DON'T LET ME GO

Chapter 14

As i sneaked into my bed all i could think of was that belonging feeling i had as i was laying next to Carmen. The out of ordinary physical and emotional excitement i felt with her, i kept hearing her moans, smelling her perfum, feeling her soft hands moving over my body. With every recall of a memory i felt a punsh in my stomach as if it was happening right now again and again.

I can't sleep, i can't even breath. The sun is already up and i just had both the best and worst night of my life so far. I remembered as i picked up my phone that e-mail i recieved from Eddy the evening before. What am i doing. What is wrong with me?
Opposite to what i expected Carmen didn't text since i last left her home we didn't talk. There is this fear that i have and i can't explain, like i want to run both to and away from her. Maybe she feels the same.

Scandal management effective immidiatly i wasn't going anywhere today or the days to come for that matter. I kept checking my phone a billion times a minute yet there was no text from Carmen.
Suddenly anger replaces fear, did she just got what she always wanted and she's pulling a hit and run on me? As i was making sense of my feelings my phone started buzzing. No, it's not her.
I now have to deal with friends and family curious and furious texts and i have no energy for that. The only person i need to talk to is Carmen yet she's the only person on earth that didn't have a word to say to me it seems.

Later that day my trouble source finally texted me.

CARMEN🤗😍
* are you on scandal management?

Though i was dying to reply i didn't, her cold text did ease my mind, she's not avoiding me but let her taste some of her medicine, let her feel ignored for a change.

CARMEN🤗😍
*are you not allowed to even reply to my msgs now?

No, i wont fall into the trap your gorgeous ass is still gonna be ignored.

CARMEN🤗😍
* okay... take care.

Suddenly i couldn't ignore her anymore, is it her cold "okay" that triggered me or the probability that she's saying goodbye with that "take care"? I don't know i just know i have to talk to her.

The phone rings and rings and she's not picking up just as i was about to end the call i heared her voice.

*hello...

.... silence

* Jenny! Hello?
* did you spend all day thinking to pull that text out of your ass?
*what are you talking about?
* CARMEN, YOU DONT FUCKING FUCK ME FOR HOURS AND THEN IGNORE ME AND ONLY AT THE END OF THE DAY SEND ME A LAME ASS TEXT TO PISS ME OFF EVEN MORE...
* slow down, i didn't know what to do... i thought about you all day. I wasn't ignoring you i just didn't know what to say.
*fucking call and say nothing then!
*i am sorry
*listen it was nice while it lasted but i think it's best if we just stop here before it gets worst.
*stop what? We didnt even start to stop.
*then dont start, i told you i am not into women like that.

I knew i was crossing over from the angry to the mean side saying that but it's too late to take it back.
She didnt say a word after that, i could only hear her heavy breathing over the phone and i simply had to hang up before i say something more hurtful.
At this point i dont know which of us is more hurt, who's more in trouble and why we even started this weird thing that needs to stop before it even started as she said.

* Carmen, i have to go. I think it's best if we just stop talking to eachother.
*... Okay jenny.

Something in me didn't approve of the decision i just made but i knew it was the best thing to do in order to save myself the scandals and focus on my career. I can't be the new Hollywood lesbian, i can't be the talk of town for a week or two because of whom i have sex with and then fall forgotten. I still have a career to think about, i still have an Oscar to get more movies to make, Carmen Del Rosso can't stop me from dethroning her she's lucky she knows what she wants she was smart to assume it from day one but it's too late for me to do so. It's too late to save my career after i publicly denied all gay accusations for years and specially after i bashed the very woman i now in a very unexplainable way want to belong to.

It's been days, i didn't leave my house, i didnt talk to a soul and still i can't stop thinking of sweet Carmen. How can she say we belong together and then vanish just cause i asked her to. Am i not worth a fight? Why do i want her to fight for me if i already know i would never be with her? I chose my career that's the end of it. Did i stop it because i was afraid of the scandals or afraid of what i feel every time she's around me?