Tangled Dreams

CHAPTER 3: AT DESTINATION'S CROSSROADS (Part 2) | Kareena Chopra

I had often been left alone from a young age. My parents had been engrossed in their careers. They would vanish to their workplaces before sunrise and return home late at night, long after I had gone to bed. Sometimes, I did not see them for several days because they were so busy. The only people at home were the maid and the nanny who were specially employed to take care of me.

Initially, they both went out of their way to please and take care of me, but I could not care less. I remained indifferent and ignored them. They were not the people I wanted to be with; I wanted my father and mother to spend time with me. After months of trying, the maid and nanny admitted defeat and gave up trying to win me over. As long as food was served at mealtimes and my school uniform was washed and ironed, they could do as they please, shirking their duties or fraternising with the gardener next door. It meant nothing to me. I did not need their attention.

In school, I did not mix with other children because I envied them. They had parents who spent time with them. Every Monday, they would noisily share stories about their family activities at the weekend. I did not have a story to tell because there was no sign of my parents at weekends. The weekend was a golden opportunity for business, they said – something that I never did quite understand even until today. I became increasingly aloof and withdrawn.

I felt my life was truly boring. So I chose to lose myself in story books. In my fantasy world, I would go exploring with imaginary friends who were interesting. I investigated criminal cases with Nancy Drew, explored the Seven Seas with Peter Pan and fought Hang Tuah. I had an audience with the Queen of Hearts along with Alice in Wonderland, rode the Wishing Chair with Mollie and Peter, and assisted Sherlock Holmes in his major cases. I also read about statesmen such as Tunku Abdul Rahman, Tun Hussein Onn, and leaders of other nations. I was amazed by and admired their lives and was determined to serve Malaysia as they had done.

However, I came to a dead end after completing my schooling. Would I be able to serve the nation as they did? I was not articulate and did not like to socialize with others. When surrounded by people, I became breathless and overwhelmed. Perhaps due to a lack of communication with others, I became afraid of people. To me, the existence of the species known as human beings was truly frightening. I did not know what to do. What should be the next step in my life? I retreated back to the world between the pages of books.

For months I befriended fictional characters in the little library in my bedroom. The books I had collected since young piled up as there was no longer any space in the ceiling-to-floor book racks. I would order new books from the Internet every week. I estimated that my book collection exceeded 1,000 titles. I had never thrown away any books since young. I read some books over and over again. There were other books that I kept as collections. Every book was priceless to me.

Eventually, I no longer ate at the dining table. Regardless whether it was breakfast, lunch or dinner, the maid would just send the meal to my room. In addition, she would deliver notes from my father or mother, who kept on at me about furthering my studies at college or university. All kinds of brochures were passed on to me. My mother had highlighted and circled courses such as medicine, engineering, or suchlike, for me to consider. I threw them all in the wastepaper basket without even taking a glance at them. Trying to pull me away from my world? A waste of time. I had become increasingly drawn into the world of fiction.

I was engrossed investigating a new case with Sherlock Holmes when, as usual, there was a knock at the door. It must be the maid bringing my dinner. My guess was way off the mark. My mother stepped in. She delivered an ultimatum. Whether I liked it or not, I was going to further my education. I was not going to hole myself up in this room forever. She cautioned me further: if I still did not decide on my path of education, she would throw away my entire book collection.

My heart shattered into a million pieces after hearing her threats. When she eventually left my room, I felt as if the life had drained out of my body.