DON'T LET ME GO

Chapter 15

Scandal management operation over i started going out again, partying, dinning, traveling, giving interviews always laughing off Carmen related questions denaying the very thing that i am constantly feeling, that I belong with that human.
I tried as best to keep a normal life after that breef moment with Carmen. I am still Hollywood bad girl after all the only difference now is that i am not enjoying it anymore. I am just faking it simply to make myself believe that what i felt with her was just the excitement of something new.

I wonder where she is, what she's doing, does she think of me as much as i think of her? Is she enjoying whatever she's doing or faking her whole existence just like me.

I was on the car Ezy on the way to an interew, i can tell she's unsettled as her state when she has something to tell me but dreading my reaction so i ask her:
* Ezyyyyyy, what is it baby?
*nothing Jenny nothing, just focus on you're TV appearance. We'll talk after.
*that means there is something what is it?

Handing me her phone she asks:

*did you see this?

As i hold her phone in my hand my vision goes blurry, i am not sure what this means, tears uncontrolably start streaming down my face and i say nothing while Ezy touching my hair say :

* i am sure it's nothing, just another tabloid story. You know how it is.
* tabloids can't fake a kissing picture Ezy. Good for her seems like she found a hot one.

I have no recollection of the interview i just had, i dont know what i said or what has been said to me. Pictures of Carmen and her new girl keep passing through my head like a very bad scene in a horror movie.
I lock myself in my room as soon as we get home. Passing through it, as if i lost control over my body, i cant even stop though my feet start to ache.

A knock on my door and it opens, Edward comes in with that fatherly look in his eyes:

*my super star, i don't want you to let whatever or whoever get on the way of your success. See it's been few weeks we didnt get in trouble it has to stay the same until we sign the contract for your movie. It's gonna be a smacher i tell you girl this movie was made for you.

I dont even have energy to reply or entertain this onesided conversation with him i just nod he hugs me and excuse himself from the room.
As soon as he closes the door i finally crumble into my bed and sob like he was telling me that i am dying tomorrow. I finally exhausted myself into sleep. Even in my sleep she won't give me a second of peace. I dreamt of Carmen all night, horrific scenarios playing over and over through the night my torment finally over i woke up feeling broken up as if i have battled a monster's army while sleeping.

Without changing my pjs i put my sunglasses on to hide my swollen eyes and the black circles under them and i sneak into the garden evoiding everyone on my way. I lay by the pool and pray for the sun to burn out every unexplainable pain i am feeling.
Was it an hour or more after that Elizabeth came through the garden runing with my phone in her hand i can hear it ringing and i know already unless it's God calling me with a solution to end my misery i don't want to answer.
She finally reaches where i am and over her short breath she says:
*it's her, it's her...

I grab the phone and look, i see her name across my screen those emojis that make her smile right next to it "Carmen🤗😘". I am paralized looking at telephone till the call ends and Ezy snaps me out of my coma:

*why didnt you pick up? Call her back hurry.

Handing her the phone i reply:
* take it back inside and don't ever bother me with things like this again.
My kind assistant knowing when not to push too hard she took the phone from my hand and headed back to the house. As she gets slowely away i could hear the phone ringing again and i shout:
*Ezyyy....

Elizabeth runs back to me, she already picked up and forced the phone to my ear.

* Jenny!
* i thought we agreed not to bother eachother again?
*we have to meet.
*not intrested thank you bye...

I waited, i know her, i know her like i have made her. I push her away and she goes with no resistance so i waited to hear those annoying beeps of an ended call but nothing she doesnt hang up she doesnt say a word. So, i continue:

* i said bye, dont call again.
* if you really don't want to talk why did you pick up?
*I didn't, it was Ezy who did.
*then why don't you hang up?
*i was raised better than that.
*Jenny!
*stop
*Jenny please we have to meet, where are you?
* where are you? London with your girlfriend i assume?
* i am in New York...
* then no luck, i am as away from you as i want to be.
*where is that?
* LA, home, you can hang up now i dont want to see you.

What a lie, i am starving to see her face, even if that face doesnt belong to me even if she doesnt think i belong to her anymore....

*i'll be there by evening, i have to see you.
* i told you i dont want to see you, why dont you understand.
*i'll be there , and dont see me if you still dont want to by then.

I say nothing, i pushed her enough she should give up already, why she's changing her reactions?

* bye Carmen.

I hang up before she even gets to say a word, do i want to see her, am i ready to see her, am i angry, am i hurt, am i jealous, do i miss her, do i want her, can i handle a scandle? i dont have any answer for these questions. All i know is seeing Carmen's pictures with an other woman broke my heart and i want her but i am not into women like that. God! Are you there? Help me....

I knew i couldn't be home and just wait for Carmen to show up so i put my bad girl attitude on and got ready for a party. I left home not knowing what might be waiting for me when i get back nor what kind of damage my night might cause to the scandle free few weeks i had.