going cold turkey now
And this is my "break up" letter to love
To bullshit stories
To all the people that I loved and cared for but who could never do the same for me

Congratulations
You've broken me
You got what you wanted
Now give my remains to the air
And let me just float
Dust can't cry
But I will collect with the clouds
And create puddles in the concrete
While you play with hearts
Create more
Break more
Complicate more

I'm fucking done
Go fuck yourself love