DON'T LET ME GO

Chapter 16

Is it the alcohol? Is it the loud deathining music? is it my broken heart or a mix of all but i am looking at Carmen standing right in front of me kissing some of my friend's hello.

She's gorgeous, oh no no, don't go there Jenny. I kept repeating that to myself looking her or her ghost for all i know. I cant be weak now she replaced me, she didnt even try to fight for me, it's been only two months and she already moved on and here i am drunk on each one of my memories with her.
I see her getting closer to where i am standing so i run, there is nowhere to hide in this club but the bathrooms, and so i go and lock myself in one of the stools and try to convince my head to stop swaying.

- i know you don't want to talk but we have to.
- go away.
- stop acting like a kid and come out, i am not going anywhere.
- how did you fucking found me?
- i went to your place, Ezy said you're here. Come out.
- i said go away.

I hit the door so hard i think i broke my wrest and i shout crying:
- go awaaaaaaaayyy, go away please. Go away i can't.

I can feel her leaning on the door, she's quite but i hear her breathing even with the fading music coming from outside the bathrooms.
we stay silent for a moment as i sob behind my locked door, i try to make out if she's still waiting so with a choking voice i call her name:
- Carmen!
- yes, yes!.. come out please, let's talk.

Her calm piss me off so i start banging on the door over and over:
- go away, go the fuck away... get out of my head leave me alone go back to your bitch and leave me alone. Go away.
- you asked me to go away before and here we are, i cant go anywhere now. Come out please.

I didn't find the words or maybe i didn't want to say them out loud so as if whispering to myself i said:
- i wanted you to stay.

I the same tone of desperation and confusion Carmen replied:
-you asked me to never talk to you again!
-and you listened, so keep listening and go away for good.

We both quite, i grew tired of hiding and waiting and running away from my troubles so i open the door and try to burst out, but she wont let me leave. As soon as i opened the door she pushed me in and locked it behind both of us.
Now i am her prisoner, i look into her grey eyes and she looks into mine we dont speak we're just mute there gazing at each other,  she tries to hold my hand and i pull away. There is not much space to protect myself with a safe distance from her, there is barely few inchs between our bodies but i won't lose control just cause i am mesmerized by her eyes.

I am waiting for her to talk why dont she? She came to talk didn't she? She has me locked up in this tiny space why doesn't she talk? Why is she so calm in my presence? Why am i shivering just by looking at her? Why i wont let her hold my hand but all i am thinking of is kissing her? To help myself fight her gravity i recall her pictures with that british model she was kissing... it's helping, my rage is taking over again, suddenly she cuts the silence:
- i missed you?
- i didn't.
- i believe you.
- that's your superpower.
- what's that suppose to mean?
- you believe.
- why would you say it even it wasn't true?
- do you mean everything you say?
- yes...
- did you mean everything you said to me.
- yes.

Her answer piss me off even more and i push her against the wall several times, i wanted to hurt her. If she's not hurting emotionaly like me then she'll feel it in her body so i keep pushing her until she finally controlled my arms and blocked them behind my back, she's so close... her smell is making me dizzy, her hair is touching my cheek, her breaths are falling on my neck and i cant take it anymore. The mixture of rage and longing take the hold of me and i start crying again so she lets go of my arms and hold me one arm on my back and one over my head. Her touches are soothing me but i can't stop the tears....

- how could you move on and i can't? I asked.
- who said i moved on?
- your pictures.
- a hopeless attempt to forget, nothing works Jenny, i tried it all, you resist everything i try to get you out of me. You belong there i cant take you out.

I dont say anything and she continues:

- i never thought they were right when they said don't fall for a straight girl. The pain is unberable.

Her words hit the core of me, she fell for me! She's in pain! I am straight! They! Hearing that i pulled myself away from her just enough to look her in the eyes, and as i did that thing in me that belongs to her pulled me into her and i hopelessly kiss her. She taste like home.

I didn't have the power to argue or cry or simply talk anymore and i remembered that we're still locked at a club's bathroom stool so i asked her to go and join the others for the party.

- you'll have the rest of the night to say what you came here to say.why did you come now by the way?
- Ezy called, she said you saw the pictures, that you weren't ok.
- i'll fire that traitor ass bitch.

And so we go.

For the rest of the party i forgot that i was hurt, all i was thinking is that she was there she was looking at me everytime i look at her. Our eyes just meet with the lust of the universe, we both danced as if we were free from this word's troubles till the time came to leave and just to save myself from a scandle i invited everyone back to my place to continue the party.