my heart...

im tired

It's hard creating a new path for yourself
When you haven't even stepped out the door
It's scary facing a shit ton of storms
That you don't have any shelter to run to
It's annoying being doubted
Before you even try
It's unfair that the universe pushed me out here all alone
When it knew that I was only an "extra"
It hurts to see so many with bonds that I'll never have
Because I envy their warmth that makes me feel so cold...
It's difficult to breathe sometimes
And I long for someone to bring me back to life
It's not easy to look okay
Even if I make it look effortless
It's easy to look strong
When all I have to do is put my barriers up
It's weird giving advice
But it's nice to save people who understand that 1% of my heart
It's an empty void
But I like to pretend there's something there
I'm so tired of hearing "I'm okay": from me, you and the universe
Because every time I do, another protective barrier is created
It's not that i want to be dishonest
But everyday that I lie to you, the harder it is to be honest with myself
And the easier it is to move on and leave the broken pieces on the ground
Everyday creating a new scar on the inside that no one can see
It's sad
And I'm tired of crying
So I try and forget
But the more I do
The less human I feel
Everyday becoming more robotic
Because I'd rather have no emotion than constantly hurt so bad
It's chilling that no matter what I do
Things might stay the same
And everyday wishing for something I will never have...
Even now I don't reveal it
Because I feel somewhere deep inside there's hope
But I can only feel this speck of light that I cannot see
Its too dark
And I've gotten so used to this darkness that I'm not afraid anymore
I'm only afraid that I'll be forced to stay alone in this darkness for eternity
But also the inevitability of dragging down everyone I want to see happy
It's deafening to constantly hear my own screams
Knowing that only I can hear them
It's confusing when I realize how silent I am on the outside
Have you ever felt that?
That pain in your chest that medicine can't really fix?
That hole in your stomach that comes from all the anxiety from facing the chaos all alone?
That knowledge that the only thing that you can do for yourself is keep walking... and hope it leads anywhere else but here?
I feel tears wet my cheeks when I see people embrace
But I guess I was just imagining it because the guards of my heart won't allow my exterior to crumble
... It's suffocating watching everyone give and get love
Because I haven't felt that for a really long time
Maybe that's why I try my hardest to make people happy
Because of my lack of-
But. It's okay right?
It'll get better as time passes right?
I'm just going through a phase right?
... why do I feel the need to run
Even though I will always be a million years behind, stuck in a fray?
It's impossible to see how many times my heart has broken
Because the glass is not glass anymore
It's dust
And I try to isolate it so that maybe, somehow, someday, somewhere, somebody will magically lift the shattered pieces and craft it into something beautiful, warm... filled
Like in the movies
But life isn't like the movies, or the books, or even your dreams
Life doesn't just provide you with a savior
No one will just see that your broken and want to fix you
After all, who looks at the extra?
The dust underneath the couch?
The emotion behind a smile?
Because that's too inconvenient
And who cares?
But I guess it's easier if they don't dig too deep
There's less guilt that way
And you can keep pretending your happy

Wow you made it this far?
You must really hurt...
Do you hide your tears too?
Well... I notice your pain...
But we're okay?
right?

You thought it was it was a man-made ocean
And you were right
It was the tears I had yet to shed
You thought the stars were just balls of energy millions of light years away, untouchable
And you were wrong
They are the lights of hope I sought
But you were right,
They are an infinity away
And they aren't reachable
They're only there for me to look at, not to touch
You thought houses were made of brick, wood and concrete
But they're made of love
And I was left outside
You thought fire was meant to burn
But for me, it's my only warmth in this cold word
And I'm allergic to the cold
You thought the darkness was scary
Your right
But only if your not used to it

I'm tired
That's all
There's nothing to be done about it
But it's nice to mention
And when I say it out loud
It may seem unimportant to everyone else but those two words have a deeper meaning to me

I'll just stay up
Put on make up
And smile
Because nothing can be done internally
I might as well look normal externally

There's a reason why I can get kicked, punched, hit, slapped, cut, tripped...

With a smile in the end...

I've become numb on the outside

Because my internal scars seem to hurt worse...

funny right?

why's the robot able to feel... pain...?

...i don't even know anymore-

Print("shutting down")