DON'T LET ME GO

Chapter 17

As soon as we closed the house door behind us i grabed Carmen's hand and run upstairs to my room, the others were drunk enough not to care if i personally attend to them or the house stuff do so.
Climbing up the stairs i thought i'll rip her dress off of her as soon as we're in the privacy of the room but once there i froze and i guess she froze too since she stood there looking at me.
I asked:
- You want a drink?
- i want you.
- you can't have me.

She's quite, this is where she has to decide either she believes everything i say or dig deeper with that in mind i realised that maybe everything i ever said to her was a lie while everything she says is the truth. So i wait, will she fight through my lies or let me hang with the trail of lies i keep telling both of us.
She took a step towards me started playing with my hair and said:

- your anger, your tears and the very fact that you have me in your bedroom says otherwise.
- when am angry i cry, i am angry cause you played me and unless you want to have this conversation infront of everyone we can go back downstairs.
- a normal human being wont push away the person that they want.
- well then i am not a normal human being.
- means you want me!
- i didn't... ah i didn't say th....

As her habit, before i even finish my sentence she softly touches my lips with hers while talking:

- i missed you....

We ended up in bed in each other's arms, everything she's doing to me physically hurts me, i am rocking underneath her in pain. She bite my lip, she pulls my nipples, she's puting me in positions i dont think they're phisically posible to be in and i moan, i tell her "it hurts" and she replies "tell me to stop" but i won't, i dont want her to believe it and stop. So i take in the pain and the pleasure both and i come to the realisation that she wants to punish me. For what? That i am not sure of.
As she continue going aggressively through my body i ask her:

- did you hurt her as much when you slept with her.

She wont reply, instead she bit my inner thigh as if she was hangry for my flesh so i ask again:

- did you think of me when you fucked her?

Suddenly i cant feel her tongue down between my thighs anymore, she stoped eating me and pulled my legs up to her sholders she came all the way up to face me as my legs stand as a barricade between our chests and she whispers:

- every second of it, with everyone of them.

Then i knew i couldn't take the pain anymore and so i soflty push her away and sit between her legs and as we face each other i ask the question that was lingering in my head since i last saw her:

- how many of them?

She tenderly pulls me closer to her and hold my face with both her hands:

- none of them mattered.
- who are they?
- none of them mattered.
- why did you leave?
- you're not into women like that...

She said it as she moved to lay next to me, still sitting where she left me as if to avaid her gaze and i whisperly said:

- you are not a woman.

She was passing her fingers through my back as if counting every bone there is and said:

- what am i?
- you are mine.
- and what are you?

I knew the answer but i couldn't find the words to express it, as if she puts my whole existence under question all my pass relationships all my likes and dislikes everything i ever experienced was limited to that answer so i lay next to her without looking at her and i say:

- yours.... i think.

She doesnt say a word, she doesnt move. Her reaction or absence of one isn't reassuring so i turn to face her and continue:

- i know i am drawn to you, i know i dont want you to be with someone else but i dont know what i can give you in return... i am....
- not into women like that. I got it.
- i am experincing feelings that i never felt before, i want you to stay away from me but whenever you go i feel my soul left me.
- so you want me to fight for you?
- i want to know that i am not alone in this if i put everything aside and choose you.
- i already chose you so here i am, do whatever you want but i can't fight for a maybe.
- were you punishing me with your agressive sex earlier? Because of the maybe?
- no...
- so ? You were soft before, what changed? Are you like... into like hard....
- i wanted you to prove what you dont want to say. If you didnt want me you wouldn't accept the pain.
- and did you get your proof?

As i asked Carmen jumped on top of me carressing me as sofly as if touching a very thin string of silk while telling me everything i needed to hear at that moment to give myself completely and unconditionally to her:

- your existence is my proof, you cant be with someone else no one else can have you, i waited years for you and wont let you go now that i have you. We belong together, even if you wont take me no one else will have me. I am yours...
- forever?
- always
- say it... say it, i need to hear it.
- i am yours.
- always?!
- i am forever yours.

After much distance, much pain and confusion some of which still troubles me i spent the night in the safest place i could be. In her arms i forget who we both are, i forget the tabloids and the scandals, i forget Hollywood and showbiz, i forget the lables and the marketing of humans as products on a shelf.... all i can remember is that being here and now is all i want. I cant resist and i dont want to think about tomorrow.

This single ususl knock on the door that i know so well sent a loud bang in the bedroom and i shout:

- DON'T

And i hear Eddy shouts behind the door:

- your guests just left and you need to get up shower and come downstairs for your Cannes wordrobe meeting.

I don't reply, if Eddy sees Carmen in my bed he'll lose it.
- Jenny!

The door handle moves down slowly and i shout again:

- Edward DONT.
-what's wrong? Are you alone?

Again i can't reply, so he knocks the door again and says as i hear his steps moving further from my room:

- 10 minutes to be down or i'm coming in.